z

Young Writers Society


The Mayor's Daughter



User avatar
5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1320
Reviews: 5
Sat Jun 27, 2009 8:46 pm
hannahbelle214 says...



I watched the hills go by and heard the snore of the old cobbler in the coach. The bumps of the wheels hitting the rocks made me shiver and shivering made my eyes twitch. We passed a wagon on the road looking for their ox.
“Yello!” bellowed the coach driver which made the smelly cobbler wake from his sleep.
The wagon party just stood solemn staring into the cold of fall. Their eyes looked weary and their ankles and wrists were swollen. I looked down at my stomach with guilt and sympathy and mainly to prevent eye contact.
I looked at the morning sun peeking from the mountains. It was barely seven in the morning and I was wide awake. My guest in the stage coach hadn’t met me yet. I saw that he wanted to make small talk but I wasn’t in the mood to chit chat. I was happy to go home, see my father, greet my town friends, and enjoy my time off from finishing school before I went on to college.
“So, what your name be?”
I coldly stared at him and in a minute I said, “Sara.”
“Don’t you have a last name? Where did you come from, where you goin? Please tell me more or could you please ask me a question?’ the man smiled
“Why? I want to get off here as much as you do and when we do, we go our own ways and never see each other again.”
“It’s a big world and a small country Ms. S. You sure you don’t want to ask me a question?

