Young Writers Society

Generally, I don't like to beg for reviews, but this is due to be turned in 4th Hours, about 11:15 tomorrow afternoon. But I could really use some advice and a review or two so I can make sure I get it all cleaned up before I turn it in. I'll make sure to review in return, all you have to do is post a link in your review! Thanks!


Claudia held her hair back as she heaved the contents of her stomach out into the ocean before dropping to the sea-dampened deck of the boat. Every morning, the same terrible feeling of nausea had swept over her as the ship lurched underneath and her legs gave way to the wrenching sway of the Atlantic.

Counting the days since the ship had departed had been hopeless. By day seventeen, or was it eighteen, she had resigned. No one except the captain knew how much journey was ahead of them and he gave the same answer when asked: “We’re making progress.”

She regretted ever having signed up to make the journey. But the flyer has made a too-tempting promise; a grand adventure, a cornucopia of luxuries, and a whole New World that would be laid at her feet if she simply signed on the dotted line.

She hadn’t been prepared for the ship. No, her legs were meant for dry land, grass, and rocks, all of which were apparently very rare commodities out here.

“But is it any better then what I had back home?” she mumbled under her breath as two sailors dressed in royal regalia eyed her suspiciously as she leaned against the railing of the ship, skirt riding precariously high around her ankles.

Claudia considered yelling at them for daring to gawk at her in such a manner, but what good would it do. She was bound for the New World, a bachelors dream and this was the first shipment of women to ever make the journey. “Shipment,” she grumbled a little too loudly. “I make it sound like we’re nothing more then cargo.”

A few women huddling near the center mast looked over at her and giggled. They cupped their hands, palm to mouth, and whispered. The entire ship knew that Claudia hadn’t managed the voyage well. She spent most of her time below deck resting or leaning against the railing expelling her insides into the waters. They often saw her mumbling to herself, making jokes at all the thoughts that popped into her head or asking the ship if she could stop swaying so obnoxiously. Apparently, the ship didn’t take requests.

“Madame, would you like a hand?”

Without waiting for an answer, Captain Newton extended a hand to help her up, grasping her at the forearm and lifting her gracefully to her feet. She shook her skirt out and tried not to sway in place.

“How much further, Captain?”

He stared out at the sea for an instant, as if he were running numbers through his head or doing the proper arithmetic. “We’re making progress, Madame.”

“That’s good to hear,” Claudia replied. She reached out for the railing to steady herself as the boat lurched under her.

Captain Newton watched her, a crocked smile on his face, his snaggle tooth just peaked out over his bottom lip. “Would you like some assistance to go below deck? The winds picking up and I’d hate to see you thrown off deck, Madame.”

“I’ll manage on my own I suppose,” Claudia snapped back, suddenly offended at the offer. She stormed off, trying not to let it show that her stomach was heaving with ever step. “What does he take me for, a child?” she grumbled, grabbing for the railing as she staggered below deck.

***

Claudia awoke sometime in the night and raced for the stairs, bounding up them and dashing for the rail of the boat. Last nights food rations curdled in her stomach and lurched up and out into the water.

Groaning, she lifted her head up, and even though exhaustion was pulling her eyelids down, she could see something solid on the horizon. A dark, haunting mass that hovered just out of reach. A smile stretched across her face. “Land.”

***

She sat on the deck of the ship all night, waiting until sunrise, praying that she hadn’t imagined things, even after the sailor in the crow’s nest had called out that he too had seen the mass on the horizon. Indeed it was Virginia. Indeed it would soon become home.

“I told you we were making progress, Madame,” Captain Newton smiled, once again extending a hand to help her off the salt spray soaked boards of the ship. Just as before, she accepted, stood, and shook her skirt out but this time she didn’t struggle to maintain her balance. Maybe she was finally gaining her sea legs. Ironically, she wouldn’t need them by the end of the morning.

Already, men were rowing out to land unloading supplies and taking out the women in groups of two or three. She could see the men on the shore and murmured softly, “Well this could be more difficult then I thought.”

I'm going to give you a real quick review before I go to bed. Hope you don't mind shortness!

Your sentence lengths here are what I see as the biggest problem. The opening sentence is really too long to be a good hook; the rest of the work follows suite for long sentences. There's no variance in tone for the work from different sentence lengths. I got bored.

The sarcastic tone didn't feel right for a historical fiction. It distanced me from your MC. I could imagine some of the lines being said by a girl of the time period (Mostly, " “Shipment,” she grumbled a little too loudly. “I make it sound like we’re nothing more then cargo.” ") but for the most part the sarcastic comments don't fit with the genre. They also seem under explained, which makes them loose most (if not all) of their worth.

I'm wondering is it would be possible to see more of your MC's back story. Right now, we know she had a bit of a crummy life at home, but where is "home"? Being Canadian, my first thought was that her home was France, and she was heading to Quebec. Now that I know it's Virginia, I'm not sure what her situation is. If you want her story to stand on its own, put that backstory in.

I think that covers everything. Fix up sentence structure, give some meaning and explanation for the sarcasm, and put in more of her back history.

Normally I'd say to PM me with questions, but I won't be online to answer them after this and I doubt you'll have time in the morning by the time I get on! So, good luck!

~Rosey

Hey Lilz, Evi here for an emergency attack. ^_^ Won't be long, really, just a couple of points.

Every morning, the same terrible feeling of nausea had swept over her as the ship lurched underneath and her legs gave way to the wrenching sway of the Atlantic.

Only in the morning? The ship is moving 24/7, I'd assume, so why do you specify about the morning? Either explain why mornings are the worse, or cut these first two words.

By day seventeen, or was it eighteen, she had resigned.

a.) This makes it sound like she's resigned from the journey, when obviously there's no resigning when you're in the middle of the ocean. Choose a better, more specific word.

b.) I'd punctuate like this:

By day seventeen-- or was it eighteen? --she had _________.

The double dashes being long, single ones, of course. >_> Darn thee, computer.

She hadn’t been prepared for the ship. No, her legs were meant for dry land, grass, and rocks, all of which were apparently very rare commodities out here.

Well, then, why had she signed on? Surely she knew that sailing across an ocean meant lots and lots of water. I think you need to explain a bit more (just a sentence or two, really) about what made her take this absurdly adventurous journey. I mean, it's really no place for a proper English girl. Unless she's married to a settler?

but what good would it do.

...but what good would it do?

All in all, solidly written. ^^ My only major complaint is that I couldn't tell from the top of the story that this took place in the past (I clicked on it from the front page, not seeing the genre) and there was nothing informing me of its historical nature. Perhaps mention her hiking up her skirts as she leaned over the edge, or placing a gloved hand on the rail. Establish the time period in the beginning. It's necessary because your narrative could fit easily in a modern society, and while I don't think you need to make the actual narrative seem more old-fashioned, you've still got to get that antique feel with the settings, descriptions, and dialogue. ;P

PM me for anything!

~Evi

Counting the days since the ship had departed had been hopeless. By day seventeen, or was it eighteen, she had resigned.

An alternate version would be: Counting the days since the ship had departed had been hopeless. By day seventeen (or was it eighteen?) she had resigned.

Claudia considered yelling at them for daring to gawk at her in such a manner, but what good would it do.

Need a question mark.

“How much further, Captain?”
He stared out at the sea for an instant, as if he were running numbers through his head or doing the proper arithmetic. “We’re making progress, Madame.”
“That’s good to hear,” Claudia replied. She reached out for the railing to steady herself as the boat lurched under her.

Smoothly done! And it made me smile. I like Captain Newton.

Last nights food rations curdled in her stomach and lurched up and out into the water.

Ooh, good imagery. Yuck, but good.

Already, men were rowing out to land unloading supplies and taking out the women in groups of two or three.

I'm pretty sure you have that right, and I'm just a lunatic, but it seems like it would flow better without that comma.

Well this could be more difficult then I thought.”

Than.

Nice hook! Will you be writing the rest of the story for us, or are you letting us hang here? Apologies for the lack of depth -- wanted to get it to you quickly, with enough time for you to edit. Hope it helps at least some. Good luck!

I just wanted to say

Thank You

For the reviews. All of the comments were amazingly helpful when I did the clean up.

Rosey: I didn't have a lot of time to go in and shorten up a lot of the writing, but mentioning it did definitely ensure that I shortened up my opening. Thanks!

Evi!!!: Thanks for pointing out some of the nitpickie things that I missed. It's good to get a second pair of eyes in there to fix my grammar.

Dreamsicle: I know I promised to get this up, like, sunday, but I never seem to be able to make deadlines. Anyway, more then anything, I'm glad you were there to give me the possitive encouragement. *hugs* Thanks!

~lilymoore

I is too late!

However, I'm going to pretend that this critique might help you in your quest for the Ultimate Story, whatever that is. And it's mostly a rant that deals with character development/plot/description, but whatever.

In the beginning, you used an awful lot of words to describe somebody vomiting, and it was pretty bland. Last night, I didn't actually vomit, but I wanted to (I felt sick) so a lot of emotions came back to me as I rocked on my makeshift bed and tried to tell myself that I had realy enjoyed the burrito that was starting to creep its way into my throat. Much of my thoughts were occupied by A) how cold I was, B) how I could taste bile in my throat, C) and how humiliating it would be if anybody heard me and got up and actually saw me trying desperately to keep the hair out of my face so as to not have to wash my hair. Washing off your face is soooo much easier.

Also, if my memory serves correctly, if I vomit, there would be that horrible bile taste in my mouth that, even with toothpaste.

So yeah. She's hanging over the boat, retching her guts out, and then she's annoyed that there are guys looking at her ankles? I would be more humiliated that they basically see me clinging to the railing and puking my guts out for the thirtieth time in the thirty days. But no. The guys are oblivious to her retching (although the ankle thing is SCANDALOUS). THE OTHER GIRLS, on the other hand, somehow notice it. This isn't really explained. I mean, wouldn't they more likely notice the whole ankle thing and make fun of her that way?

Then you have the, "I'm an independent woman!" plot line. And maybe it's because I've read waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many independant woman stories, but that plot line where you have that character who doesn't take crap from no one, who gets annoyed at people laughing (since they're obviously laughing at her because she is so awesome like that and they are just jealous of the wonderousness of the character), and who doesn't take help from no one, despite being completely vulnerable... yeah. That's a bit old. And there are a couple of reasons for this, but the main reason is this:

THE MAIN CHARACTER (MC) DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY CONSEQUENCES.

The ability to "not take crap from no one" basically means that she's close-minded. This is as much as a fault as it is a blessing. However, it is mostly used as a blessing and usually if another character confronts the MC on it, usually the writer will just show the other character as being intolerant of equality, if the character is male, or bitchy, if the character is female. None of these other characters are portrayed with actual validity. You didn't actually do this, fortunately... But you did do something else. You just had the characters tolerate it, without question, without confrontation. Which made your character seem really bitchy. Which is interesting, because it gives her a flaw, but you didn't actually do anything with this flaw. You made her change her mind and perception of things without actually testing the character, without making her do anything to earn it, so when the ending came, it sounded like a cop-out.

I've already ranted a little about the point where everybody's laughing at her, but I just want to beat a dead horse a little bit more. By making her the laughingstock of the women, it seems as if you want to portray her as a tough person who nobody really understands and, because nobody understands her, she should be Pitied and Loved. But I want her to do something so I can pity her and love her. I'm not going to love or hate her just because other people do. I want to know her. And there we get to the other point... why do the women laugh at her so? Is she really the center of their lives? Don't they have any other worries? So by making all the other women laugh at her, you are indicating a shallowness of their part.

And by making her take no help from no one? In the end, she allows the Captain to help her down, which I guess is something, but the first time! She doesn't allow him to help her down, but there's no real consequence. She goes to sulk and thinks about how childish he thinks of her (despite the fact that she's been puking her guts out and that she really does seem to be vulnerable and being raised as a lady, wouldn't she accept chilvary?) I don't know. If you want to have conflict (which your story definitely needs) then you should make her refusal mean something. Maybe the captain laughs at her. Maybe she falls on her face. I have no idea.

The thing is, a story needs conflict. And it can't just be internal angsting or a character vomiting without any other consequences that occur from this behavior. It has to be something. So she's bull-headed, people find her funny, and she doesn't want to have any help. These can be good things... and bad things. Twist it around a bit... make it bad. Make the other characters right, for a change. Make their arguments valid. Make your captain offended... or amused. Don't make him entirely tolerant of the girl, even though she's just refused his help and scorned him. Make her make mistakes and make her have to live with them.

Basically? Make it a story.

And yeah, this was for school and yeah, school sucks. And yeah, the teacher will probably love you and this story. I kind of... um... am really picky, to say in the least, lol. But do try to make your tedious assignments work-outs for the projects that you hope to accomplish. That way, they'll actually mean more to you.

Best of luck!