Young Writers Society

London, 1853


"I'm so bored" Edmund groaned as the city fair continued around him. He had no idea why he let his brother talk him into this. The fair was for children, not a 26 year old man. Matthew just smirked in response at his brother. His niece and nephew chatted excitedly to each other, shoving spoonfuls of chocolate pudding into each other's mouths. Matt smiled as he turned his attention back to his children.

"Its not that bad Ed, I find it rather enjoyable."

"Thats because you've been brainwashed by fatherhood. Look at you, chasing after two little six year olds like the mother hen you've become," he teased, ducking tactfully out of the wing as Matt attempted a punch to his middle.

"Well, look at you! Poor little brother, twenty-six years old and no wife. Tsk Tsk. I wonder what mother has to say to you."

"You don't live with the woman anymore, you should not even be speaking."

" Ah, says the king of bachelors himself. I have to warn you, one day you'll find someone who will catch your eye and steal your heart, and you won't know a thing to do about it."

"Never," was all Edmund replied.

"Ah, it'll come. Just you wait."

"What about you? From what I remember, you were quite the ladies man yourself."

Matt just smiled, his gaze returning to his children to make sure they were still near. Their chatter continued as they went to a nearby stall, looking at the fascinating and noticeably large toys.

"That was before I met Vannessa."

Edmund rolled his eyes at hisloves-truckbrother. He sighed, shaking his head. God forbid that ever happen to me.

They continued on through the excited fair. Edmund watched amused as Matt chased his children all over the long row of stalls. A chuckle escaped him while Matt struggled to get them listening and behaving. Nicholas, Edmund's nephew, had decided to envelope himself in the hem of his father's brand new coat.

Matt shot Edmund a pleading glance asNichola, his niece, chased her brother between and around his legs frantically, trying to smack her twin brother in the head with her used spoon.

Edmund turned in an about face, striding quickly away from his tormented brother. Hurrying away before Matt could drag him into maternal affairs. Before long, Edmund had gotten himself very lost. The thought accured to him to ask for directions, he shook his head, dismissing the thought.

He heard faint violin notes in the distance. A crowd gathered in the distance. Curiosity claimed him and his body lead his towards the crowd. Something told him to stay away. To go back to his brother but... he didn't listen. His curiosity gaining control over his actions.

He turned and strode towards the thickening crowd. The music was getting louder now. Drums and a guitar accompanied the beautiful delightful music.

Edmund strained his head to see above the blend of blonde and red in front of him. Seeing no way to go beyond the place where he was now, he quickly scanned the edges of the crowd seeing that less people were on the left side. He side stepped a group of ladies and made a polite bow; as was required; as he continued to walk past. He reached the edge of the crowd, surprised at the view he had.

Sweet music sifted into him. The drums came to a soft halt, as the violin drifted into a serene end. Applause soon followed when the music fully stopped. It was well deserved, they had played beautifully. It was a gypsy gathering. Men were moving about, switching positions and instruments. Once they had settled, a group of women came, maneuvering through the crowd as best they could.

A group of gypsy dancers, Ed realized. They gathered in the middle of the half circle that the crowd had made. And that was when he saw her.

Hey there!
I believe your story has caught my interest so I am going to take a gander at it.
Let us begin!

I. Nit-Picking

"I'm so bored"

There should be a period after bored after all it is a sentence too!

Edmund groaned as the city fair continued around him.

There is only one thing that bugs me about this sentence. xD
How can the city fair continue around him in a literal sense? It should actually be him continuing through the fair surrounding him. I would rephrase that sentence so that it would make more sense and not make the reader pause for a minute there.

why he let his brother

This doesn't really matter but I believe it would sound better if you added a 'had' inbetween 'he' and 'let'.

The fair was for children, not a 26 year old man.

This made me smirk. I like this.

Matt smiled

You have to be careful, because you already made him smile previously in the paragraph even though you used a different word for it. I believe that is unnecessary information.

he teased

**Edmund teased. It helps specify it better.

ducking tactfully out of the wing as Matt attempted a punch to his middle.

This slight;y makes me perplexed. Moreover the 'out of the wing' part. That is really not needed. I believe you could rephrase it simply stating that Ed dodged Matts punch.

