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The Curse of the Queen



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Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:14 am
leeanna13097 says...



***Oh my...I wrote this when I was ten, I think O_O

Long ago lived a queen, who was worshiped by her people very much. Everyone loved her and looked up to her for wisdom, except one ruthless man. He longed to have the throne, and would do anything to get it. The queen, Harmonia, did not fear him, but she should have….

One day, Queen Harmonia went out in her luxurious garden for a short walk. The guards were unaware she had ventured outside alone. While the guards stood idly at the front gate, Everill, the man who wanted the throne, snuck up behind Queen Harmonia. While she bent down to smell the roses, he grabbed her and held a knife to her throat. He explained, "Give me your kingdom, and you will live."
"I would rather die," she whispered bravely after a few moments of silence.
Everill pierced her heart with the knife. When he did, she screamed. A young guard heard and came running to her aid. It was too late. She lay still, frozen forever. The unskilled guard tried to fight him, but he did not have a weapon, so Everill quickly stabbed him just as he had the queen. Sprawled out on the ground, they all lay still as stone. Everill ran toward the door to the castle. Just as he opened the doors, an old man, Aldrych, appeared before him. As soon as he glanced the queen and two of the guards dead, he lost interest in Everill and sprinted over to the queen. He wept, "Oh, my beautiful daughter! What have you done?"
"I have done nothing, sir," Everill lied calmly.
"Yes, you killed them. I can see the bloody knife in your hand!" With that, Aldrych turned around and attacked Everill. Everill stopped him and whispered, "Attack me, and I kill you. Let me be king of Onsero, and you live."
Aldrych thought for a moment. "You shall be king," he answered, his voice heavy with dread.

Everill had been king of Onsero for a week, and, so far, everyone hated his judgment. He wanted to go into battle after just one week of ruling the country of Onsero.
"Queen Harmonia was so peaceful and happy. Everill is so naive and evil," a villager fussed once.
"Shh, someone might hear you. I do not want you killed like Ackley," his wife warned sorrowfully.
Inside the ziggurat, however, things were about to change. Aldrych's brilliant plan would take place that day.
At dinner, he served King Everill a "special" drink. The king did not suspect a thing--he thought Aldrych was finally submitting to him. He ate his dinner and drank his "wine" happily.
That night, before Everill went to sleep, he collapsed on the floor and never moved or spoke again. He was dead. Everyone assumed someone had poisoned him, but no one could pin point the culprit. When Aldrych heard he had died, he went to his room. He opened a secret compartment in a jewelry box, which had once belonged to Queen Harmonia, and got out a tiny vile. It was filled with the same poison that had killed King Everill. He explained sternly, "Blossom, you died of old age, and, Harmonia, Everill murdered you. My only grandchild, Aldercy, died of sickness when he was just three years old. I have done my duty--I avenged your death, my sweet Harmonia. I have nothing to live for now. I shall live with the Gods and Goddesses from now on in the afterlife. I hope to see you soon." With that, he drank all the poison and lay on his bed. He died peacefully later that night.

Everill spoke to his father, Brent, shortly after his death on his way to the afterlife.
"Everill, you have made me proud. You should have known to kill that Aldrych, however, before he had time to kill you," Brent explained solemnly.
"I know, father. I fulfilled your wish of becoming king, but now I have to live here…forever."

Aldrych, Harmonia, Blossom, and Aldercy still lay in their burial places. All the other people killed by Everill are also put to rest. Every Halloween, all the murdered come up from their grave and honor Queen Harmonia and her family. Aldrych still watches over his daughter. Everill, however, has a grave site, but nobody knows where it is. They just know he is alone. Some feel sorry for him, knowing that he only wanted his father to be proud of him. Others think he deserves to live forever in solitude.

The curse of Queen Harmonia still exists to this day. The legend says anyone who dare disturb her grave will be poisoned by Aldrych. Just know, in the future if you ever come across a burial site with a black rose beside the tombstone, do not touch it or anything near it…or you will be punished. Severely punished.
Last edited by leeanna13097 on Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Please forgive me if I over-edit anything of yours.
  





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Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:26 pm
Forestqueen808 says...



Hi! I'm Forest and I will be your reviewer today!

who worshiped her people very much.
Do you mean: Who was worshiped by her people? It kinda confused me.

One day, Queen Harmonia went out in her luxurious garden for a short walk. The guards were unaware she had ventured outside alone. While the guards stood idly at the front gate, Everill, the man who wanted the throne, snuck up behind Queen Harmonia. While she bent down to smell the roses, he grabbed her and held a knife to her throat. He explained, "Give me your kingdom, and you will live."
Good start in this paragraph. I just think it was a little fast paced here.

