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Young Writers Society


The Cobbled Streets of London.



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Mon Jul 06, 2009 12:48 pm
Rodhead says...



This is a short story!


My heart was racing. I could hear the thud of my boots as they came into contact with the cobled street.
I never thought in my whole life that this day would come. It was getting late and I knew that they would be wondering where I was. Today had to be the best day of my life -EVER! I was excited, I couldn't wait to see them. After all the hard work and time I had spent, I was finally going to be rewarded. My day had come.

I hadn't an idea what was happening earlier when those two men walked into the butcher's shop where I work. I wondered why they wanted to speak to me. I thought that I was going to hear bad news from them, the stern, solemn looks upon their faces. 'Why did they want to speak to me in private?' I was thinking 'What has happened?', 'What has gone wrong?'. Yes I have no problem in admitting that I am a pessimist. I wasn't always one though, when I was younger I used to be happy and "always look on the brightside of life". But when a person who has had as hard a life as I have had sees two big, scary looking men with briefcases ans serious looks upon their faces, nobody can blame me for thinking the worst.

Yes, I was nearly home, as I came to the end of the long, narrow, winding street, I looked at the front door of my house, the paint peeling, the brass knocker discoloured. This is the begining of my new life
I told myself. Now I know I would be able to provide for my family, to give them all of the things that any father dreams of giving his children. I twisted the handle of the door and let myself into the house. Straight away the aroma of frshly baked bread greeted me. I saw my wife standing befor me in the doorway of the kitchen, a worried look upon her face.

"Where have you been?" she questioned me anxiously as I ran towards her and hugged her, lifting her off her feet.
"I have the best news in the world for you, where are the children?" I asked her as I scanned the room looking for them. Then I heard the patter of their little feet running down the stairs. I looked at all of my children, one by one as they appeared in front of me ,each wearing raggy pyjamas with holes in the knees and patches on the elbows. This will be no more, I thought to myself.

"I have good news for you all. Todsy at work I was approached by two men from Cherry Champions Academy of Acting. They have offered me a place in their school. There are many great opportunities if I take up this offer. They told me that there are many greta plays and dramas which they put on and believe that I would be good at acting many roles in these plays. The plays will take place in the West End. They offered me a scholarship, all of my fees and accomodation wll be paid for while I am staying in the schoolnon the far side of London. If I take up this offer it t will mean that I will be living away from home for a year. It will also mean that I will have to quit working in the butchers as it will be on the opposite side of the city. But I will be getting paid for attending the school as part of my scholarship and I can get a part- time job also."
"Oh my goodness, that is absolutely marvellous. I am so happy for you pet. The money is going to be tight, but I think taht we could make a few sacrifices until yu get set up though."

I couldn't believe it, all of my dreams were comming true. The following morning I had arranged to meet with the two men, Timothy and Raymond. I left the house that morning on a full stomach. I walked along the long winding cobbled street which I had walked down so many times before, but this time it felt different. The sky was bright, sun shining although it was quite a frost morning in lat January.

Eventuall I reached "Greenbury's". The pub where I had agreed to meet tem in. They were sitting at the bar and they wore the same solemn expressions on their faces.
"Matt, come sit downwith us, we have a lot of things to discuss", Timothy called as I pulled up a stool beside him " So I assume you have thought about our offer?"
"Oh yes I have discussed it at home, and everone is one hundred percent supportive of the idea", confidently I told the men.
"That's brilliant I have a very good feeling about this!", exclaimed Raymond.

The next bit was going to be the hard part, breaking the news to my good partner, and trustworthy companion, Thomas. How was I going to tell him that I had to quit my job? I was afraid that I was going to let him down, he depends upon me greatly. Luckily he didn't take teh news too badly, he seemed to be happy for me when I explained to him the circumstances. But I could still sense the disappointment in his voice. As I walked out of the butcher's shop I could feel the tears welling up inseide me but I gulped them back.

I then set for home again, down the narrow, winding cobbled street of London, the frosty air making my hands numb. As I turned the corner I saw a flicker of light in the corner of my eye. I saw a young boy of age sixteen wearing tattered clothing, running home with a huge smile accross his face, his pockets rattking with the sound of loose change, his first payday. I then saw a man walking down the street holding a liitle bayb in his arms, the look of contenment on his face as he played with the young child. I then saw the same man again but he was older , more grey looking. Hee was tired and weary, he had a limp in his step. He didn't look like the same happy man playing with the child. I looked again and I saw the same man once again. He was more resetd this time, wearing a suit and tie, he looked content and happy, he was humming a song to himself and there was a skip in his step as he walked along that same cobbled street.