Tsk.

*no capital needed here!

"You don't live with the woman anymore, you should not even be speaking."

I don't understand what you are trying to say here. It gives out information that Matt doesn't live at home but Edmund does and I believe with his mother?

The aspect that doesn't make much sense to me is that how does not living with the mother anymore and that he should not be speaking relate to what the mothe has to say about Ed not married? You may wish to think out this part of the dialogue better.

" Ah,

*a space is not needed after the first quotation.

hisloves-truckbrother.

**his love-struck brother

God forbid that ever happen to me.

Okay, the problem with this is that it seems incredibly personal and would be found usually in a first person piece. I believe this was one of Edmunds thoughts but you should clarify that and also put it in italics so that people will be able to identify the thought.

to get them listening and behaving.

It would sound better; 'to get them to listen and to start behaving.'

asNichola,

*space is needed in between 'as' and 'Nichola'.

Edmund turned in an about face,

I believe you may be missing a word in this sentence because otherwise it does not make any sense.

striding quickly away from his tormented brother. Hurrying away before Matt could drag him into maternal affairs.

These should be one sentence.
Just get rid of the period and replace it with a comma. Then change the capital on 'Hurrying' to lower case.

accured

**occured

lead

**led

lead his towards

**him

Something told him to stay away. To go back to his brother but... he didn't listen.

This also should be one sentence, comma is can be used to replace the period.

Curiosity claimed him and his body lead his towards the crowd. Something told him to stay away. To go back to his brother but... he didn't listen. His curiosity gaining control over his actions.

The word 'curiosity' is becoming fairly redundant. I would think that you could find another word to replace it the second time. Also another comment about the word is that in the beginning you said curiosity had claimed him and then you said it was gaining control. Watch out for doing that.

Also, this could also be one whole happy sentence. Replace both periods with commas now.

He turned and strode towards the thickening crowd.

You have already got this across. Repeating is a no-no in writing unless it is needed, and this certainly is not needed because we do not need a reminder.

polite bow; as was required; as he

I believe this semi-colons should actually be both commas. ._.
No guarentees though.

A group of gypsy dancers, Ed realized.

I would rephrase it to; 'The women were a group of gypsy dancers, Ed soon realized.'

And that was when he saw her.

Great ending. That makes me certainly want to read more.

II. Grammar and Punctuation

You did have some errors with your grammar but all the errors were spelt right but the words did not fit in the sentence. Most of them were just a letter that had to be changed. When you use spell check, it does not pick up on the rules for words often so you have to be careful with that. I would recommend reading over your work.

You had a lot of sentences that could have been melted into one using a comma. The good things about that is that it makes the piece more fluent and enjoyable to read and it also makes it seem the paragraphs were better thought out. I personally am a big fan of commas, I over use them.

You also have to be careful with semi-colons. There is a set rule for them, I don't know it fully, other than that the case that you used them could have also been replaced by commas.

You also had some mishaps with spaces. That might be a keyboard issue or the place where you write it, but again, I recommend reading it out and figuring out the appropriate spacing.

III. Character Development

You characters seemed very interesting. I found them quite ordinary, and not over bearing which can be a good thing and a bad thing.

I would have liked you to add more detail and descriptions on their actions. The reason why I say that is because when readers read, they subconciously make connections with the subject that they are actually reading about and that usually is humans. But how do they make connections with humans? They pay attention to the characteristics which can be seen through the actions and dialogues, if first person, thoughts. That can work to your advantage because a lot of times readers will enjoy it more if you have the right kind of characters.

I would also like you to add more description to them. I did not know what they looked like and I would have loved to be filled in on the details. That is actually an easy thing to do, with the exception of making sure you don't info dump. That certainly can become hazardous. Might I recommend you adding subtle hints? Like instead of saying 'him' say 'the tall brown haired man' or something like that. You can also fit it into their actions; 'He strode forward, his pin-striped pants seemingly extending his legs further'. Something that will help the reader get a better picture.

IV. Writing Format

You have a very simplistic writing which can work to your advantage because everyone can read it and understand it. That is a great aspect to have. The writing is not overbearing with the description, but I do think you should add more.