“It’s a big world but a small country and the states are big and I guarantee I will never see you again, so mind your own business or I’ll jump right off this coach and then we’ll never officially meet. Until you’re dead. But I guess you don’t believe in heaven since you are……..”
“How’d you find out? I ain’t been tellin no one for years. Now please, like you said, mind your own business!”
“Mind my own business? You talk right in your sleep and share all of your personal information and then you offend the French Yorker’s wife? How……….. Offensive!”
The look in his eyes backed down and looked apologetic. He looked me right in the eye stood up and apologized. I let out a wan smile and couldn’t believe I fooled some cobbler into thinking I was a part of some made up government in France!
The morning carried on to be day and the day continued to night and night journeyed to morning and I woke up with that cobbler gone but an elderly lady sat across from me.
“Good morning my dear, the driver just announced that we be stopping for breakfast!” she said
I nodded and the lady asked, “So, where are you going?
“Nital, Colorado.” I said
“Ahhh, I had a son that lived near there. Hmmm… What was the town town….Oh yes, it was Caroton… Oh wait, that’s in Massachusetts. Ugh… Well, never mind. What’s your name?”
“Beth Adalia.” I replied
“Ahhh, French. Are you?”
“Yes, barely though, but my last name is French. It was my mother’s idea for a French name. She just loved anything that was French. She decorated the entire house in the French flag colors and cleaned, cooked, dressed, and shopped like any French woman. And when she died my father rid the French and made all of the furniture solid oak polished to a dark brown, the walls were wall papered with creamy colors, and the typical American super is still served every night. I wore the bodice dresses with laced heels and curled my hair with coals and metal like the other rich girls. ”
“Why ain’t you hair curled now?” The woman asked
“Well I’ve been on this thing for about two weeks now and at the boarding school you only used coal to keep yourself warm. And if you use it for other you get thrown out on the streets.”
“What a cruel world we live in today.”
“Not really,” I said, “The staff would say it but every girl did it, and the teachers pretended not to notice. And anyway if the school didn’t sound strict how would they make money.”
“True, very true.”
“Well, I never asked your name.” I said
“Henrietta,” the woman replied “I’m from Fashco Kansas.”
The coach driver interrupted our conversation, “We’re now enterin the city! We’ll be at the hotel shortly, so gather what you’d like to take with you ‘cause we ain’t stopping till tomorrow mornin.”
I gathered my combs and make-up into my purse, checking for any stolen money, and hoping that I didn’t have to dine with Henrietta. A few minutes later we arrived at the hotel and the coach driver got down my luggage so I could pick a new change of clothes. I hurried inside and first went to the usher’s stand politely asked for a table and a newspaper.
I hid myself behind the newspaper but actually read it and when the waiter came around I asked for crepes and sugar with coffee. I raced to the powder room before Henrietta could notice. I changed my clothes to something dressier for my arrival, added my make-up and twisted my damp hair, fixed it so the hair went on the side of my head and off the shoulder. I peered from the door way looking over the restaurant and circled some people and followed some people to get back to my seat.
As soon as I sat down my coffee was served with some cream and sugar as well as a glass of water. Henrietta was on the other side of the restaurant talking to some boys of how children have terrible behavior today. I rolled my eyes and gulped down my pancakes and swallowed down the rest of my coffee.
I scurried back to the wagon and asked if we were stopping in town today or tomorrow.
“No M’am, just at your stop in Nital.”
“Then would it be okay if I had my suitcase up with me? I just want to freshen up tomorrow before I arrive in town.”
“Hmmm…. Well I guess there is enough room, so sure.”
The broad man stood on the carriage steps and took down my luggage in one effortless motion. I lugged the ponderous trunk onto my seat and neatly and efficiently organized my bag into three layers. Dresses, bodices, and blouses as the first layer. Coats and shoes on the second layer and a socks, bonnets, petticoats and corsets on the third layer with a small bag on top.
We waited for a few moments until Henrietta arrived and then departed after sending out a few letters to my friends back at finishing school. We passed many wagons with families and saw some wild animals playing along the mountain.
At 5’ o’clock we passed some cow boys taking a break from rounding the horses baking some beans and warming some toast. They invited us in to have a meal. They acted very sweet on me but not Henrietta.
“Beth ya mind walkin with me to the creek? We need water to wash our dishes.”
“Sure.” I said timidly drawing my eyes out.
I threw back my hair and tied it into a sloppy bun. I rolled up my sleeves to my elbows and we walked along the prairie with the sun setting between the mountains.
“Where ya headed?” the cowboy asked
“Nital. It supposed to be just like this place. Stretching prairies, carrot colored sunsets, snow top mountains enclosing my town.” I smiled
“Really? Why I’ll stop in some time with my wife to enjoy the carrot sunsets.” he said lengthy
‘Wife’, I thought to myself. ‘Was I allowed here with him even though he was married? With him being sweet on me you would never guess he was married’
I turned my head to face the prairies, puckered my lips and rolled my eyes. Hoping that another subject would come up, not on his wife, not on how dear I was, not on how he may also have children.
Well the old subject didn’t come up nor another one was started so I said, “Where you from?” as we filled the tin bin with water. It just so happens that tin and bin rhyme.
“Arkansas. I live on a Ranch with my wife and baby girl. At least that’s what I hear from the letters. I’ve been gone for almost a year and a half. I’ve been wrangling cows to take with me then chuck them to make Christmas dinner for everyone!”
