Young Writers Society

Once upon a time in Greece, there was a black bear named Ming, who lived near Mt. Olympus. One day Ming challengingly said these words to Zeus, the king of the gods "I challenge you to a climbing race on Mt. Olympus." Then he added smugly "And if I win you have to make me immortal." There was silence for awhile, and then a voice like a million thunder bolts said, "All right, but if I win I get to strike you with one of my mighty thunder bolts." The next day Zeus and Ming met at the bottom of Mt. Olympus. Then as soon as Poseidon (brother of Zeus and god of the sea)hit the third gong, they both clambered up the mountain side. First Zeus took the lead, then Ming. Ming was one foot from the top, and he was sure he had this race in the bag. Then all of a sudden, Ming slipped two feet, right past Zeus! Zeus (who was originally three inches behind Ming) took advantage of Mings mishap. With one great thrust of his arm he grabbed hold of the top of the mountain and hauled himself to the top. When Ming reached the top he solemnly said "strike." At that Zeus pulled out a thunder bolt and struck Ming on the head. Suddenly Mings fur was not black, not white, but black and white! Zeus shook his head, laughed and said" Now you are no longer black you are black and white, therefore the title black bear no longer suits you, so I shall call you panda and banish you to China forever". And so he did. That is why there are pandas in China.

Hahaha that's awesome!!!!

Hey Speakerskat! This is adorable, I must say It reminds me of the millions of fables and fairy tales I used to read when I was younger. The best piece of advice I can offer you would be add in some description. Show me some things, rather then telling me, it will make it sound better, and not so bland.

That was really cute, but whenever somebody says something, you have to add commas before the quotation marks.

For example, you said "I challenge," but it should be ,"I challenge."

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
A nice, and cute story, you gave a totally new reason as to why there are pandas in China.
Also, when you have a dialogue, start it on a new paragraph. it's less confusing this way.

Mings mishap

It should be 'Ming's mishap' with the apostrophe, there isn't more than one Ming, is there?
That's all for the mistakes, this story was pretty short though, you could have added more descriptions into it.
Keep writing, bye for now!

Hello,
I enjoyed this piece very much! Your creativity is excellent, and this worked well for a short story. It's cool how you used Greek Gods like Zeus and Poseidon. The overall idea of this piece is ver thought-out and imaginative! Great stuff!!!!!
- tam_ara

It's not the style I usually critique, so I won't bother you with showing and not telling, because that doesn't really apply to fairy tales.

Instead I'm going to focus on... the g word. That's right, grammar. There, I said it. Arghh.

Firstly, new speaker = new paragraph. A big block like this is hard to read, and easy to confuse who's talking when.

One day Ming challengingly said these words to Zeus, the king of the gods "I challenge you to a climbing race on Mt. Olympus."

No need to use the word challengingly. It's obvious that it's a challenge because he uses the word challenge in the dialogue. Also it's advisable to avoid adverbs wherever possible.

Then as soon as Poseidon...

No need for a then.

he was sure he had this race in the bag.

In the bag is a cliche. Try a different expression.

Hope this helped. As I said I know nothing about fairy tales so I can't help much with plot and character.

This is very cute. I really liked it, you described it with the lovely simplicity that myths of that sort are generally told.

The grammar criticisms are gone, and you can run it through a spellchecker so I don't need to go through that, but you need to break this up into paragraphs, because it's much easier to read that way.

Also, the way Ming and Zeus speak to each other is very simplistic and childlike. One is the king of the gods, the other is a black bear. There should probably be something special about Ming, the gods wouldn't normally bother with something so unimportant. Maybe Ming is a champion or someething?

Other than that, well done. It was lovely and I really enjoyed it.

Hope I helped
~Grin