Young Writers Society

x

Hiya Hannah! ^_^ It's Lin! Or Cat. Or Catlin. Or Lincat. Whatever you want to call me.
I am here to review!

The men would have grunted in anger to know that Rum was traipsing in the catacombs, but she could not care.

See the italized part in the quote above? That sounds a little strange to me for some reason. Not sure why, but it does. I think it would sound better if it said this instead:
The men would have grunted in anger if they had known that Rum was traipsing in the catacombs.

“Will you sing a touch for us, love?” Still the whisper cloaked the identity from Rum, joining the shadows in their ruse.

This seems a little weird to me. Sing a touch? I don't really get that, darling. Just thought I'll point that out.

As she blended from a ballad into a more lively song, she fancied the footsteps that trailed her parroted the rhythm – gravel scattered on each strong beat and returned to smoothness (as the face of a pond would after a rock broke the surface with a plunk!) in the between-times.

To me, having parenthesis in regular prose always annoys me. It's okay in poetry and in prose like journal entries, but I don't like it very in this. Just annoys me, and I'm sure it annoys other readers as well.

The pathway buzzed with carbon copies of the voice and the accompaniment – now two walkers, now ten, now forty, tainted with whispers that flew, barely audible, past the oil lamp until they tangled themselves fatally in Rum’s matted brown hair.

Do you see the part that is italized, darling? Since you already have a dash at the beginning of it, why not go ahead and put a dash at the end of the italized part as well. That way, we won't get it confused with the rest of the sentence like I did.
It will look like this:
The pathway buzzed with carbon copies of the voice and the accompaniment - now two walkers, now ten, now forty - tainted with whispers that flew, barely audible, past the oil lamp until they tangled themselves fatally in Rum's matted brown hair.

M'Kay?

The whispers rose, abated, rose again: waves of intrigue that only men could think up.
“I think she’s gone above ground, men,” said one man, offering his voice as a compass in the blindness.

To me, having men that close together sounds kinda weird. After the reader reads the second men, we are thinking, whoa! There is another one!
Try to think of something else for that spot, dear.



Language and Imagery Hannah, I love the imagery and description. Absolutely amazing. It sounded so poetic and beautiful. There were a couple times that I wasn't sure about what happened, but I think I've pointed all of them out.
But, I loved it! Great job!

Characters I am really interested in the Rum., and this whole thing. The main question I am thinking: Why were the men chasing her?
I think it's because of her voice, but you didn't really point that out. If that is true, try pointing that out more. Don't make it straight, clear, and obvious, but try to make it seen more.

I also want to know why her name is Rum, but that might just be a mystery, dear.

Little bits and clutters I haven't heard of the song that this short story is based on, so I'm not sure how much is depended of the story is depended and explained by the song. But I overall enjoyed it very much, especially the imagery.

Good job, Hannah! *snugs*

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments about anything.

*Lin

Hannah --

You know, I'm not sure I've ever critiqued something of yours, dollface. But regardless, I'd say it was high time that I did so and repay a little bit of the crit debt I've accumulated.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. I enjoyed it for the language and the imagery you incorperated into the flesh of the prose. As Lin said, this was a very poetic piece -- just my kind of medicine. You are obviously extremely talented at descriptive writing. Your grasp of the english language and all of its intracacies is apparent.

I found it a little hard to get into. Your sentences at the beginning are a little long-winded and tortuous. You also hit us right away with the elevated vocabulary level. I caught myself a couple times skipping around some of the fatter, more verbose chunks. Consider looking through this piece and finding sentences that are too wordy, or that have too many extra words which could be removed. The problem could also be my early morning dullness.

As it stands, this piece is somewhat confusing. I'm sure it was your intention, but you kind of avoided talking about the two people Rum was in the catacombs with. I'd like to know a little bit more about these people. A little bit. Keep me in the know, but don't dump too much info on me. Think about mentioning one of these people by their name later on in the story, just so I have a clue as to who's talking. I'm sure you're not going to be continuing this piece, and so you've got to take a step back and let it stand on its own. I'm aware that this is probably about a character during the 1460s, during the seige of Harlech, but I'm not so sure about its significance. Its only purpose seems to be to describe the strange and possibly otherworldly qualities of these catacombs. It seems as if this piece was only written as an exercise in flash description; not something I'm opposed to necessarily (I'm sure it was really fun to write), but it is something I'm obliged to point out.

She failed to discern whether the voice issued from Leah or Gwenyth

This is an example of wordiness. KISS. It's a lot easier to say, "She didn't know who was talking." or "She didn't know whether Leah or Gwenyth was speaking." Something like that.

with as much care as a child would will their paper boat to safety on a swollen spring-stream

Love this. But it needs cleaning. I'd get rid of the word "spring" at least. I'd also possibly just keep it at "like a child would float a paper boat on a stream".

(as the face of a pond would after a rock broke the surface with a plunk!)

I like this a lot, too. But it feels to be a bit much. Avoid using parathensis in prose as a rule, unless for a very good reason. And using it as a slot to place another metaphor is not a good reason. Murder your darlings. I'd cut this.

Anyway, great job!

-Kylan