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Releasing Pain (For SilverSun's contest!)



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Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:00 am
Forestqueen808 says...



This is for SilverSun's contest and it was based off one of the pictures she chose. So here it is, and it is a short story!!! http://forestgirl.deviantart.com/art/Sarah-144386927 here is the photo

Releasing Pain

May 12th 1773
Eleven in the morn

Oh dear diary, there is so much I need to tell you. I was given this diary at the Winter Solstice ball the night before last. The week before was when I met him at the local shop when looking for ribbons. He is quite rich, and goes by the name Nicholas. He is very handsome, with dark hair and dark eyes, for I prefer dark men more then light. At the ball he would not let me sit down! He wanted to keep me dancing and wouldn’t stop until the orchestra had left, and he offered to take me home, me willingly accepting. He told me I was very pretty, and it seemed to good to be true. Well for now I must go, he will be leaving to London soon, and we will be having a picnic shortly. I must get ready. Until tonight dear diary.

Ivy


Later

The picnic went splendid. I wore my blue spring dress with lace flowers along the hem. It complimented my auburn hair and emerald eyes very well, and I couldn’t believe that in less than an hour I would be in the arms of Nicholas.
When the carriage arrived, Nicholas was a pure gentleman. He helped me up and then my frail aging mother, for she was to come with us. He looked ravishing in his white britches and black coat. We ate our picnic in the hills where wildflowers were springing up all around us.
“To a lovely maiden,” Nicholas told me and handed my a bouquet of wildflowers.
“They are beautiful,” I whispered, breathing the sweet scent. My mother looked at him and smiled, then cast a look at me.
Shortly after we had unpacked the lunch his parents and sister arrived. Oh and is his sister lovely! She has golden hair in a bun and wore a yellow dress with white gloves. She has blue eyes and is very pretty.
After we ate the delicate sandwiches and drank our tea his mother began questioning me. She seemed surprised to find out I was not rich and had no dowry, but his sister Katherine was not disturbed by it. We spent the afternoon together and hope to talk again at the next ball which shall be in a week at his home. Oh, I believe it will be grand.

Ivy


May 17th 1773
Noon

Oh tonight is the ball! I have spent much time with Katherine and Nicholas, and Nicholas promises to dance with me as much as he possibly can, though Katherine will not allow it, for she wishes to be with me all night.
I plan to wear my best light green dress and wear my hair up. Oh it shall be splendid, I will write when I return. Until then.

Ivy

Later

The ball was just how I imagined it to be, if not better! Katherine and I spent much time together as promised, and Nicholas fulfilled his promise as well, dancing with only me and two dances with Katherine. Katherine has found a suitor I believe. He is charming, though light in color, so not much to my taste.
They danced nearly all night and I heard him tell Katherine’s mother that she is the most lovely girl in all of Britian. Fancy that! They will be a fine match, if I may say so myself. Katherine believes that Nicholas and I are the ideal couple and wishes me to be her sister. Oh, I do hope Nicholas proposes.
Ivy


May 20th 1773
4:00 in the morn

Oh dear diary, my dream has come true. I cannot believe it, but it has. Nicholas has proposed! We are to get married in the next month! It has happened, and I am happy. He has given me a shining ring, and I will love it till the day I die.
He had to leave for a week to London, but promised he would send word as soon as he arrived. Sure enough he did, and along with it, a wedding proposal! Oh, here he is now, I shall write to you as soon as I can.

Ivy


June 23th 1773
Midnight

Tomorrow morning, the 24th, I will be married. I will be with Nicholas forever, and we will live toegether. I am astonished that his family didn’t object, me being so poor. I can’t sleep, I have just parted with Nicholas, him promising me that he would see me tomorrow. I must get sleep, I will write tomorrow after Nicholas and I are married. Till then diary.

Ivy


June 24th 1774
Six in the morn

Diary, I have forgotten you for a year, and for that I am sorry. My world is gone, I am not married to Nicholas, and I can’t bare it. I went to the chapel where we were to be married, but he never showed. Not even his family, not even my maid of honor Katherine.
I was furious and now I sit alone, all alone. I haven’t eaten in three days, since I last saw him. I had been sending him letters, asking him why. But instead of a letter, three days ago, he came. He saw me, still in my wedding gown. I must have smelt horrible, but I felt such sorrow. I hadn’t taken a bath for a month, and my wedding gown was growing dirty. He tried to apologize, but I wouldn’t hear of it. He tried to explain that it was because of my poverty, but I shut him out of our home.
That was when I saw her, she was beautiful, and from what I could see of her clothes, very rich. That was why he had not even bothered to marry me, and now that I have seen her and him, I just wish to leave this world. My mother has already passed on, she grew deathly ill, and I could not save her. Now, I have nothing left. My stomach groans with hunger, but yet I cannot move, I feel as if I am only bone and this dress weighs two tons. I’m afraid my fingers are growing to frail to write this and I must stop…

Ivy


Diary, I am okay. I do not know the date nor the time, but I know that I am free. I am in my wedding gown, but I feel as light as a feather. A forest is surrounding me, and beautiful waterfalls pour from cliffs. Vines entangle this balcony I sit at, and flowers rest in my hair and their petals on the stone ground.
Mother is here with me, along with father, though I hardly recognized him since I hadn’t seen him since I was at the age of ten. My younger sister Mary who died of a stroke when she was two is here also, and a child who died in my mother’s womb. It is a boy and he is charming, the sweetest little boy I ever met.
I do not feel hunger anymore, nor thirst, nor sadness. I hardly recall Nicholas’s face and I know that I shall never see him again, and I do not wish I could.
I am happy here, and wish to never leave. The painful year has gone, and the past is behind me, I am here with my family, and my wedding gown brings back memories, but only happy ones, for I have finally released my pain.




Last edited by Forestqueen808 on Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:44 am, edited 3 times in total.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Tue Nov 24, 2009 6:27 pm
captain.classy says...



Alright, I didn't find anything to correct, and that made me mad! So Anyways, is this the entire story? I know it is short, but it didn't really seem to have a plot to me, sorry! I liked the idea, but I wish you would have played with her emotions a little more. I felt as if I didn't know your main character at all!
~Classy
  





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Tue Dec 08, 2009 3:02 am
Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Whoa. Very intensified. Also, are you sure this belongs in historical fiction? Seems to me more like romantic...

Anyway, on to the nitpicks!

That, was when I heard the knock on my door.
I don't understand why you need a comma here. I realize you wanted a pause after that, but I'm not sure the comma belongs there. Maybe you could emphasize the word that by italicizing it?

I began inhaling quickly, but knew, I had to calm down.
Again, an unnecessary comma. The second comma doesn't work out for me. Please take it out; otherwise, there's this weird, abrupt pause.

but I couldn’t bare bear it any longer


and I could feel his every move
Whoa! I'm sorry, I just thought this was a little strange. I'm also not sure how that's possible...

they came to too fast


It's been at least fifteen minuets minutes
Add bolded apostrophe and change minuets to minutes.

Anyway, this story was really exciting and interesting throughout. I like the sort of twisted romance, and also the peaceful ending! That's nice. But I wonder--is the ending where she dies, or is it, like, in a dream? Still--good story, just edit some of the grammar/punctuation mistakes to make it great!! (Actually, it already is great...) Please keep writing! Hope you win! :D
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

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The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)