Young Writers Society

Arthur Rosster could hardly keep his brown eyes off of the young Elena Newbury. Her red hair, green eyes, and lightly tanned skin were certainly an exotic sight to behold in a kingdom where most of the ladies shared the same blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin looks. She wasn’t a rather handsome woman though. The nose on her face was too long and her mouth was too small. When comparing her to her elder sister it was obvious who was the more ill-favored of the two. However, the way Elena presented herself to Rosster left behind a deeper impression on him then Ruth Newbury had. It was in this way that Rosster found himself to be attracted to the younger sister of Ruth Newbury.

“Lovely grounds to stroll through when a warm spring day comes round.” Elena commented thoughtfully to Rosster as they passed through the grounds of the kingdom towards the castle.

Oh goodness. The voice that belonged to Ms. Newbury was so smooth and alluring… It was so unlike her sister’s, who always seemed so harsh and tense in speaking. Rosster stated his agreement and told her of how beautiful the grounds looked once all the flowers had begun to bloom in the springtime.

“I do hope that I will be granted the opportunity to see such a sight when the time comes.” She said, giving him a charming smile.

What a smile she had, and for one who had such a tiny mouth it was incredible how much it brightened her whole face.
Once arriving into the castle and leading Elena through several hallways and rooms he finally came to a stop when a lady in her mid 30s came to greet them.

“Mrs. Lennon will bring you to your new quarters. Now I must bide you goodbye for the moment, Ms. Newbury.” Rosster bowed. Elena curtsied in response.

“Thank you Mr. Rosster,” she said to him, offering him yet another charming smile, “I hope our next meeting will be soon.” Rosster smiled a quick smile and then turned to leave.

As he walked through the ways he had just previously went through Rosster mentally battled with himself. Elena Newbury was, without a doubt, one of the most enchanting woman Arthur Rosster had ever met. But this was very bad. For even someone such as him, a man who kept all feelings of love and lust locked away in the back of his mind, he was only human, and whether he hated it or not Elena certainly interested him far more then she should. But thoughts of any romantic kind towards someone like Elena Newbury were both foolish and mindless. When the time came for him and Ms. Newbury’s next meeting to be he had to be steady in keeping all thoughts and emotions in check.

Messing around with someone who came from such a powerful family was not a wise move for someone like Arthur Rosster. If he were not careful this could turn into a deadly situation in no time at all.

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This is kind of the first chapter for a story I'm planning inside my head. Right now though I would really like some ideas on how to expand this first chapter and what needs to be changed and what not.

Hay, it's Aushy! Remember me? :}

Let's just fix up some mistakes I caught while reading through this before we discuss lengthening it. ^^

“Lovely grounds to stroll through when a warm spring day comes round.” Elena commented thoughtfully to Rosster as they passed through the grounds of the kingdom towards the castle.

Here we go. The corrected version would be: "Lovely grounds to stroll through when a warm spring day comes 'round," Elena commented thoughtfully to Rosster....
[check the punctuation around the word 'round'.]

“I do hope that I will be granted the opportunity to see such a sight when the time comes.” She said, giving him a charming smile.

Same problem here...
"... when time time comes," she said, giving him...

Alright. Below is a few questions that I will post to help prompt you for a longer chapter.

1. Where are we? This is Arthur's house, yes?
2. Why is Ms. Newbury here?
3. How did she arrive?
4. You said she went through some halls. What did the halls look like?
5. Was it a summer morning or a winter afternoon?
6. How long will she be staying here?

Those are only a few questions of many I could ask. Don't respond to them here, but set them all aside to working towards the chapter.

This was very good, over all, and I did enjoy it. :}

PM me, post on my wall, or go to my tropical shack (where you're already featured) by clicking 'Reviews' at the bottom of this signature.

Good job, and keep writing!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

*clicks like and submit*

Hello, Smiley! SporkPunk here to review your work.

GoldenQuill got the most of the grammar, I only have a couple things to add.

However, the way Elena presented herself to Rosster left behind a deeper impression on him then Ruth Newbury had.

Here is the wrong word choice. You'll want to use "than" rather than "then" because it is a comparison, not a transition.

Elena Newbury was, without a doubt, one of the most enchanting woman

Here, you want to replace "woman" with "women" because you are referring to multiple women with the phrase "one of the most."

Ms. Newbury's

Since she is an unmarried young woman, and has never been married before (I assume?) you would generally use Miss, rather than Ms.
This isn't truly "grammar," but...

Messing around with someone who came from such a powerful family was not a wise move for someone like Arthur Rosster

For this part, you're writing in a historical context. "Messing around" is a modern colloquialism, so wouldn't be proper for this piece.

Story!

Overall, I like this. I would love to see where this goes. GQ has great ideas to help you, something you might want to explore:

1. Why is his attraction mindless?
2. Is Ruth his betrothed?
3. Is Elena very young (say, 13 or 14?)

Also, exploring the dynamic between the Newbury sisters is something I'm interested in hearing about.


~Sporks :]

I liked this story and I have a few nitpicks...

She wasn’t a rather handsome woman though.

Handsome woman, really?
I think handsome is usually used to describe a man so I might change that.

As he walked through the ways he had just previously went through Rosster mentally battled with himself

I would say as he went through the ways he had behaved around her, Rosster battled with himself.
Keep writing. Fiction

I think you should take a few sentences and describe Mr. Rosster, at least to the extent of height, rough age, and density (fat, thin, buff,).

Plus, how did Elena's family come to know Mr. Rosster? Chance meeting at a party? Longtime acquaintance between parents? I suppose it's not a really necessary bit of information, but I think it's something you should consider sneaking in.

I liked the changes you did, though I'd suggest describing things a bit more- the garden where they're walking in particular, since that's where you first "see" them, you should give your readers a clear picture of the setting right off.

Can't wait to read more!

All the best,

~Mel

Wow, I'm such a dork. I didn't even see your new post. Excuse me as I mentally thwack myself.


The nose on her face was too long and her mouth was too small.

This description reminds me of my husband. He has a large nose, but it just takes a little while to get used to. I think it would be fitting for Elena to be the same way, i.e., because her nose is so long/big/whatever, it can simply make her mouth look small. You can add other features as well, possibly ones that accentuate her nose, if you like.

“Lovely grounds to stroll through when a warm spring day comes round.” Elena commented thoughtfully to Rosster as they passed through the grounds of the kingdom towards the castle.

Her speech sounds a bit peculiar. Either reword, or make this a trait of Elena.

What a smile she had, and for one who had such a tiny mouth it was incredible how much it brightened her whole face.

Hm. It doesn't seem to fit, the description on how it "brightens her face." Perhaps something else- maybe her smile is big, or maybe it's just how animated she is that attracts him.

Once arriving into the castle and leading Elena through several hallways and rooms he finally came to a stop when a lady in her mid 30s came to greet them.

Hm. This seems... a bit odd for this time period. Why would a woman stay with a single man? It simply doesn't seem appropriate. Unless they are related, and even then, there should be others around. Also, instead of saying "a woman in her mid 30's," it should be "a middle aged woman."

For even someone such as him, a man who kept all feelings of love and lust locked away in the back of his mind, he was only human, and whether he hated it or not Elena certainly interested him far more then she should.

Hmmmmmm.......... honestly, I don't like the "locked feelings" idea. Partly because it's been use, and overused, especially, it seems, with people in relatively high stations in life. What I suggest is that you read and study manners at this time period. Find a book on manners from the time period, read journals, etc. People at this time tended to adhere to a stricter moral code, which will help with your idea of "locked feelings," and make them realistic. For example, he could have a mental debate with himself over whether these are "foolish fancies," or genuine, adding his thoughts on why/how he finds her attractive. This will add more depth on why he's reluctant to get involved with her.

That's pretty much what I've got. For plot and expansion, lots of your questions/dilemmas will be answered when you answer the how/where/why questions. It won't give you the climax, necessarily, but it will help with character development.
Feel free to PM me if you need anything. Keep writing! I'm really interested in your work.

*Seraph*