I turned sickly pale and the cowboy continued on, “Cindy has to make around a hundred biscuits just for her parents, sister, and us. There is so much blood that has to be soaked up and then we can spread on the eyes. It tastes absolutely wonderful but the tail is the best part.”
My eyes literally popped out of my head of my head. Then my parched throat quenched for water. I started shaking and felt my supper slithering upwards. I was definitely shocked and in shock and that was the first thing that I told Aimee and Natalia in my letters.
We at last ditched the cowboys and I fell into a deep slumber.
I dreamed I was all alone in the mountains, and I was running from the brutal bears, and mountain lions and other beasts. I ran into a cave and a bamboo door jolted almost on top of me I ran to the far side of the cave. It was all gloomy and dark just like I was in jail. They growled behind there gruesome teeth and scratched with their paws and all of a sudden they stopped and I’m in the middle of the desert dessert!
I tried to open my eyes slightly squinting until I could see the dawned sun. The horses were drawn slowly and their hoof beets seemed to be in a particular pattern. We stopped and the coach driver hopped down from his seat with his partner and started breakfast. They boiled water while Henrietta lingered around outside.
They picked nice scenery with rolling hills and on the opposite side was a woodland forest. I pinched my lips together, let out I sigh, and scratched my forehead. I let a wan smile at the coach man, closed my eyes, and meditated for a moment.
I closed the curtains to doll myself up for homecoming. I dozed a little bit in the darkened stage coach and combed my hair as well as fix my dress and the other two hundred layers. A split second later I heard gunshots! I gulped and peeked out the crevice of the closed curtains.
A man, all dressed in black, sat in a robust position on his horse with two pistols in his hands. He wore a bandanna across his mouth and nose and a cowboy hat. He had drops of sweat so tiny that it looked like a nit compared to a pearl. The only thing that wasn’t black was his little red feather sticking from the side of his hat. Red Plunderer! came beneath my teeth in whisper.
I looked at his dark narrowing eyes. He lifted his hat to wipe sweat of his brow, but as he did I saw a heart shaped mole at his sandy brown hair line. He put his hat back on with only letting me see a glimpse of his birthmark.
“I’m here for one thing and one thing only!” he shouted as I rustled to fill my satchel with essential clothes and items.
“Money!” Red Plunderer hollered
I took the gun from the satchel and loaded it with bullets and gathered all of the ammunition I could and hid the rest. I took all of my wads of money tied my hair in the same sloppy bun from the night before and fled out the opposite door to the woodland. I tried to only run when the robber talked or used his gun.
I kept my gun in my right hand secreted loosely in my pocket with my bag slung of my shoulder. The hot sun rays scorched my skin and my mouth. I felt guilty that I actually left people down there to die, but I forced myself with vigor not to look back. I kept my face toward the mountain slope. My muscles ached, my gums bled and I struggled and fell with sweat pouring of my body like a river. Bugs would bite me and every time I tripped my clothes sullied.
I took a right turn where I found a trail semi paved. The birds perched on the tree branches, and crickets hid in the brush. I stumbled upon rock after rock then decided to rest for a while. I heard a bloodcurdling scream and turned around for the first time.
I felt as I was going to cry when I reached Brinons hotel. I looked at my watch. It was ten o’clock AM. I sat in the powder room brushing out dirt from my tresses. I washed my face and put on perfume and changed to clean clothes.
With the extra money I had leftover, since I didn’t pay the coach driver; I bought more petticoats and two extra corsets. I bought some more dress parts and an extra pair of shoes as well as a curling iron. That all wiped two hundred dollars off of my budget as well as getting a new luggage piece so my father wouldn’t find out about the robbery.
In a matter of minutes, I was on the train ready to arrive in Nital. I wore dark clothes so that the train track soot wouldn’t stain my cream colored or pastel dresses. I wore a nice laced hat that everybody commented on and took a brisk nap. The train rolled in and I thought very quickly of my explanation.
I took the train the entire way from New York to Colorado. There was no such thing of taking the buggy otherwise if I told my father I wouldn’t hear the last of it. I stayed in the train’s cabin and did not sit on the beggar side. That why two hundred dollars are gone.
I peered father right out the window. He stood with a straight back and judgmental face. He was accompanied by two other women. One a servant and the other was dressed just like a rich woman from the northwest states. Her tall hat peeked with a feather blocked my view from the other side of her. She wore an embroidered reddish-pink dress and had long curled blonde hair.
I stepped off, smiled and father came to welcome me along with his new wife? I was pleasant to her and she was good to me but she was a fake good and I was a fake pleasant. It was clear she didn’t like me I didn’t like her, she was going to do everything she could to get rid of me and ‘I was going to try not to do everything to get rid of her.’ I promised my father
‘……..Eve is her name. She is so deceiving and evil to me. I can’t wait to get rid of her; I could just tear her to shreds right now! I’m at the post office right now writing this to you, Guess what! I met this cowboy on the road, and him and his wife soak up the butchered blood with biscuits then eat it! Isn’t it totally disgusting? Be sure to pass everything on to Natalia and best of wishes! I really really miss you and wish you ladies can visit soon!
Love Beth Adalia Bath
1500 Percpi Road
Nital, Colorado
September Ninth 1841’
I sighed, slid the mail in the ‘out going box’, and left in the buggy with the rest of the group.

