Young Writers Society

The 3rd of November
476 BCE

Dear Diary,
It is a great privilege to have an entire book to myself to record my feelings, for no one understands me. My name is Victoria, daughter of Cornelia and Bartholomew. I am 12 years old and I have two sisters and one brother. My sisters are Athena, who is 8 years old and Sidonia, who is 10 years old. My brother is named Soren and is 16. He is already married to Marcella who is 14. We all live in the grand Eastern Roman Empire.
My family comes from a line of very wealthy bakers and we own a shop right next to the coliseum. When we are tired from baking and have no customers, my sisters and I sometimes climb up the sides of the coliseum and watch the Gladiators fight the lions. It is truly entertaining. My friends and I rarely ever get to actually sit down and watch the fights up close. My friends are Apollo, who is 13 and will be 14 in less than a year and Fauna who is also 12.
Oh, I must return to the bakery, mother is calling me.


The 24th of November
476 BCE

Dear Diary,
Another day has passed and yet nothing has happened. My sisters and I feel that
life should be much more than just sitting around waiting for opportunities to come to
us. Sidonia, Athena and I have always wanted to go to some foreign place and make a fortune or greatly influence people, like Theodora, our current Empress. She is so beautiful and powerful; I see why Justinian wanted her to rule the empire with him. Just recently some riots broke out and Justinian wanted to leave but Theodora told him that she was going to stay here. I think that is so inspirational for her to stay at such a
dangerous time while her husband fled. I believe that she helped him keep the crown.
My mother thinks much differently. She thinks that we should stay here and become professional bakers and wives. But I don't plan to ever get married. It's so unfair that men can do so much more than us. I always envy Father and Soren when they go out on their morning hunt and I'm stuck here with Mother, Sidonia, Athena and Marcella. If only I was a boy, life might be more exciting than what it is now.



The 1st of December
476 BCE

Dear Diary,
I cannot believe what has happened. Yesterday was Apollo's 14th birthday and at his celebratory feast, my father made an announcement. He told everyone that Apollo and I have been engaged to be married. The heads of the two families did not consult us at all. My parents and Apollo's parents might have been happy with their arranged marriages. If I was to ever get married, I would want to find my true love. It's not that I don't care about Apollo, but we have been friends since we were babies and it's just so awkward to think that we're going to be married and start a family. It gets worse, you see, Fauna has always fancied Apollo and I personally think that they would be much more compatible than if I were to marry him. And now, Fauna won't speak to me. I have tried to talk to her when I see her in the town square, but she makes it seem as though we have never met. My parents say that Apollo and I should start holding hands when we go out in public. Fauna is probably never going to speak to me again. Oh, what am I going to do?


The 7th of December
476 BCE

Dear Diary,
Oh, my life is getting more complicated by the minute. Today, a group of families who just moved here stopped by our bakery and asked if they could stay with us for a few weeks. My family was completely willing to share our home with one of the families. Then, this boy came running towards the bakery, tossing a small red ball with a younger boy. When they came in the door, I realized how amazingly gorgeous the older boy was. His name is Leo; it's strong and powerful, like a lion. The best part is, he's 15 and hasn't been married. What am I thinking? I am already engaged to Apollo. If he finds out that I fancy Leo and not him, he will most surely never speak to me again and the marriage will be ruined. It's just, I have known Apollo my whole life and we are the best of friends and he is very good looking. But Leo is so strong and handsome and mature. Plus, he is so very kind and considerate. Why do the Gods tempt me with such decisions?


The 15th of December
476 BCE

Dear Diary
I have been found out. As you may already know, boys always try to read girls diaries, and it turns out Apollo has read mine. When he saw me afterwards, he was so furious. He told me that if I was that ignorant of his feelings, he would call off the whole wedding. We are almost done planning and it is going to occur in less than two weeks. He is so furious and Fauna is still not talking to me. No one talks to me. They all think that I have brought shame onto my family because I cheated on my betrothed. I don't have the slightest idea what to do. The wedding is growing ever closer and now that I think about it, there is no one in the entire world I would rather marry than Apollo. And now, I've lost him.


The 17th of December
476 BCE

Dear Diary,
As of right now, I despise the very core of Leo. Just by flirting with me, he has endangered my relationship with Apollo. He has crossed the line, by far. He came up to me in the bakery yesterday and we started to talk. It wasn’t anything important; it was just a little chat to pass the time. Out of nowhere, he kissed me. Since I have never kissed a boy before, I was astonished so I let out a gasp but it sounded more like a shriek. He backed away like I was insane, and then I realized that Apollo had seen the entire thing. Apollo was so mad when I went to talk to him. He started yelling at me again and I just couldn't bare it. So I started to cry, tears poured down my cheeks like a waterfall. I ran all the way home and cried myself to sleep without any supper. I wish I was dead.



The 21st of December
476 BCE

Dear Diary,
Thank the Gods for such a marvelous day for everything is right again. I am so happy; my face is tired from smiling. For weeks I have been wishing that Apollo would forgive me, and now he has. It was quiet remarkable. Just a few days ago, Apollo came to our home and asked if we could talk. We now understand each other better than ever. Now that Leo and his family have left our home, I shall have no more temptations (although I think my younger sister, Sidonia, fancied Leo's younger brother).
I went to visit Fauna today and we are friends again. It is amazing how sometimes things are so out of order, that it seems impossible for them ever to be fixed. But my life is fitting together again, almost like a puzzle.
Just a few hours ago, at the pre-celebratory feast for the wedding tomorrow, Apollo asked me to go on a walk with him. When we got to the little bench in my garden, we sat down and he gave me a beautiful gold necklace with my birthstone (which is a diamond) set in the middle.
With all the joy that comes with a wedding, there is also sadness. Unfortunately, I have to give up all my childish toys and processions to my sisters, which include this diary. So as I finish this final entry in my one and only journal, I hope that all who will read this follow the message that my story gives; seek out the one who you are meant to be with, love them for who they are and they will love you too.
Yours Truly,
Victoria
Daughter of Cornelia and Bartholomew
Future wife of Apollo
And Lover of Literature

This started out as a school project for my history class when we were learning about the Greeks and Romans. I was really bored one day, this was when I had just started writing, and I lengthened it and submitted it in a writing competition where it won first place at county and state.

This was very interesting. I did not find any mistakes so good job there but, it lacked emotion and depth. You need to let us feel as if we l=know your character. Describe her in detail. What she likes to do, you only told us that she is a lover of literature. Describing things will keep your reader entertained. Good job though!

Hiya!

Historical Details: I think the historical details in here could be presented by the character in a better way. Arranged marriages were generally not discussed with the children involved, and I'm a bit surprised that your MC was surprised at that fact.

Try getting into the head of your MC a bit more and think how she'd think. This girl has probably been conditioned her whole life to follow certain customs, and it would take a big event to shake that programming, or a general distaste with her life. Since I don't see much of a mention to that, I remain a bit surprised with her reactions to everything.

When you refer to the Roman Empire as the Eastern Roman Empire, I'm not sure how accurate that is. First off, Rome was actually in the Central or Western part of the empire. Second, I'm not sure if it would have been divided up into Eastern, Central and Western. I do think it would have been divided into provinces. ^_^

As for the names, I do believe those are all Greek names. Now, I'm pretty sure there'd be some Greek names even at this late date in Rome, but I don't know if they'd be Greek gods. Put in some Roman/Latin names to make this more accurate.

Writing style: The diary style here, although it is good to show events through a single person, can be flat in some places. Like when she's talking about her friends and siblings, there could be some thoughts added in on the people. Whenever you introduce a new character, there should be some thoughts on them. This is her diary after all. ^_^

The short diary entries also left me wanting to know what happened. You never mentioned Leo flirting with Victoria, just the aftermath. There wasn't anything about her being a "lover of literature" that I could see. Why would she call herself that? From what I know, most Romans were illiterate. Although you could glaze over that fact since your girl MC is writing a diary.

Hope this helps! And if you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Their were no mishaps that I could detect. Al in all, I loved every letter of this. No bluff. I found myself drawn to the screen with every entry. Though it was short,that is what added to the suspense. I loved the romance and the sudden happenings. Very Very good job. And I think this would be a good published book. I would read it.