Young Writers Society

Prologue
She was an orphan. She worked as the servant of the Lord of Lancaster. He owned a small castle that over shadowed the small town of huts. She had been raised by the town priest, as her parents had supposedly died in a fire soon after she was born. When she was 14 she had applied for a job, working for the Lord, because although she loved the priest as she would a friendly grandfather she did not like always living in the church. She would much rather be in the stables, working with her friend, Caleb, and the other stable hands. Whenever the Lord was away on a journey throughout the country she would dig out her tunic and leggings, and go and live in the stables, mucking out stalls, brushing and excersisng the horses. It is on one of these such occasions that this story begins.

Chapter 1
Lydia
Lydia dragged the pitchfork through the muck, whistling while she worked. Her thoughts turned to when the priest had caught her whistling while she embroidered and how comical his red face had looked as he lectured her.
“Hello, Lyds!” A voice interrupted her revery.
“Hello, Caleb. How is King Fantasia this morning?” She replied to the boy leaning over the stall door.
‘Well, I would say he is quite wet.”Caleb said pointing towards the stable door where a plump donkey stood drenched in the rain, nervous to come past the magnificent chargers.
“Come on, King Fants, you will catch a dreadful cold out there in that downpour!” Lydia said, mimicking the servant’s boss from the castle, perfectly. Caleb laughed his hearty, jingle bell laugh, tossing back his thick honey brown hair. Lydia felt a dreamy surge rush through her body. Her muscles tensed and she felt the strange sensation of wanting to just touch him. She was awed by this feeling because she had always thought of him as her scrawny, mischevous friend, but now he was the talk of the maids. All the young women dreamt of him and silently fought over him. Her long locks of dark brown hair, and her lightly freckled cheeks seemed drab compared to his godly looks.
“That was very good Lyds, but we have work to do!” he said winking at her with a glint of mischief in his eye. Lydia sighed,
“If you insist. I was enjoying mucking out this stall so much though.” Lydia replied sarcasticly, trying to hide her overwhelming emotions. “I am sure that it is much more fun than whatever you are about to have us do.” Caleb laughed again.
“Well we are wasting time so let’s go. I see that the rain has let up so we don’t have to worry about getting wet.”

Chapter 2
Caleb
They raced through the streets of Lancester, finally arriving at the edge of the woods. Caleb watch as Lydia skidded to a halt her brown ringlets swooshing about her smooth face. ‘Why am I thinking about her this way?’ he asked himself, but he already knew the answer. ‘Because she is beautiful and I love her’. Caleb inwardly growled at himself because why should he think this way of Lydia only thought of him as a friend and that is all they would ever be. Even now as they were nearing the age of courtship he was sure that Lydia wasn’t thinking about it and he decided not to tell her that he was, incase it should alter their friendship. He drew himself away from that frame of mind and beckoned for her to follow him towards their secret hide away, deeper in the forest.
****
After a short hike they reached a massive boulder. This was their favorite spot to meet. Lydia followed Caleb around to a spot where they had dug a small hole where they stored messages to each other. Cedric crouched down by a patch of dirt and leaned against the rock.
“I love this spot more than any other in the whole world. Although, I haven’t seen the rest of the world.”Caleb said as he gazed into the leafy canopy above them.
“I agree with both of those statements.”Lydia added as they watched a squirrel jump from tree to tree. THey sat in silence for a little bit and then Lydia asked,
“Okay, why are we here?”
“Oh, right. Because I have a fantastic plan. We are going to tease the priest.”He said with the glint of mischief returning. “What do you think?”
“Caleb! You know me! Any kind of teasing is my favorite activity, besides riding of course.” Caleb laughed.
“That is one of the things I love about you. You are always up for some fun.” THen he added to himself, ‘Among, many other things that I love about you.’

They continued to draw out a plan in the dirt by the boulder. When the light began to fade, they moved back towards town racing through the trees, their conjoined laughter lifting into the air above.


Coming soon....... Chapter 3
Lydia’s Dream.

Hiya!

Before I start, I have a quick question for you: Is this Historical Fiction or Fantasy Fiction? Historical Fiction is as accurate as possible, while fantasy fiction is made-up history. Fantasy can also be mostly set in a medieval world, with a few rules bent.

Explanation please: One of the reasons I'm thinking this is fantasy is how Lydia is able to work at the stables without disguising her gender and without anybody throwing a fit. Women weren't really allowed to be close to the stables during this time period.

Tags: In some locations, such as here:

“Caleb! You know me! Any kind of teasing is my favorite activity, besides riding of course.” Caleb laughed.

It can be hard to know who's speaking. That tag could be read as Caleb speaking, even though it's Lydia. Put tags on the same line as dialogue to avoid that, like so:

“Caleb! You know me! Any kind of teasing is my favorite activity, besides riding of course.”

Caleb laughed. “That is one of the things I love about you. You are always up for some fun.”

Dialogue: I found it rather stiff. Without contractions (stuff like "it's" for "it is"), things get a bit long to read, and the wording itself is a bit off. Read your dialogue out-loud to see if it sounds natural. ^_^

Overall: I think this is a good start to a fantasy story. With stuff like "Kind Fantasia" (which is technically cliche but I'm ignoring that at the moment) and the whole basis of the plot as a girl working in a stable, this would do better in the Fantasy section of YWS. If you want it moved, contact a mod or Jmod (the list of junior moderators who control fiction can be found here)

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Thanks for the imput. I wasn't sure how to define the genre and you're right it is more fantasy. THis is my rough draft and since i first wrote it i have edited but not posted the edited version . I definatley have a lot of wrok to do as I wrier and I appreciate the ideas.
*twirling is the freest dance*

Hello there!
I read through it, and other than a few grammar mistakes [like, you should of put a comma there, or should of put a question mark here, or shouldn't of put a period or enter space there], it was great. I really enjoyed the chapters alot, but to me it seemed kind of short. I like your style of writing, but it wasn't that lengthy. Try describing a little more to make it more captivating. What did the stable exactly look like; was paint peeling away at the walls or is it freshly coated? How about the forest there were in; how high were the trees, and what did Lydia think of their height? Does Caleb or Lydia climb trees? They're all very irrevelent questions, but answering them makes you a stronger writer. When you're writing, try to answer every irrelevent question that comes to your mind, because people will really be awed that you added that.
I'm not saying it was too short or too empty; I actually would like to read more, and I'll be watching for it. But when you answer the irrelevent questions you accidently use more description, thus making the reader's understanding better. By saying how much Caleb loved to climb the tall trees in the woods and how Lydia jumped at the oppurnity a little slower, you can grasp more of their personalities early on, which help for a stronger attachment to the characters sooner, which helps people become unable to put down the book until it's on the last page; and then motivated to re-read it!

I really did enjoy this peice; by far one of the best I've read today. Keep on writing! <3

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

Hi!

First, I have a question: Are you meaning this to be set in actual mideval history? If so, then this is Hist. fiction. If not, then maybe you should move it to fantasy?

However, I'm not sure I agree that the fact that she is working in the stable to be something impossible for the time period. (She is a peasant, I'm assuming, so the rules would be less strict)

As far as historical accuracy though, you have to be careful, especially in the dialogue.
(eg. The word "hello" was not actually invented until hundreds of years later) Depending on how long ago this was, they would probably be speaking in Old English. (Prithee, thou, thee etc.) It would be kinda cool if you had some other details as well, maybe do some research on what would have been happening in the country at that time.

In the actual story, another thing I noticed was that I think you should consider deleting the prologue all together, as it isn't necessary and all too easy to skim over. Just incorporate those details into the rest of the text--it shouldn't be necessary to explain the whole story before you've started.

I agree with Golden that this piece could definitely be strengthened by description. One of the best things about hist. fiction in particular is putting readers in a place they have never been, and will never go. I would love to see more details regarding scenery, and the characters impressions, etc. (In fact, I think in future edits you should definitely go through and flesh things out a little)

This is jsut a though, but it felt to me in places like this was written in a hurry, especially Caleb's chapter. (I did notice a few typos, mainy extra capital letters and punctuation, etc) It may help to read the whole thing aloud--I do that a lot when proof-reading.

And, finally, the characters themselves. Here are some of my thoughts:

1: Are Lydia and Caleb common names for your selected time period?
2: I think the story would be strengthened if you didn't tell us their emotions for eachother outright: instead try to convey this using their actions. (looking at eachother, the way they talk to eachother, etc.) This goes for the rest of the story as well. (You'll hear this a lot, I know, but show, don't tell=first rule of storytelling.)
Instead of telling us something outright, show it to us through actions, dialogue, or indirect thoughts.
3: When they talk to each-other, I found the dialogue a bit awkward. Maybe try imagining yourself as the characters themselves? May help.
4: What are the characters motivations? This is a little early in the plot, but still something to think about.


Now that I'm done with that, I want to say I really enjoyed reading this. (I love Hist. fiction set in medeival times, and I really like historical romances as well) I think with a little editing/revising this could be a very good story, and I'd like to read the rest of it if/when you post it.


Feel free to PM me with questions, or if you want a review. Hope this helps!

See you around,

~Lupis