Young Writers Society

My real name was Jonas, but father called me Joan. I hated the name Jonas; it made me sound like one of those preachers in the bible. Mother said I should be proud to wear such a holy name on my birth certificate; I’d like to get that paper in my fists and crush it to dust.
I’d never been a fan of the bible, and all those little stories that sound like the fairy tales Mother read me when I was young. Up until I was about twelve I would go to church on a Sunday, like everyone else in the village, and hear the vicar drone on about these fables for what seemed like hours on end. But in the end, after countless Sunday school sessions and songs of “What a friend we have in Jesus”, I simply refused to go. At first father forced me, dragging me down the halls and shouting till his voice was horse. Then he bribed me with promises of sweets and long rides of Faigelah. When that didn’t work he got the vicar to condole me for my sins in some attempt to make me repent, In the end he gave up and I got to stay at home on Saturdays. That was my favourite time of the whole week.
Early morning, after my parents left to read hymns and recite from the bible, I would run out to Faigelah’s stable, grab her bridle and ride down to the beach, the exact place where I’d been forbidden to go. She didn’t buck or halt like she did with Father, so I was able to ride the full stretch of the beach without stopping. And as we flew along the shallows, I talked to her the whole time, telling her she was magic and that wings where sprouting from her spine. It always seemed to serge her on, she seemed to run that little bit faster when I said we were flying, like she actually believed it, and I did to.
They saw the sand in her hooves and smelt the salt on her breathe, but they didn’t say anything not until we were all sat down at the table. Then father would slam his beer mug down and shout the same disciplines he always did.
“You beast of a boy” he’d say “You wicked child! We have given you the food on our table and this is how you repay us? Is it?”
I’d shake my head in disbelief, in my own mock innocence “But father, what have I done?”
He would bellow in my ears and throw my dinner to the dogs but I still responded in the same innocent tone. Why shouldn’t I ride Faigelah? She rode so much better with me, she liked me more. Yet his resolve didn’t weaken, he never allowed me to ride Faigelah, If I hadn’t had such a disregard for his rules then I wouldn’t have bounded with her at all.

What do you think? Think it’s work continuing?

This a very good start to a story. I enjoyed reading it and it was very interesting. I didn't find many mistakes because of how short it was. I'm pretty sure that Sunday School is capitalized (Both Sunday and School). Other than that I found no mistakes. This seems like a very good start to what i hope will be a great story =D.
Keep me informed if you write more.

Hiya!

Capitalization: Stuff like "Church" and "Bible" should be capitalized, since they are proper terms for things. Here is an article that contains info on capitalization (It's the seventh point on the list)

Time period: What time period is this story set in? "Birth certificate" is a more modern term and invention, along with schools that contain halls, while this time period seems to be in the 1800s. I'd dive into research books to find ways of making the time period more obvious. ^_^

Characters: I enjoyed your MC, but I find his ideas and ideals could be expanded upon a bit more. His whole resistance to the Bible could be brought about by how negitive it could be in some places, or it could be from how boring his Sunday School is. Tell us so we know. ^_^

Overall: I liked this! The main thing holding this story back in my opinion is the traces of modernity that can be found at the beginning. Wipe those out and this will be a very nice piece. Worth continuing!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

I quite liked this. The writing style is charming, and young in a very refreshing way. Though, depending on the time period you’re shooting for (which, at the moment is a bit vague,) some of the vocabulary seems rather anachronistic.

So, really, there are two things which I think should definitely be improved upon before continuing:

1.) Give us a better sense of time. Where and when are we?

2.) Try to keep the words you use somewhat close to the vernacular of the time period.

As I said though, the style is so charming, and I’d love to read more of this, if indeed you decide to continue it.

~Boatswain

I really enjoy the pace of the introduction, how we are instantly placed in the narrator's world. Even though this is a short piece, your voice is definitely developed and understood early on in the character's description of his relationship with his parents. I do have one critique, though, and that is the snippet of dialogue you provided in this introduction.
“You beast of a boy” he’d say “You wicked child! We have given you the food on our table and this is how you repay us? Is it?” I am not sure if this sounds like something a father would actually say. This admonishment is almost a cliche, especially after the description of the father slamming his beer down. I feel like a more original, or unique setting could better describe the tension between the character and his father.
But most of all this sounds great, and I would love to read more.

I very much enjoyed reading this short piece of work you have beautifully created. There was only one mistake I found that no one has mentioned. I can see that the main character refuses to go to church on Sunday. Then I notice that you states he stays at home on Saturdays after his parents give up. You probably need to change that back to Sunday. It’s a simple mistake that I do all the time. No biggie!
Other than that, I liked it. I hope you continue with this story. I want to see where it leads to with the boy and Faigelah.

Should you keep going? Yes, definitely yes...you've caught my interest. Not only that, but I really like the voice of your character. Just one little thing....

ZaddieCaso wrote:At first father forced me, dragging me down the halls and shouting till his voice was horse.

It should be "hoarse" rather than "horse".

Looking forward to more

I think that any story you enjoy writing is DEFINITELY worth finishing. After reading the other reviews, I think everyone else pretty much touched on the minor grammar and spelling mistakes that I agreed needed fixing. The only thing I would add to what they've said is maybe a description of the horse instead of using its name repeatedly. Does that make any sense? Overall, a very interesting start to what could be an enjoyable story.

Its a good story, but I feel that the bond between human and horse isn't developed enough. The flying bit is excellent, but I think that more could be added. Another thing, there is nothing about what the mother thinks in all of this. A line or two would sort that out.