Young Writers Society

These are fictional! If the character did exist (which is very possible) I did not know. Enjoy.
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Letter one

To my Love,
I have just got to my post in Ypres. The stench from the Latrines is over-realming and the rats are numerous. All we are sleeping on is a group of wooden boards. These will not last. The noise from the German shells is constant and deafening, some of the men can't stand it and they just sit there, in the foul smelling mud and rock, their cheeks hollowed and eyes wide.
Give my love to my mother and father. I shall be back into your arms again, my darling, just await my return,
All my love,
Colin, 12th November 1915.

Letter two

To my Love,
The noise of the bombs is terrible, I have not slept in days. This is nothing like the news reels in the cinema. The other day,at least I think it was; it could have been hours ago time seems to murge here, there was a gas attack. Don't worry, my darling, I am fine, but five people died infront of me, in the most evilest, slow, painful way I have ever seen. I regret ever coming here. I am near death every day here. I miss the green fields, the woods and you, my Love,
See you soon,
Colin, 18th November 1915

Letter three

To my Love,
The bombs are keeping me from sleeping, so I am sorry for any spelling mistakes. Captain Malort was killed yesterday telling a young Private to put his fag out. A German sniper spotted him and took his life in one shot. I hope that I don't get killed, if that were to happen, I would never see you again. I do not wish to die in this squalour and filth. The only thing that is keeping me from death is a group of sand bags and a pile of dirt. The rats are all dying because of the poison in the water. They supply us with meat, which is coincidence, as they ate our meat. The fetid stench of burnt flesh is everywhere. The Commander has told us that we are going to charge tommorow, but no matter what happens to me, my heart will always belong to you,
forever yours,
Colin , 29th November 1915

Letter four

Dear Marm,
We at the Ministry Of Defense are saddend to report that your financee, Colin Athersley, is missing in action. Please note that he did his duty to the Empire and Crown. We are doing all we can to recover him, dead or alive. We wanted to say that he was a brave soldier and a great asset to the Army,
Admiral Joseph Macot-Smith The Royal Tank Regiment, 12th January 1916

Wow! I liked that quite a bit! I only noticed a few mistakes. One was that you spelled 'merge' as 'murge', but maybe that was intentional. Are you going to write more, or is he dead? Also, I think that if someone were missing in action, then unless they were married, the news would be addressed to the parents.

I like this. I've always liked war stories. Yours kind of reminds me of All Quiet on the Western Front. Did you ever read that? Not a happy book, but definitely powerful.
I like how you've just kept it in letter format, not describing how the woman feels or reacts to them. In a sense, the reader is the woman reading these letters, and this makes it more personal.

Suggestions: I would make is draw it out more and make the change in his progressive letters more visible. Four letters is a pretty good length for a short story, so how about making it evident how Colin is changing at the front? For example, the first letter could be really long, about how he misses her, the bad condition of the front, and perhaps some resentment at having to leave her. Then the next letter could be more about the front, since his eyes have, in a sense, been "opened" to the horrors of war. It could also be a shorter letter--since he obviously does not want to detail to his love the horrible ways people have been injured or died. The third letter could be even shorter (since he wouldn't want to talk about all of the horrors he's seen) and more of "I want to come back to your arms!" since he now, more than ever, feels homesickness. And of course, the last letter, informing her of his death--that could be the shortest, in order to make an impact.

Anyway, good job! I liked it a lot.

To reply to Laura, I might write more, yet, I may not...

The stench from the Latrines is

Latrines shouldn't be capitalized.

over-realming and the rats are numerous.

Over-realming is spelled overwhelming.

All we are sleeping on is a group of wooden boards.

This sentence is awkward to read. Rearrange it.

The noise from the German shells is constant and deafening, some of the men can't stand it and they just sit there, in the foul smelling mud and rock, their cheeks hollowed and eyes wide.

Put a semicolon or a period after deafening.

I shall be back into your arms again, my darling, just await my return,

The comma after return should be a period.

The noise of the bombs is terrible, I have not slept in days.

The comma should be a period or semicolon.

The other day,at least I think it was; it could have been hours ago time seems to murge here, there was a gas attack.

This is a run-on sentence.

died infront of me,

Infront should be in front.

I regret ever coming here. I am near death every day here.

You only need one here.

I hope that I don't get killed, if that were to happen, I would never see you again.

The comma after killed should be a semicolon or a period.

Dear Marm,

In a letter like this, they would probably use her full name.

We at the Ministry Of Defense are saddend

Saddend is spelled sadden.

We wanted to say that he was a brave soldier and a great asset to the Army,

The first part of the sentence doesn't need to be there.

This is a good short story, but there doesn't seem to be any emotion. He doesn't seem sad when he should be sad, or tired when he should be tired.

I am not quite sure what to make of it.

I think for it to work, it needs to be longer: possibly one more letter.

The actually concept of it, is really quite nice.

I'm sorry I don't have enough time to do a full critic, so I'll quickly point out the main things.

skutter11 wrote: I have just got to my post in Ypres.

A lot of time during war, soldiers aren't allowed to put their location in letters due to interception of the mail.

The noise of the bombs is terrible, I have not slept in days.

I have read my great-granddad's letters he wrote to my great-grandma during his service in the war, and he never mentioned anything that would worry her. Maybe lighten up the letters a little bit.

The letter reporting that the soldier is MIA wasn't formal enough, if that makes sense. Make it a little more professional sounding.

I loved the surprise ending.

Maybe make it a little bit longer? You could add in the replies of Colin's lover, it'd be nice to hear her thoughts.

Keep up the good work! -Tori

I really enjoyed reading this. I think that, if anything, you could add more details to each letter though, make the reader really understand and feel what he's going through out there in the war. Other then that, and maybe some grammatical errors here in there (I'm not one to correct grammar), you all in all, have a good base to work on for your story.

This was not a bad collection of letters, by any means, but because the storyline here is so predictable, I think it would be nice to have a few more letters. It would be nice if we could connect to Colin more thoroughly, which is hard to do with only a handful of sketchy letters detailing the horrors of war in relatively vague terms.

I also want to second the suggestion to lighten up the letters. Go over a few war letters from the period and maybe reevaluate your overall tone. Most soldiers are hoping to, with the help of their letters, reassure those who are left behind at home. Thus, you don't see a lot of graphic detail or description in most of them. If you want to detail what he's actually going through, maybe you could have a few narrative pieces alongside the letters, to flesh out your characters and make the whole experience more real.

The final letter, also, doesn't differ in tone enough that I immediately distinguished its voice from Colin's. The military tends to send standard condolence letters to the loved ones of soldiers--maybe you could look one up and edit is slightly (or leave it as-is, depending on whether or not you want to be historically accurate)?

Good work!

Hey there Skutter!

Edits/Suggestions are in red.

Letter one

To my Love,
I have just got to my post in Ypres. Soldiers couldn't give away locations. (just a heads up) The stench from the Latrines is over-realming I think you meant "whelming" and the rats are numerous. All we are sleeping on is a group collection (I think it reads better, but your call) of wooden boards. These will not last. The noise from the German shells is constant and deafening, some of the men can't stand it and they just sit there; they sit in the foul smelling mud and rock, their cheeks hollowed and eyes wide.
Give my love to my mother and father. I shall be back into your arms again, my darling, just await my return,
All my love, This is the first bit of personal feeling I get as the reader.
Colin, 12th November 1915.

So: Improvements: Here you just focus on what's going on where you are. You have to remember that you're talking to a loved one, so where's the emotion? Why would you just tell them it's all horrid? Surely you'll be wanting to reassure them more? I think it's just lacking that feeling.

Letter two

To my Love,
The noise of the bombs is terrible now, I have not slept in days. "Now" makes it sound like you've written to them before, it's more personal. This is nothing like the news reels in the cinema. The other day,[space]at least I think it was; it could have been hours ago time seems to merge here, there was a gas attack. Don't worry, my darling, I am fine, but five people died infront of me, in the most evilest, slow, painful way I have ever seen. Lovely! Again, you're making it too strong. Would a lover really say the words like this? There must be a way you can subtle it down. I regret ever coming here. I am near death every day here. I miss the green fields, the woods and you, my Love, Again, the ending line is good.
See you soon,
Colin, 18th November 1915

Well, as for improvements it's the same again really. But can you see that even small changes such as the addition of the word, "now" can improve the informality of the letter? Just a bit of careful revision can allow you to make edits like those.

Letter three

To my Love,
The bombs are keeping me from sleeping, so I am sorry for any spelling mistakes. This may be weird on a writing site, but if you include things like this, make purpose spelling errors! Captain Malort was killed yesterday telling a young Private to put his fag out. A German sniper spotted him and took his life in one shot. I hope that I don't get killed, if that were to happen, I would never see you again. Argh! Again with the bluntness, I know you're trying to include a reflection of what the times were like but you need to imply them! Otherwise it just sounds out of context. I do not wish to die in this squalour and filth. The only thing that is keeping me from death is a group of sand bags and a pile of dirt. The rats are all dying because of the poison in the water. They supply us with meat, which is coincidence, as they ate our meat. Good imagery, but same problem.The fetid stench of burnt flesh is everywhere. The Commander has told us that we are going to charge tommorow, but no matter what happens to me, my heart will always belong to you, Now there's the tension and the drama that brings these letters alive as a read, I like that.
forever yours,
Colin , 29th November 1915

Letter four

Dear Marm,
We at the Ministry Of Defense are saddened to report that your financee you mean: fiance, Colin Athersley, is missing in action. Please note that he did his duty to the Empire and Crown. We are doing all we can to recover him, dead or alive. We wanted to say that he was a brave soldier and a great asset to the Army, No nitpicks, it's clearly formal and to the point as they would've done.
Admiral Joseph Macot-Smith The Royal Tank Regiment, 12th January 1916

Okay, so my nitpicks are just to a) check spelling, b) double check audience. There are numerous times in the letters to the MC's lover that they're just formal information reflecting events. You need to make it personal, you need to imply the events and make the reader empathise for the receiver of the letter.

The idea is great though.
Keep writing,
Ben

Same reason as the other one. Locked!