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Taking it back



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Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:46 pm
aouther2b says...



It was scary as hell the day that America got bombed. I can't remember the date but the day is a vivid image in my head.
I was home alone. My mother and sister had gone to the mall for the day. My father had to go to work. I was sitting on my bed; thinking. It was summer time and I was going on a date with my new boyfriend the next day. I heard the plane rumbling over head. I lived near an airport so low plains were normal. Sadly this one wasn't.
The plane turned. Not something that had ever happened. It flew over the mall then I heard the boom of a bomb. I screamed. My mother and sister were there. My dad only worked a few blocks away. I ran down the stairs and turned on the TV. There it was; the disaster that changed my life forever.
I cried, I prayed, and I hoped a miracle. God answered my prayers. My mother and sister came home. My father on the other hand didn't have his phone and since all the phones were disconnected there was no possible way of reaching my daddy. This caused me to burst into another round of tears.
My mother is tall, slender, and beautiful. Just like my sister. I on the other hand am gracious enough to receive the look of my father. I am a normal height and healthy. I on the other hand acted more like my mother. I was never able to hold myself together if a disaster were to strike.
After my major meltdown about my father I began to ask questions. My sister is three years older than me. At sixteen the questions I was asking were nonsense to her. She went to her bedroom as if nothing had happened. I sat with my mom at our wooden kitchen table. I talked while she listened, and I listened while she talked. She told me that she had just gotten on the freeway when the bomb hit. She told me that she cried so bad that my sister, who has the ability to stay calm in scary situations, drove for her. I told her that I had heard and seen the plane fly over head and drop the bomb. As my mother and I sat waiting the phone rang. I jumped u to get it hopping that it was my dad.
It wasn't. It was however my boyfriend Shawn. He had called to make sure that I was okay. How sweet. I told him that I was fine. After talking to him for a while I called my dad’s office. I got his machine. Great, just great. I went to my room and laid on my bed. I slowly drifted into a soft sleep.
I woke up the next day thinking it was a normal day. Nothing had happened yesterday. Then I remembered; the bomb, my father. I ran to my parents’ room. I saw my dad snoring, and breathed. He was fine, my mom was fine. My sister was fine, and I was fine. We were all fine.
I called Shawn to make sure we were still going on our date. He said we were and that he would pick me up at six. I glanced toward the clock. 9:30. I decided to get ready at four thirty.
I poured myself cereal. I turned on the TV. All that was on was the news. They were all talking about yesterdays events. I ate in peace then went to my room.
My room is like any teenagers room. One word; messy. I had clothes all over the floor. My bed was unmade and my desk was over piled with clutter. Something that day made me want to clean up the mess my room had become, so I did. After cleaning my room I glanced at the clock. 4:00, crap, I had spent so much time cleaning my room that I was running out of time. I turned on some music. My parents and sister were still asleep. I turned on the water for my shower and moved the music to the bathroom. I took a shower. By the time I got out of the steamy bathroom it was five o’clock. I went into my sister’s room.
My sister is nothing like me in so many ways, especially her room. My room is a dark blue with lime green. My older sister’s room is a delicate pink and has a rose on her wall. She was awake when I walked into her room.
“Kaytlin, can you help me?” I asked as I walked into her room. “With what?” she replied. “My date with Shawn is tonight and I was hoping you would help me pick out an outfit. We’re going to the movies.” My sister was head cheerleader and student body president at her high school. She had dated the entire football team and was dating the school golden boy at the time. “Sure.” I followed my sister into my room. She went through my closet. She finally found the perfect outfit. A black pair of jeans, paired with a yellow camisole under an extremely loose gray shirt. She then accessorized with a yellow necklace and a chunky purple bracelet. I dressed quickly. Shawn showed up right on time. My sister answered the door while I finished applying blush. I walked downstairs. It was my fantasy moment. He looked up and smiled. We left for the movies. Thankfully the theater was only a few block away. Everything had been going perfectly until we arrived.
There was a crowd. At first it was because of a celebrity. I was wrong. The huge crowd was because there was a man, Iranian, with a gun. Behind him were even more men. For a foreigner he spoke English quite well. He was saying something about a bomb when Shawn pulled me away. He held my hand as we ran to our school. As we caught our breath I began to cry. I was scared this was my normal reaction. Shawn didn’t know that. He pulled me in and hugged me. He told me it was okay. We stood there, just hugging each other.
He walked me home. He kissed me on my front porch. I walked in. My sister was smiling. She had obviously been smiling. I went to find my dad. He was in the garage. I told him about the terrorist. He told me not to worry about it. He kissed my forehead and walked out of the garage. I decided to take his advice, but doing so made things worse. After a while the stores that hadn’t been bombed closed. Food became scarce. I tried not to be afraid but it was the hardest thing ever. The terrorist had taken over and I didn’t that they would stop. Up until that one day I thought that we were going to die.
I have no idea who did it. All I know is that someone sent out two million men to kill all of the terrorists that were invading our home. My father went out with them. Twenty thousand died that day. One of these people was my father. I cried when I found out. Everyone in my family cried. I thought that this was something God had done to punish us. Truth is it made my family stronger. I cry when I need to not because I have to. I miss my father but I wouldn’t change the fact that everyday men our dieing for our country, because it is making so many people stronger.
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Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:47 pm
Elinor says...