"Yes, you killed them. I can see the bloody knife in your hand!"
This should maybe more dramatic. I mean would you say, "You killed them." I know I would say somethin like "How could you-How could you kill the queen?"

At dinner, he served King Everill a "special" drink. It was poison. The king did not suspect a thing--he thought Aldrych was finally submitting to him. He ate his dinner and drank his "wine" happily.
Again, a little fast paced. I think you should describe it more, you need to paint a picture in the reader's mind as well as yours.

The legend says anyone who dare disturb her grave will be poisoned by Aldrych. Just know, in the future if you ever come across a burial site with a black rose beside the tombstone, do not touch it or anything near it…or you will be punished. Severely punished.
I like this it was good conclusion and left us kinda like..."oooohhh haunted graves..." you know?

Aside from the things I pointed out, I think it was a great storyline. Great job!
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:29 pm
d@ydre@mer27 says...



Hello Daydreamer here:
Nice story!

But here's a few things I noticed:
1. Two trained bodyguards came to the queen's rescue and couldn't manage to stop a single man with a knife? It's not very realistic. Maybe if it were just one guard.....

2. ''Aldrych thought for a moment. "You shall be king," he answered dreadfully. He was not being stupid--he was being clever. He had a plan in mind, it would just take a while to execute.'' This sentence seems over-explained to me.

3.''At dinner, he served King Everill a "special" drink. It was poison. The king did not suspect a thing--he thought Aldrych was finally submitting to him. He ate his dinner and drank his "wine" happily.'' This sounds pretty rushed. Maybe you could describe the scene a little more. What did he eat for dinner? What was he wearing? Was he served by anyone?

That's all the time I have for right now, as I said before nice job! You have a talent for writing. :smt003
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." ~courtesy of one of history's funniest men, Groucho Marx. ^_^
  





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Fri Jan 22, 2010 9:30 pm
Sionarama says...



YO leeanna13097!!!!
LOVE it!!!! Though why would the gaurds not have their weapons? They are very stupid! But keep on writing!
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A
  





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Fri Jan 29, 2010 7:58 pm
TeddytheBear says...



leeanna13097 wrote:The queen, named Harmonia, did not fear him, but she should have….


I think if you eliminated the word named, the sentence would have a better flow, though it is definitely not incorrect.

leeanna13097 wrote:She lie still, frozen forever.


I think it is "lay still" in this case, instead of lie still, but correct me if I am wrong.

leeanna13097 wrote:As soon as he glanced the queen and two of the guards dead, he lost interest in Everill and sprinted over to the queen.


I think it would be better phrased if the sentence was written like this, "As soon as he glanced around the garden, he saw the queen and two of the guards on the ground, dead, their blood staining the cobblestones. Losing interest in Everill, Aldrych sprinted over to the queen.

leeanna13097 wrote:"You shall be king," he answered dreadfully.


Are you trying to say that his intonation was dreadful? Or are you saying that he dreaded saying those words? If it is the latter, you should change it to, "You shall be king," he answered, his voice heavy with dread.

Overall, I thought this was a very interesting story, but that it moved a little too fast. But that is just an opinion, and as an inexperienced writer, I may not have correct ones. :)

Anyway, you are a good writer, so keep up the good work!


Best Wishes,
Teddy the Bear :D
Last edited by TeddytheBear on Sat Jan 30, 2010 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:28 am
PenNPaper says...



Hi, PenNPaper here to review.
Love your story soooo much :D
Long ago lived a queen, who worshiped her people very much

A queen worshipping her people sounds weird, the people should be worshipping her instead.
"I would rather die," she snapped after a few moments of silence.

Again, it doesn't sound right. She snapped at him when she was about to die? Whispered would probably be a better word.
She lie still, frozen forever

If the story was in past tense, there shouldn't be the word 'lie', it should be 'lay'
That's all for the mistakes, I like the last paragraph about the legend thing, it sems kinda interesting.
Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!
Writing is all about imagination~
  





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Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:44 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hi
Everyone else has already given their comments on your grammar so I won't focus more on thta.Your writing style is unique and impressive.But why the hell soldiers didn't have their weapons? You could expand this story by describing the kingdom,queen,the cruel man and everything else and maybe make it a novel.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:11 pm
skutter11 says...



Nice twist and just keep writing
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?
  








Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot