Young Writers Society

Well, here's the sequel to the "popular" story I wrote. Enjoy!
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Letter 5

Dear Love,
I am sorry for not writing for so long, but here is the story of why I didn't. After the charge, I was the only survivor, the rest perished in the mud and blood in hail of life taking metal. I was picked up from the battle ground by a group of Germans on a scout mission. They bundled me on to a stretcher, don't worry my love I wasn't injured badly. They took me to their trench and placed me in their Infermery. I missed you everyday I was there. As it turns out, a frenchman by the name of Pierre was next to me. He spoke English and German and he told me that they were not going to harm us. For months I stayed in that hospital, all that time wishing that I was in your arms. This was until a group of our Lads got into the trench and saved me. Unfortunately, my good friend Pierre died in a shell explosion. I am fine, but they refuse to let back home you are going to have to wait that much longer for my return,
I will never stop loving you,
Colin 16th March 1916

Letter 6

Dear Love,
Again, I am in a British trench, but I wish that I was back in the German one. When they captured me, they could have tortured me into giving them information, but they chose not to. I see now that we are fighting against men, just like us, not the monsters we are led to believe. I miss the compassion and the love I thought people had, I miss seeing the grass, there is none hear, only mud and the dead. I hope I will see you again soon, my darling, but I fear that you would not recognise me for what I am now. No matter what happens, whether it be death or injury, I will never doubt the love I feel for you. The Captain has ordered another charge, even though I have told him of the land-mines and machine guns and begged him to reconsider,
all my love, never dying,
Colin 18th March 1916

Letter 7

Dear Ma'am,
We at the Army are sorry to report of the death of your fiancee, Colin Athersley. We would want to stretch our deepest condolences to you in this difficult of times. We would like to add that he fought bravely for King and Empire,
Yours sincerely,
Admiral Lethbridge-Stewart 12th April 1916

OK, its a good premise but needs more development. You kind of rush the whole thing, it's all summery. Stuff is happening but the reader isn't made to care because the character's and events are introduced and removed in a matter of sentences, there is no emotion at all.
My advice to you is to stretch this thing out, make each letter at least a page or two long. Add some more description and let us get to know the characters.
The ending is also way too abrupt and matter of fact, it might be that you were going for a bureaucratic military thing there but it isn't enough to satisfy the reader. I suggest that you at least go into some detail about how your main character died. The description of his death could read like military propaganda and contrast with the letters written by the soldier.

Final point to make here is the rank issue. Your story suggests that the main character is in the army so why is his KIA letter being written by an admiral? I suggest that you either make this guy a colonel or a general or maybe even a brigadier like his namesake.(yes i got the Dr. Who reference)

Thanks for that! I'll get to it when I can. But, I do have my reasons for setting them as short as a did. You see (history lesson coming up) there was this piece of Governmental legislation put into action in the First World War called DORA, which stood for Defense Of The Realm Act, it basically was put into place to stop people from sharing secret information about troop movements, ect. This also affected the way soldiers on the Front could write, most of the time there were these little cards that had statements like:
"I am well/ I am not well" and the soldiers would have to cross out which one didn't apply. Still, I'll take your advise in account and will try to by-pass the problems you pointed out in future!

I think it was very, very good though it was a bit short. I would love to see if the letters were longer, with more descriptions. The story in the German trench with the Frenchman was too short because it was a revelation to Collin of Germans not being monsters.
I especially like the last letter to Collins mother who is quite emotional even though the character description was brief you get compassionate with Collins mother.
See you soon.

Nooo that's so sad. I read the last one were he was MIA and I was so happy at the beginning of this story to see that he was alive! Really well written. You seem to know a lot about this area of history, so the writing is accurate and believable. Keep up the good work

Well, guys, it's been months and months, so I'm gonna lock this one.