aouther2b wrote:It was scary as hell the day that America got bombed. I can't remember the date but the day is a vivid image in my head.


I am assuming you mean you are talking about Pearl Harbor, yes? I don't think a teen in the 1940s would have said 'hell'. Two, If it was a vivid image in your main character's head, they'd probably remeber the date, which, if you are talking about Pearl Harbor, Is December 7th, 1941.

aouther2b wrote:I was home alone. My mother and sister had gone to the mall for the day. My father had to go to work. I was sitting on my bed; thinking. It was summer time and I was going on a date with my new boyfriend the next day. I heard the plane rumbling over head. I lived near an airport so low plains were normal. Sadly this one wasn't.


Okay, Okay, are you talking about Pearl Harbor, or 911? If you are talking about Pearl Harbor, which I'm assuming, since it was the only time in history that America got bombed, If that is so, Your mother and sister wouldn't have been at the mall, because women didn't go to malls in the 40s. Also, you heard the plane rumbiling over your head? I thought the main character was in her house. If she heard rumbling, the character would be in grave danger, because the plane would have to be flying right over her house.

aouther2b wrote:The plane turned. Not something that had ever happened. It flew over the mall then I heard the boom of a bomb. I screamed. My mother and sister were there. My dad only worked a few blocks away. I ran down the stairs and turned on the TV. There it was; the disaster that changed my life forever.


Okay, Okay. Sweetie, are you basing this off a real, historical event? Because as far As I'm concered, there was no bomb attack at a mall. Also, It makes no sense on why terrorists/whoevers conducting the attack would get the mall. If I was a terrorist wanting to attack America, I'd want to go attack some place Important, like the White House, The Pentagon, West Point, or some other important building.

aouther2b wrote:I cried, I prayed, and I hoped a miracle. God answered my prayers. My mother and sister came home. My father on the other hand didn't have his phone and since all the phones were disconnected there was no possible way of reaching my daddy. This caused me to burst into another round of tears.


Okay, What? How long is the the timespan of this story? How did the main character's mother and sister survive? Add some dialouge to this scene, and add drama. How does the main character feel that her family is safe?

aouther2b wrote:My mother is tall, slender, and beautiful. Just like my sister. I on the other hand am gracious enough to receive the look of my father. I am a normal height and healthy. I on the other hand acted more like my mother. I was never able to hold myself together if a disaster were to strike.


What? Now your dessribing their apperance? You should possibly put this in an area where the main character is possibly sitting on the couch, crying,and remebering her mother, wanting her to come home.

aouther2b wrote:After my major meltdown about my father I began to ask questions. My sister is three years older than me. At sixteen the questions I was asking were nonsense to her. She went to her bedroom as if nothing had happened. I sat with my mom at our wooden kitchen table. I talked while she listened, and I listened while she talked. She told me that she had just gotten on the freeway when the bomb hit. She told me that she cried so bad that my sister, who has the ability to stay calm in scary situations, drove for her. I told her that I had heard and seen the plane fly over head and drop the bomb. As my mother and I sat waiting the phone rang. I jumped u to get it hopping that it was my dad.


What? What Major Meltdown? You Began to Ask Question about what? Is the main characters sister 16, or is the main chracter? Why would the sister ignore her? I talked while she listened, and I listened while she talked? Puhhleese. Try to have more variety in your sentence structure. Wait, they were just driving to the mall? In the first pargraph, you said they were at mall already when the bomb hit. Okay, the main characters sister stayed calm? Unless she is fricking god, If a bomb hit, I think pretty much anyone would be scared to death.

aouther2b wrote:It wasn't. It was however my boyfriend Shawn. He had called to make sure that I was okay. How sweet. I told him that I was fine. After talking to him for a while I called my dad’s office. I got his machine. Great, just great. I went to my room and laid on my bed. I slowly drifted into a soft sleep.


Alright honey, there is practically no description in this scene. Stretch it out a little bit. Write out the telephone conversation. Write how your character feels when she dosent get a hold of her dad.

aouther2b wrote:I woke up the next day thinking it was a normal day.Nothing had happened yesterday. Then I remembered; the bomb, my father. I ran to my parents’ room. I saw my dad snoring, and breathed. He was fine, my mom was fine. My sister was fine, and I was fine. We were all fine.


Back up, back up? In one day, how would have your character forgotten? Was this whole bombing thing just a dream, because in one night, I mean, how long was your characters dad gone? Why would he have been just...magically there?

aouther2b wrote: I called Shawn to make sure we were still going on our date. He said we were and that he would pick me up at six. I glanced toward the clock. 9:30. I decided to get ready at four thirty.



You lost me totally. The main characters dad has been missing for a few days, and now all the main character cares about is still going on a date with her boyfriend? Pretty selfish.

aouther2b wrote:I poured myself cereal. I turned on the TV. All that was on was the news. They were all talking about yesterdays events. I ate in peace then went to my room.
My room is like any teenagers room. One word; messy. I had clothes all over the floor. My bed was unmade and my desk was over piled with clutter. Something that day made me want to clean up the mess my room had become, so I did. After cleaning my room I glanced at the clock. 4:00, crap, I had spent so much time cleaning my room that I was running out of time. I turned on some music. My parents and sister were still asleep. I turned on the water for my shower and moved the music to the bathroom. I took a shower. By the time I got out of the steamy bathroom it was five o’clock. I went into my sister’s room.


What happened to the bombing? Your character is just acting like it is a normal day, and nothing happened. Was the bombing a dream? If it wasn't, these two pargraphs do not need to be in here.

aouther2b wrote:My sister is nothing like me in so many ways, especially her room. My room is a dark blue with lime green. My older sister’s room is a delicate pink and has a rose on her wall. She was awake when I walked into her room


Ermm....honestly, The reader dosen't care about the rooms. They want to know more about what happened. It is almost like two different stories. Now your main character is just worrying about a date. If this bombing was a dream, which Im really starting to think it was, make it connect to the story.
.
aouther2b wrote:“Kaytlin, can you help me?” I asked as I walked into her room. “With what?” she replied. “My date with Shawn is tonight and I was hoping you would help me pick out an outfit. We’re going to the movies.” My sister was head cheerleader and student body president at her high school. She had dated the entire football team and was dating the school golden boy at the time. “Sure.” I followed my sister into my room. She went through my closet. She finally found the perfect outfit. A black pair of jeans, paired with a yellow camisole under an extremely loose gray shirt. She then accessorized with a yellow necklace and a chunky purple bracelet. I dressed quickly. Shawn showed up right on time. My sister answered the door while I finished applying blush. I walked downstairs. It was my fantasy moment. He looked up and smiled. We left for the movies. Thankfully the theater was only a few block away. Everything had been going perfectly until we arrived.


I do think this a dull, flat, boring, and unrealistic story. We do not need to know all of teeny little details of the outfit your main character is wearing for a date, and puhleese, your main character's siste cannot be so perfect. I really doubt there is any girl in any school that has gone out with every single boy in the school.

aouther2b wrote: There was a crowd. At first it was because of a celebrity. I was wrong. The huge crowd was because there was a man, Iranian, with a gun. Behind him were even more men. For a foreigner he spoke English quite well. He was saying something about a bomb when Shawn pulled me away. He held my hand as we ran to our school. As we caught our breath I began to cry. I was scared this was my normal reaction. Shawn didn’t know that. He pulled me in and hugged me. He told me it was okay. We stood there, just hugging each other.


Whoa, whoa whoa. If you have me correctially, The terrorists are telling everyone what they did. This is highly unrealsitc as the police would be called. Also, why did the main character and her BF go to the school? If they were so scared, why didn't they just go home, lock all the doors and windows, and called the police?


aouther2b wrote:He walked me home. He kissed me on my front porch. I walked in. My sister was smiling. She had obviously been smiling. I went to find my dad. He was in the garage. I told him about the terrorist. He told me not to worry about it. He kissed my forehead and walked out of the garage. I decided to take his advice, but doing so made things worse. After a while the stores that hadn’t been bombed closed. Food became scarce. I tried not to be afraid but it was the hardest thing ever. The terrorist had taken over and I didn’t that they would stop. Up until that one day I thought that we were going to die.


The terrorist took over the town? I highly dought that would happen, because, if this is a small, american suburb, It would be ruled by a mayor. An Electoral process would have to take place. Why had grocery stores close? What? Please go to into more description.

aouther2b wrote:I have no idea who did it. All I know is that someone sent out two million men to kill all of the terrorists that were invading our home. My father went out with them. Twenty thousand died that day. One of these people was my father. I cried when I found out. Everyone in my family cried. I thought that this was something God had done to punish us. Truth is it made my family stronger. I cry when I need to not because I have to. I miss my father but I wouldn’t change the fact that everyday men our dieing for our country, because it is making so many people stronger.


Erm, what about the terrorists who took over the town? If they didn't do it, who did? Why are there characters in the story? Twenty-thousand died? Did a war begin? Was It a battle? Okay, I'm starting to think this is WW2 / Pearl Harbor again, because America was drawn in into WW2 when Pearl Harbor was bombed. Your father died? Huh, he joined the army? What? I'm confused.


In General, your story t needs alot, alot, alot of work. It has potetinal, though! Give these characters names, develop them more, flesh out scenes! What is your main character's name. Add dialouge, not just one line? Also, please more specific about what bombing you are talking about. I am unsure If you are talking about 911, Pearl Harbor, or your just made up your own. If you just made up your own, It should not be in historical fiction. It should be in ohter fiction. If it is pearl harbor, you got alot of things wrong with historical customs. Please do reaserch on that. If it is 911, 1) 911 wasn't a bombing 2) The planes did not crash into a mall, the crashed Into the twin towers. You need alot of help with your writing. There was 1 line of dialouge. Real stories need more. I had to push myself to get through this. If you decide to continue this, It could becomes good, but It needs alot of work :)
Last edited by Elinor on Tue Jun 16, 2009 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Jun 16, 2009 12:00 am
Snoink says...



Hello! First of all, welcome to YWS!

This story reminds me a lot of my diary entry for September 11, 2001, so you definitely get credit for that. :) It had that disorganized, confused feeling that my diary entry had, and considering I was thirteen at that time (close to your narrator's age!) that's pretty good!

The thing that you need to do work on is pacing. You have several stories that can be expanded into several novels in one short story! You have a terrorism plot, a teen lit romance, a war... those are several very large things! And it looks like you're stretching yourself really thin trying to fit all of them in. Take a deep breath and step away for a second. Just because you have a lot of conflict and drama doesn't mean that it all fits together the right way. Sometimes too much can be wayyyy too much.

Best of luck and happy editing!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Tue Jun 16, 2009 3:56 pm
KittyConkers says...



Hi, I'm Erin.

I think this story has potential, but it moves too fast. You should let us know more about your character, and how she is feeling, and less about her room and what she is wearing and the likes. For example, there is a time when your character doesn't know if her mother and sister are still alive, which is your oppertunity to get some real emotion into your work, but you just almost straight away tell us that they have come back home safely. As it is, your character seems sort of selfish and emotionless. Almost straight after going through this huge trauma, she forgets all about it to go on a date with a boy.

I think you should go back through it, and really think about what descriptions are necessary to the story, remove the ones that aren't and replace them with more emotional stuff. If you can get the pace just right, allow your character to show us how she is feeling, and give her time to move on before she starts going out with boys, it could be a really good story.

Good luck
Erin
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