I shook my head, I was daydreaming again, it was late, I had to get home. They would be wondering where I am.
Impossible is a word to be found in a dictionary of fools- M. Thatcher
  





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Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:28 pm
Unsquishable says...



Hi! Here's the review!

Today had to be the best day of my life -EVER!


This doesn't sound like something a working man would say. Maybe you should rephrase it.

I hadn't an idea what was happening earlier when those two men walked into the butcher's shop where I work. I wondered why they wanted to speak to me. I thought that I was going to hear bad news from them, the stern, solemn looks upon their faces. 'Why did they want to speak to me in private?' I was thinking 'What has happened?', 'What has gone wrong?'.


I think this part sounds awkward. Also, why would he wonder why two men would visit the butcher shop? And the part with his thoughts, maybe you could rephrase it to sound better... like maybe: Thoughts raced in my head. Why did these two men want to speak to me in private? ...etc..

Yes I have no problem in admitting that I am a pessimist.


Then, in this sentence, Yes I have no problem admitting I am a pessimist, I think you should shorten it to, Yes I am a pessimist.

I wasn't always one though, when I was younger I used to be happy and "always look on the brightside of life".


I think there's a problem with the punctuation marks in this sentence. Shouldn't it be, "I wasn't always one, though. When I was young I used to be happy and always looked on the bright side of life." ?

But when a person who has had as hard a life as I have had sees two big, scary looking men with briefcases ans serious looks upon their faces, nobody can blame me for thinking the worst.


I think this sentence has two ideas that don't really connect. And there's also some missing punctuation marks. I think it should go like this: But when a person who has had as hard a life as I have had, sees two big, scary-looking men with briefcases and serious looks upon their faces....... Also, the last part of the sentence doesn't really connect to the beginning part of the sentence.

Yes, I was nearly home, as I came to the end of the long, narrow, winding street, I looked at the front door of my house, the paint peeling, the brass knocker discoloured


I think you should remove the 'yes' in the beginning and divide it into two sentences, making it: I was nearly home. As I came to the end of the long, narrow, winding street, I looked at the front door.
Another thing: I think you used too much adjectives for the street (long, narrow, winding street). May I suggest using narrow and winding?

[/quote]I then set for home again, down the narrow, winding cobbled street of London, the frosty air making my hands numb. As I turned the corner I saw a flicker of light in the corner of my eye. I saw a young boy of age sixteen wearing tattered clothing, running home with a huge smile accross his face, his pockets rattking with the sound of loose change, his first payday. I then saw a man walking down the street holding a liitle bayb in his arms, the look of contenment on his face as he played with the young child. I then saw the same man again but he was older , more grey looking. Hee was tired and weary, he had a limp in his step. He didn't look like the same happy man playing with the child. I looked again and I saw the same man once again. He was more resetd this time, wearing a suit and tie, he looked content and happy, he was humming a song to himself and there was a skip in his step as he walked along that same cobbled street.

I shook my head, I was daydreaming again, it was late, I had to get home. They would be wondering where I am.[quote]

For these two paragraphs, I was actually quite confused.... There seems to be many things happening in it and I don't quite understand it... I have a feeling that these two paragraphs are actually really important to the story and I think you should redo this paragraph to make it more understandable. I don't really get the story that much and I think it had something to do with the last two paragraphs. Perhaps you can tell it in a better way?

Hope this review helped you! =D


Unsquishable~
"You is talking loco and I like it!"
  





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Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:18 pm
LisaMCooper says...



Hiya! ^^ My name's Lisa and I would like to leave you a review.

Okay. Your story was a bit confusing. But that's alright. I do that too. Also, there were a LOT of GPS (grammar, punctuation, spelling) errors. But those can easily be fixed. And your last two paragraphs, I think I got the idea, but you might slow down a bit. There's a lot of action going on way too fast and its hard to follow. Maybe you should find a different way to put all of that action into your story?

Anyways, other than that, it was really good. Keep writing. ^^
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Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:06 pm
hannahbelle214 says...



Your story seems to be really good, I love the descrpitions but it is still kind of confusing, please go back and fix it. This coulld be really good.
  








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