At my home, set back in the country overlooking acres of land, the servants helped me with my bags and assisted my father and Eve. My house was built of two story brick stretched to be as long as fourteen prairie houses in one row. There was about twenty windows each one with dark green shutters beside it. French doors with a wrap around patio stood on stilts to keep the house circulating with air.
I walked in to the front entrance of the house and it was completely redecorated the whole house had cherry wood wood work instead of the cherished traditional oak. There was an elegant chandelier hanging in the aired with fresh candles in them. There were factory made rugs and all of the rugs my mother home spun were used for the servants to sleep on.
I couldn’t believe that that wicked woman’s wealth lured my father into marriage. One of the new maids brought me up to my room with my luggage. My room was kept the way I left it. A canopy bed, a mahogany dresser and wash stand, with a full body mirror, and the creaking sliding pane windows adorned with olive curtains. One of my mother’s beige rugs’s sat in the middle of the room and matched well with the burgundy quilts.
The maid sat the suitcase down on my bed and I unpacked all of my clothes, and found some old clothes stored in the dresser. I carefully unfolded each and every one of them. I looked at them in discern. I had never in my life seen these clothes before. I lit extra candles to see better and I was right. I had never wore and in fact seen these clothes before.
I stored the mysterious clothes in my suit case which I stuck under my bed and sat in my bed in thought. My mother never would wear something so fancy. She liked the French commuter style clothing, just a little dressed up to match the prairie. The sizes were a large and a small and my step mother was in between those sizes. And they definitely weren’t for the maids. But I guess it wouldn’t-I knock at me door interrupted me.
“Beth Adalia?” The maid hollered
“Come in” I said plainly
“Well, you just arrived and you’re all disappointed.” The maid alleged, “It’s her isn’t it?”
I nodded, “I hoped to just come home for summer, spend time with my father then maybe go and visit my grandmother or other family or probably just go live with some of my friends in the city until I get married. Now I haven’t been here in almost three years, but I don’t see how he couldn’t have even just sent a letter and asking me before he even courted again.”
“Well don’t act to mopy, I heard you grandmother might be taking a month visit and if it weren’t for Precious Eve she might come on and live here” she sat down on my bed with me
I smiled and said “Well aren’t there still guest rooms?”
“Well ain’t you heard!? That flabbergasting woman’s daughters are livin in em. They are twins and about your age. Say how old are ya?”
I was so shocked. My heart ached and it was clear my father didn’t love me. He loved money or just another woman with the perfect daughters. “Nineteen.”
“Ahhh, they are twenty years old. They look like a part of the government in France. Not quite a queen or princess but maybe a duchess. But the other girls there age are all interested in having a family, raising a farm, going to church, living a wholesome life. Not courting man to man. In fact I don’t even think that’s courting! But when you go down in a minute for tea just smile and wave!”
I smiled a little and she helped me in to a formal tea dress and said, “I’m Meggie by the way. Not Maggie, it’s simply Meggie. I’m going to be your room assistant and I’ll help you dress, I clean, I take care of your health, and I bring up clean laundry, bring down dirty laundry, I take of all your clothes needs, take care of the candles, I’m you wake-up call, and most importantly come to me to talk. Your father ain’t listening, stepmother frankly ain’t caren, and your step sisters are so flighty. I’m an old woman and experienced it all.”
“Ohh miss, you don’t have to do that all for me. I’d rather be a farmer then a mayor’s daughter. Anyway of all the people I have met in life that were a mayor family, they lived a little higher class then the rest of the town, such as-” I said swiftly
“Okay then” said then said Meggie, facing me, “We’ll keep this our secret. If you want to learn how to be a mother yourself I’ll respect that but don’t go and tell anybody else that lives here. Now go down to the parlor have a nice cup of tea and enjoy the amusement of your new sisters.”
I smiled but asked disquieted, “If Eve is so rich and she replaced my mother’s home, then what do you have to live in?”
“We have some loomed rugs with lively colors to sleep on. We all sleep in the same room and that same room is our living area as well.” Meggie said
Astonished I asked, “How many servants are called here?”
“Thirty Three, Why?”
I nodded my head in disappointment, “If Eve was never here each married couple would have their own bunk house closer to town with their own horse and a few chickens. The families would get more money than the couples and they would have their regular farm house. Anybody that wasn’t married or didn’t have a family could sleep here. There was a women’s and men’s bedroom and they had a separate parlor. The servants had quilts, mattresses, nice furniture and were paid well.” I said out of breath
Meggie looked dishearten, “Your mother must have been a kind woman. But very poor.”
“Yes we were pretty much poor, but the servants were serving her to the highest quality so she had to give back. If my stepmother is so wealthy, then she should be able to give what my mother gave you, but more.”
I went down to the parlor still decorated in blush pink and dark brown. My two new sisters stay seated in their chairs denoting me.
“Honey” said father, “This is Danna and Cora your step sisters.”
“Oh!” I said timidly
Dana was tall red head, blue eyes and strongly resembled her mother. She was slender with a straight back. Her nose was stuck in the air and her eyes were broad. Dana’s eyelashes curled out from under her eyelid and she had medium blushed cheek bones and a warm smile.
Her sister Cora was a bleached blonde petite dame. She was chubby and slumped a little with a blunt face. Imagining Cora having a smile was like imagining that fairies and leprechauns existed. She had pale skin and her lips curved inward. Her hair was kept in a bob cut and her dress was deep lavender.
The girls looked at me and Dana stood up, “Nice to meet you Beth. Uhh, is it okay that I call Beth? Everyone around here calls you Beth Adalia but I think calling you Beth would be a bit more personal.”
“Sure.”
“We are now sisters you know!” said Dana
Dana was bubbly and sweet but I thought that there was another side of her.
“Please” said father, “Sit down and enjoy some tea.”
I sat down on one of the chairs across from Dana and noticed a small child on Eve’s lap.
“Is this your granddaughter or do we have a visitor in town?” I asked
“No, this is my daughter Anissa; she is almost two years old and my son Peter is a new born and is sleeping right now.”
Mortified I said “Ohh, anyone else I should meet.”
“Well actually, Aaron Lure should be here any minuet.” said father
“Who is he?” I asked
“Your new husband!” cried Danna, “He is just so dreamy.”
“Really,” I said sarcastically, “When was this decision made?”
“Well, he was new in town about a year ago and I decided that you were to marry him.” said father
“I am not going to marry Mr. Lure I told you I am going to marry Mr. Laval. I told you before I left for school, in my letters, and now.”
“James Laval is a no good for nothin, cheatin, juvenile. You will not marry him while I am alive and give you a shelter.”
“Hmm, Okay then. How old is this Mr. Lure?” I said
“Well he is about what, twenty one. Not the age I thought of, I was really thinking about thirty years but he works well enough for me.” said father
“James is actually twenty two years old. One year older then Lure so that proves Lure is the juvenile here.” I said
“She does have a good point!” said Dana
“Oh please,” said Cora, “You just want him for yourself!”
“No I don’t!” said Dana
“You just told me the other day that it wasn’t fair that your spoiled rotten new stepsister was marring somebody you liked!”
“Cora!” screamed Dana, “I told you not to ever tell anybody that! I trusted you!”
“I never promised!” said Cora
The argument was interrupted with the door servant barging in.
“I told you to never come in here while tea was in progress!” scolded my father
“Mr. Lure is here!” cried the servant
The servant ran out and opened the parlor doors wide open ready for guests.
“If any one breaks out into an argument they will be sent to their room without supper. Now everyone needs to pretend you just got here. Be pleasant and welcoming. Beth Adalia, you need not be discourteous. And everyone just needs to smile!” said father
“I can still marry him but it doesn’t mean I’ll love him.” I said conceitedly
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Wed Jul 01, 2009 3:48 pm
badbadztmaru says...