My challenge to you is to get into the details of the surroundings and characters. Paint the pictures into the readers mind. Get the point across on how you imagined it. Description is a very important thing at times, for certainly it can change any type of writing and how you imagine it. Just imagine when writing it, how does it look and describe it using adverbs, adjectives, by any means necessary to get the picture perfect. But it is again tricky because you don't want to be over bearing and for it to be dull for the reader to read.

Another thing that I believe you could work on is that your writing is almost 'stop and go'. It is fairly blunt and I believe that if you combine some of those sentences, add some more description, I believe your writing can become positively spectacular.

V. Overall

This is a very interesting concept. So Edmund falls in love with a gypsy. The only thing I have to ask is what class are Edmunds family? Because higher ups would not stand being in the presence of gypsies. A lot of the time, even the people in towns could not stand their kings, running them out and calling them theives. They would usually be found in horse fairs. A city fair is king of risky for them, usually visiting small villages and doing their performances. You have to be wary about that.

This could become something interesting and it certainly is a great bginning. Awesome potential. I hope to see more of your work around the site.

~Incognito

London, 1853

"I'm so bored" Edmund groaned as the city fair continued around him. [This isn't the most interesting of opening lines, maybe look for something that's more a description of the fair or something that has a little action. Also, 'continued' isn't the best selection of word because it suggests that this fair has already been introduced. It's like beginning by saying that someone continued to talk but without telling us what was said earlier. Possibly '...the fair bustled...' or something along those lines.] He had no idea why he let his brother talk him into this. The fair was for children, not a 26 year old man. [Is his exact age really essential? I think it would flow more smoothly if you were to say 'not a fully grown adult' or perhaps to tell us his profession. With older characters, knowing their exact age isn't always important.] Matthew just smirked in response [s]at [/s]tohis brother. His niece and nephew chatted excitedly to each other, shoving spoonfuls of chocolate pudding into each other's mouths. [Why are they feeding each other? That strikes me as a little odd, especially with something like chocolate pudding. Sweets I can understand, I've maybe done that at some point though I'm not sure but uh... chocolate pudding? No chance.] Matt smiled as he turned his attention back to his children.

"Its not that bad Ed, I find it rather enjoyable."

"Thats because you've been brainwashed by fatherhood. Look at you, chasing after two little six year olds like the mother hen you've become," he teased, ducking tactfully out of the wing as Matt attempted a punch to his middle. [Out of the wing? See, you haven't described what's around them enough for this to make sense. It would help if you had some area description at the beginning.]

"Well, look at you! Poor little brother, twenty-six years old and no wife. Tsk Tsk. I wonder what mother has to say to you." [This seems very childish to me, particularly for a father's dialect.]

"You don't live with the woman anymore, you should not even be speaking." [And this is very forced. Not living with someone is no reason to not be on speaking terms with them, particularly a mother. If you want the mother to be estranged, then you're going to have to give us some of the reason here or at least a firmer piece of dialogue that shows your character's annoyance at her having been brought up.]

" Ah, says the king of bachelors himself. I have to warn you, one day you'll find someone who will catch your eye and steal your heart, and you won't know a thing to do about it." [I think it should be '...won't know a thing what to do...']

"Never," was all Edmund replied.

"Ah, it'll come. Just you wait."

"What about you? From what I remember, you were quite the ladies man yourself."

Matt just smiled, his gaze returning to his children to make sure they were still near. Their chatter continued as they went to a nearby stall, looking at the fascinating and noticeably large toys. [He's smiling again? That's okay but at least describe how, is this different to the other smiles? A shade sad perhaps?]

"That was before I met Vannessa." [Hmmm. I was thinking his wife might have died the way you set that up. In this case, it doesn't make sense for Ed to say 'what about you' etc because Matt is saying he'll find one person, not that he'll start falling for ladies. Do you see what I mean? If not, feel free to say and I'll try to explain it better.]

Edmund rolled his eyes at hisloves-truckbrother. [Should be 'his love-struck brother'] He sighed, shaking his head. God forbid that would ever happen to [s]me[/s] him.

They continued on through the excited fair. [Continued through the fair again? With still no description? I'm sure you can do better than that!] Edmund watched amused as Matt chased his children all over the long row of stalls. A chuckle escaped him while Matt struggled to get them[s] listening and behaving[/s] to listen and behave. Nicholas, Edmund's nephew, had decided to envelope himself in the hem of his father's brand new coat.

Matt shot Edmund a pleading glance asNichola, his niece, chased her brother between and around his legs frantically, trying to smack her twin brother in the head with her used spoon.

Edmund turned[s] in an about face,[/s] striding quickly away from his tormented brother. Hurrying away before Matt could drag him into maternal [Try paternal perhaps?] affairs. Before long, Edmund had gotten himself very lost. The thought accured to him to ask for directions, he shook his head, dismissing the thought.

He heard faint violin notes in the distance. A crowd gathered in the distance. [Too much repetition of distance! Just link the sentences together, like: '...notes in the distance where a crowd had gathered.'] Curiosity claimed him and his body [s]lead[/s] led[s] his[/s] him towards the crowd. Something told him to stay away. To go back to his brother but... he didn't listen. His curiosity [s]gaining[/s] gained control over his actions.

He turned and strode towards the thickening crowd. The music was getting louder now. Drums and a guitar accompanied the beautiful delightful music. [Tune or rhythm would work as well as music and avoid the repetition which would improve your flow and narrative tone.]

Edmund strained his head to see above the blend of blonde and red in front of him. Seeing no way to go beyond the place where he was now, he quickly scanned the edges of the crowd [Here you could make use of a semi colon. Place it here and remove 'seeing that'] seeing that less people were on the left side. He side stepped a group of ladies and made a polite bow; as was required; [Commas here instead of semi colons.] as he continued to walk past. He reached the edge of the crowd, surprised at the view he had.

Sweet music sifted into him. The drums came to a soft halt, as the violin drifted into a serene end. Applause soon followed when the music fully stopped. It was well deserved, they had played beautifully. It was a gypsy gathering. Men were moving about, switching positions and instruments. Once they had settled, a group of women came, maneuvering through the crowd as best they could.

A group of gypsy dancers, Ed realized. They gathered in the middle of the half circle that the crowd had made. And that was when he saw her.

Dialogue

Much of your dialogue isn't realistic or sounds forced, perhaps because you're dealing with characters much older than yourself. Listening to the people around you talk will help with that or even watching TV. It's not the best source because characters tend to be more dramatic on TV but it will give you a basic guide to an older person's speech patterns. Just a little tip.

Description

You have very little! I coildn't imagine the fair because there wasn't really mention of it. If you describe the fair, you'll draw your readers in and create an atmosphere to the point that they'll even start to add in details of their own. How can we hear the music and relate to the characters' whereabouts if you don't set the scene for us? Here's an article you might find useful:

viewarticlebody.php?t=33840


In general, I liked it but I found your plot a little obvious. As soon as there was prolonged conversation of his lack of wife and that being pretty much all they talked of, it became obvious that he'd then meet a girl and fall in love etc. If you don't mind being predictable then that's okay, you've got some good characters and an easy to follow story but I'd suggest that you have the two brothers talk for longer, touching other topics. That will also give you the opportunity to expand your characterization and tell us a little more about who they are and show us their relationship.

I hope this helps!

Heather xx

Hiya!

Characters: I found it hard to keep track of the characters in here. Because we don't have a lot of character thoughts and ideas, knowing who's the "domesitcated" brother and who's the MC can be confusing. Add in more thoughts to clear that up. ^_^

Plot: I agree with Kitty15. The plot was a bit obvious. As I read the dialogue at the beginning, I thought Edmund had been set up on a blind date. However, the plot being obvious might not be so bad if you add in enough twists later. A lot of people are willing to read a historical romance.

Repetition: In a lot of your descriptions you repeat things, such as "the children" and other proper terms. I do believe Kitty has pointed those out. Watch for those in the future and edit them out now. ^_^

Description: I find it could have been a lot richer when you were describing the music. Since it's drawing him in, captivating him, I feel like a few more adjectives and adverbs could be used so that we, as readers, feel captivated along with him.

Overall: This was a pretty nice start to a historical romance story. The bones are there, I just feel it could be richer description-wise and the characters' roles could be more well defined.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey