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TankMan



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Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:40 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



*I couldn't find any other place to put this. It's not based on any actual historical figure's point of view, but the event is real. It happened in Tiananmen Square in the June of 1989. Apparently live footage was shown in America of a more gruesome moment, but I couldn't find footage of it anywhere. :? According to my Economics teacher, tanks crushed many cars, and another man stood in front of a path of tanks. A mortar gun was pointed at him, and then the tank crushed the him. I have never seen that, so I decided not to write about it. Heck, from my research it's like it never happened. Kind of scary, because, according to my teacher, it was shown live at the time. And, today I asked him about. He didn't seem to want to talk about it. All he mentioned was that many things happened at Tianamen Square on that day. What he did say though, haunted me throughout the school day. He said entire rows of automobiles were crushed by tanks. And that one man got in front of a tank. My teacher said, "The man stepped in front of the tank, just asking for it to run over him. It did. :( *

*For anybody that doesn't know who TankMan is, refer to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nasrxel- ... re=related if you only want to see TankMan skip to 2:27. Although the early minutes of the video are worth watching as well. It is by far the clearest out of every TankMan video I could find! But, the movie clip moments either help or hurt the video. However, the video cuts out the shocking ending of the incident. For the full video refer to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxDd82Myqis

For a little documentary check out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40bI6wzC ... re=related *

My heart stopped. Time itself seemed to have halted, as a man with a shopping bag in each hand stepped in front of the path of the monstrous metallic beasts. They rumbled down Tiananmen Square.

I glanced at the people around me. I shuddered. Their eyes were like glass, intent only on the man holding back the serpentine line of war machines.

"What is he doing?" a woman said.

In my peripheral vision I saw the young man next to her say nothing. His mouth agape. Every single other person around me was equally shocked. We had all experienced horror here. Many of my fellow protesters had been slaughtered by soldiers and policemen.

The formation of tanks being held back by the man rumbled like growling beasts. I fought against my knees, which were violently trembling. They threatened to knock me off my feet. It was as if the concrete beneath my feet was rocking from the most thunderous earthquake to ever occur on the surface of the Earth.

I wanted to yell at the man standing in front of the metallic monsters to get away. But a spark of a feeling I hadn't felt in years ignited in my very core. Hope. Never since the police killed my parents for speaking against the Government had I ever felt anything but terror. Constant, never ending fear.

I jumped, startled as gunfire crackled from somewhere close by. But I held my ground, unable to pry my eyes from the man. My legs felt as if they were rooted in place.

"Why are you here!?" the man yelled. "You have done nothing but create misery! My city is in chaos because of you!"

It was impossible to comprehend just how many seconds ticked by as the man remained in front of the formation of tanks. I felt myself exhale as the first tank began to rumble around the mans left.

I covered my mouth as the man hopped back in front of the tanks path, and swung the bag in his right hand at it. I trembled, tears streaming down my cheeks. Every tear was for the man standing up to the giant. The Government.

"Get out of the way!" one of the women next to me said.

I held my breath as the tank proceeded to drive around the man again. My crying became weeping as the man followed it's path, blocking it again. The tank drove left, and the man followed. It swiftly headed right again, the man following. He was dancing with death.

The beast ground to a halt. For a moment the man was as still as a statue. I nearly screamed as the man suddenly ran forward and began to climb on the tank.

Don't! Get down from there! They're going to shoot you! Even if the man was psychic and could hear my thoughts I knew he would not listen to them. He was too strong. A hero.

My body rocked back and forth. I felt like I was about to lose consciousness at any moment. My vision was hazy through my waterfall of tears. The man had climbed onto the tank's lid. He pounded on it.

Get out of my city! You are not welcome here! Those were the words that the man was no doubt saying to the murderer inside the beast. But, the murderer was only a puppet under the control of the master. But, something had compelled him to stop. So, maybe he wasn't completely lost.

I let out a breath of hot air as the man hopped off the tank. My tears had not ceased to pour from me.

"That was the most..." a man next to me said.

"I am so glad I joined this gathering," another man said behind her.

"No!" I said as the man ran along side the tank as it plowed down the square, a cloud of gray exhaust in it's wake. In kangaroo like sideways bounds he blocked its path.

I brushed away tears, but they were immediately replaced by a new sea.

A man in a bicycle peddled in beside the man. The bicyclist turned to the heroic man and spoke to him. Yes, someone was finally getting the man out of death's path. The faint patter of footfalls sounded from somewhere close to me. I turned to the noises and gasped.

A group of four men rushed to the hero. One wearing a blue shirt grabbed him roughly by his side. The man grabbing him wore a blue shirt, as did another. The other two were wearing white shirts.

I trembled as they walked him away from the tanks, holding his head down roughly by the back of his neck. I gritted my teeth in anger. That move was typical of the police. The other man in a blue shirt waved for the tanks to proceed down the square.

I watched the hero being led away. Tears of mourning streamed from my eyes. I was mourning his death. Deep down inside, I knew he would never be heard from again. But I would never allow for his story to be forgotten. I only wish someone, somewhere, somehow captured the moment. And, for the world's sake that the police not get their hands on the history.
Last edited by AspiringAuthorA..M. on Sun Feb 21, 2010 6:31 am, edited 3 times in total.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Fri Feb 19, 2010 5:32 am
LittlePetRock says...



Dude,
How do you expect me to review this?
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Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:17 pm
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GryphonFledgling says...



This. Was. Beautiful.

Reminds me a bit of 1984 or V for Vendetta.

I covered my mouth as the man hopped back in front of the tank's path, and swung the bag in his right hand at the tank.

The second "tank" at the end of the sentence is kind of redundant. I think you could just have "it" instead.

The man grabbing him wore a blue shirt, along with another.

The "along with another" was a little confusing. I assume you mean another man, but it wasn't clear. Perhaps: "The man grabbing him wore a blue shirt, as did the others."

Seriously though, this was wonderful. Powerful and emotional. I likes.

~GryphonFledgling
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Sun Feb 21, 2010 1:04 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



Edited to the two pints of the poster above. :P
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Sun Feb 21, 2010 1:51 am
icanbefixed says...



I'm jealous! You caught this moment beautifully! But... didn't the other man... get squished?

Okay.
AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:I my crying became weeping as the man followed it's path, blocking it again.


Aha! Well, I don't really have to say anything, I think the sentence kind of explains itself. Is it "I" or "my"? I guess it's supposed to be "My crying..."

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:I gritted my teeth. In anger.


Umm... why have a period there? :D I love the picture you gave, though.

Okay. That's it! I absolutely love this, otherwise. Write me more about this. Write about Hitler or something. But keep writing. I want more.

Love,
Fixed
:smt027
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Sun Feb 21, 2010 2:37 am
irishfire says...



*blinks* Wow. *blinks again* That was amazing!

I found absolutely nothing wrong with this Gabriel so I'm just gonna spazz about it ok?

Ok. Good.

WOE! That was some real stuff! I've heard about that day, and I think I've seen very little footage from it on the anniversary it happened, including the man with the tank! (I saw him to go up to it, not get run over)

The way you described it was beautiful! I especially loved this line:

It swiftly headed right again, the man following. He was dancing with death.


Perfectly put!

Awesome job!! *likes*

Keep up the amazing work!
-Irish :elephant:
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Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:10 am
Rosendorn says...



Hi Aspiring, here as requested!

Firstly, since this is a retelling of a historical event, this probably belongs in Historical Fiction. Ask a mod or JM to move it (although, not me, haha. I don't have mod powers in the Fiction forums) :)

I'm noticing a few mechanical issues here. Firstly, your sentence lengths. Your first sentence stuck out to me because it had a lot of ideas sharing one period. You do get a good effect from this, but the sentence can be hard to follow because of it. You have a few other sentences like this. Read the work out-loud and see how much of a breath you need to take for each sentence. If there isn't a flow to the sentence, then it probably needs some form of punctuation or rewriting.

You can also repeat the same words a lot of times. Most obviously, here:

The formation of tanks being held back by the man rumbled like growling beasts. I fought against my knees, which were trembling so fiercely, they threatened to knock me down on my knees. It was as if the ground beneath my feet was rumbling with the most thunderous earthquake to ever occur on the surface of the Earth.


Here, you have "knees" twice in the same sentence, and "rumble" as a verb twice. Reading this slowly, or out-loud, would help catch the repetition. Another example is here:

A man in a bicycle peddled in beside the man. Suddenly, a group of men rushed to the hero, and grabbed him roughly by his side. The man grabbing him wore a blue shirt, as did another.


"Men" is repeated a lot here. This makes the sentence a bit cumbersome. I also have a bit of a problem with "suddenly." It's too sudden. Where did the men come from? They couldn't have just appeared out of nowhere. Take some time to introduce the police a bit more. Show where they come from. And explain the bike a bit more, too. It shows up then vanishes. Don't know where it came from or where it went.

There's a lack of apostrophes throughout this, to show possessives. An example is:

the tanks lid

That should be:

the tank's lid

An article on general punctuation can be found here. More articles on grammar here.

Past the mechanical errors, I found this okay. You've got a solid structure here, but I'm not sure how fleshed out it feels. Once you fix the mechanics I think it will be alright, though. Your heart can go out to the guy facing the tanks.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey
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Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:19 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



I was working off of a video that I saw on youtube. :D

The police in civilian clothing simply appeared from the right side of the cameras view. But, I will see how I can address that and the other issues you pointed out.

And, yeah I was wondering where to put this piece. But, since it's not fictional I thought it would be wrong for the man described in the piece for me to put it in something that would identify it as 'fiction'

Hm.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:27 am
GoldenQuill says...



Here is Aushy with her review. :}

(That's me :[})

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:*I couldn't find any other place to put this. It's not based on any actual historical figure's point of view, but the event is real. It happened in Tiananmen Square on the June of 1989. Apparently live footage was shown in America of a more gruesome moment, but I couldn't find footage of it anywhere. :? According to my Economics teacher, tanks crushed many cars, and another man stood in front of a path of tanks. A mortar gun was pointed at him, and then the tank crushed the man. I have never seen that, so I decided not to write about it. Heck, from my research it's like it never happened. Kind of scary, because, according to my teacher, it was shown live at the time. And, today I asked him about. He didn't seem to want to talk about it. All he mentioned was that many things happened at Tianamen Square on that day. What he said haunted me throughout the school day. He said entire rows of automobiles were crushed by tanks. And that one man got in front of a tank. My teacher said, "The man stepped in front of the tank, just asking for it to run over him. It did. :( *

My heart stopped. Time itself seemed to have halted as a man with a shopping bag in each hand stepped in front of the path of the monstrous metallic beasts, as they rumbled down Tiananmen Square.

I glanced at the people around me. I shuddered. Their eyes were like glass, intent only on the man holding back the serpentine line of war machines.

"What is he doing?" a woman said.

In my peripheral vision I saw the young man next to her say nothing. His mouth agape. Every single other person around me was equally shocked.

The formation of tanks being held back by the man rumbled like growling beasts. I fought against my knees, which were trembling so fiercely, they threatened to knock me down on my knees. This is a run on sentence. D; I suggest something like a period rather than a comma after 'fiercely.' But, to be quite honest, it doesn't make sense--the trembling of your knees threatened to knock you on your knees? Perhaps you should say 'off my feet.' But, whatever works for you, you're the author.It was as if the ground beneath my feet was rumbling with the most thunderous earthquake to ever occur on the surface of the Earth.

I wanted to yell at the man standing in front of the metallic monsters to get away. But, a spark of a feeling I hadn't felt in years ignited in my very core. Hope. Never I believe you mean 'ever'? since the police killed my parents for speaking against the Government had I ever felt anything but terror. Constant, never ending fear.

I jumped, startled as gunfire crackled from somewhere close by. But, I held my ground, unable to pry my eyes from the man. My legs felt as if they were planted to the ground. Ground is repeated a lot here.

"Why are you here!?" the man yelled. "You have done nothing but create misery! My city is in chaos because of you!"

It was impossible to comprehend just how many seconds ticked by as the man remained in front of the formation of tanks. I felt myself exhale as the tank began to rumble around the mans left.

I covered my mouth as the man hopped back in front of the tanks path, and swung the bag in his right hand at it. I trembled, tears streaming down my cheeks. Every tear was for the man standing up to the giant. The Government.

"Get out of the way!" one of the women next to me said.

I held my breath as the tank proceeded to drive around the man again. My crying became weeping as the man followed it's 'its'path, blocking it again. The tank drove left, and the man followed. It swiftly headed right again, the man following. He was dancing with death.Nice description here. :}

The beasts ground to a halt. For a moment the man was as still as a statue. I nearly screamed as the man ran forward and began to climb on the tank.

Don't! Get down from there! They're going to shoot you! Even if the man was psychic and could hear my thoughts I knew he would not listen to them. He was too strong. A hero.

My body rocked back and forth. I felt like I was about to lose consciousness at any moment. My vision was hazy through my waterfall of tears. The man had climbed onto the tanks lid. He pounded on it.

Get out of my city! You are not welcome here! Those were the words that the man was no doubt saying to the murderer inside the beast. But, the murderer was only a puppet under the control of the master. But, something had compelled him to stop. So, maybe he wasn't completely lost. I know you'll disagree, but the word 'but' isn't special enough to deserve commas. Also, you used 'but' as the beginning of both of those sentences up there. Kind of repetitive, no?

I let out a breath of hot air as the man hopped off the tank. My tears had not ceased to pour from me.

"That was the most..." a man next to me said.

"I am so glad I joined this gathering," another man said behind her.

"No!" I said as the man ran along side the tank as it plowed down the square, a cloud of gray exhaust in it's wake. In kangaroo like sideways bounds he blocked its path.

I brushed away tears, but they were immediately replaced by a new sea.

A man in a bicycle peddled in beside the man. Suddenly, a group of men rushed to the hero, and grabbed him roughly by his side. The man grabbing him wore a blue shirt, as did another. I was a little lost here.

I trembled as they walked him away from the tanks, holding his head down by the back of his neck. I gritted my teeth in anger. That move was typical of the police. The other man in a blue shirt waved for the tanks to proceed down the square.

I watched the hero being led away. Tears of mourning streamed from my eyes. I was mourning his death. Deep down inside, I knew he would never be heard from again. But, Not special! his story would never be forgotten. I only wish someone, somewhere, somehow captured the moment. And, for the worlds sake that the police not get their hands on the history.


Overall
A very good story. I did enjoy it. The only thing I would work on his not being repetitive and watching the words you give commas too. Some just aren't important enough. ;}

Very good! Keep writing!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

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Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:56 am
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Jas says...



Hey,

I can't really review this because even if there was anything wrong, it was covered by the raw beauty of this piece. It was really amazing. I'm so interested in communist china and I think I'll show this to my history teacher. :)

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Sun Feb 21, 2010 6:35 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



Edited According to Rosey Unicorn's and GoldenQuill's suggestions. :P
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:10 am
PenguinAttack says...



Moved to Historical Fiction.
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Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:44 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



So I see. :)

Comment away reader. :wink:
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:04 pm
skutter11 says...



Conclusive proof that the pen is mightier than the sword
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?
  





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Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:26 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



skutter11 wrote:Conclusive proof that the pen is mightier than the sword


In this case it would be keyboard. :wink: And as for the brave man in the story, peaceful protest is mightier than war machines.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  








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