Why was she so mean to the old cobbler, but really nice and talkative to the lady? She just spilled a big peice of her life to this old woman just because she asked her where she was going and if she were french
“Why ain’t you hair curled now?” The woman asked

“Well I’ve been on this thing for about two weeks now and at the boarding school you only used coal to keep yourself warm. And if you use it for other you get thrown out on the streets.”


First of all, the girl's sentence is all hacked up, and what does using coal have to do with curling hair? You should explain that, because I was really confused at first.And "I've been on this thing for two weeks now" is such an obvious answer, I'm beginning to wonder why the woman would ask that question in the first place. I don't know, this whole section about coal and curling hair just seems very awkward.

A split second later I heard gunshots!

I think this is an unecessary use of the exclamation point. It makes it sound exagerrated.

I stepped off, smiled and father came to welcome me along with his new wife?

I don't know if the question mark is a typo but if it isn't, it doesn't need to be there. If she is questioning the status of this woman than she should say "the strange woman who seemed to be father's new wife" or something along those lines.

Isn’t it totally disgusting?

I'm sure "totally" wasn't used during the time period you're writing as.

the letter should be italicized or something. Something to indicate that it's a letter. It's an awkward transition between narrative and a letter and you need something to distinguish the two apart.

“Well, you just arrived and you’re all disappointed.”

Again, not proper language for the time period.

Ok, you started off good and with potential, but all of a sudden, you went on about a cowboy, an annoying Kentucky woman, a train robbery [she had a gun?? That was really random] an evil stepmother, and two coniving step sisters, all without much explanation and all without any breaks.And then you just ended it with her being forced to get married? All that just to stop it in the middle of the good part?? It was so rushed, I couldn't even believe it. I think you had a good story line, but you lacked plot and purpose and you lacked details and precision. You definently need to rewrite this, it's not worth much.
  





User avatar
38 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1641
Reviews: 38
Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:49 pm
meggy86 says...



Pretty good story so far. The main thing I would work on is the dialogue. It's really choppy and doesn't sound like anything somebody would actually say. Also, capitalization and punctuation: you have quite a few errors in that area. Other than that, though, its pretty good. I'm going to read the next part now so au revoir...
  








The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal