Young Writers Society

This is something I wrote for a short story comp a while back. The first line of the short story had to start with the sentence "I was reading a book when...

I was reading a book when I looked up, the sound of voices pulling me out of the fantastical world I was reading about. There, from the open window, I saw him. He did not see me – too engrossed in the mock sword fight to notice my small figure peering out at him.

What did I care if he saw me? What was I to him? A bet– a prize. Nothing more, nothing less. A pawn in a game of chess, helping him in this dangerous game of power that consumes our world.

His laughter danced into the room, light and cheerful as his sword clashed with the King’s.

I felt the scowl fall from my face. I was a prize he had lost.

My stomach curled. Although I hated him right now, I wished that he had won. Yet it was Charles Brandon who had won the King’s bet. While Henry tried to win my heart, Brandon tried to win my father’s, and it had worked. In two weeks time, Charles Brandon was set to become Viscount Lisle and I a bride of political power.

I glanced back out the window once more, watching as Henry Courtenay knocked his cousin to his feet. Still laughing, he extended a hand out to his cousin and friend, the muscles bulging in his arms. The pair hugged. The King said something to Henry, just a small movement to my human eyes.

Henry’s head turned, and he looked up. His stare penetrated through open window, into my heart, our eyes connecting as he caught me watching them. His brow furrowed, whether in anger I did not know – I refused to know.

I moved away from the window, my heart racing. Was it normal to feel this way? I moved my cool hand against my flustered cheek. I could feel the heat building up, spreading like wildfire over my face that would be redder than the rouge I was expected to wear each day.

Wasn’t this the sole reason that father had kept me away from court, hiding me in Cornwall all these years?

And to think that he lived so close by…

Why was I behaving like this? I flung the book onto the window seat, moving away in frustrated anger. I was not a girl in love – how can it be love? One conversation, one dance does not make you lovers!

Or does it?

Is love so fickle these days that a brush of the fingers, a glance across the room means that you are engaged to be married? Or is there no such thing as love anymore? Has love been destroyed, taken over by political gain, power corrupting the minds of men?

Yet a life without love…

I inched closer to the window, my heart pounding as I stole a glance through the window. It was in vain, as the court had already moved on, back inside the castle perhaps.

One dance changed my life. In one conversation I discovered what it meant to be loved, and to love in return.

Heya austenite

I'm here to review as requested. As usual, I'll start this review off with the nit-picks, if I can find any. After I've finished with that, I'll move on to my overall opinion on this and tell you how I think it could be improved.

His laughter danced into the room, light and cheerful as his sword clashed with the King’s.

I like this metaphor.

My stomach curled. Although I hated him right now, I wished that he had won, yet it was Charles Brandon who had won the King’s bet.

In two weeks time, Charles Brandon was set to become Viscount Lisle, and I, a bride of political power.

I glanced back out of the window once more, watching as Henry Courtenay knocked his cousin to his feet.

His stare penetrated through theopen window, into my heart, our eyes connecting as he caught me watching them. His brow furrowed, whether in anger, I did not know – I refused to know.

And To think that he lived so close by…

I don't really like sentences that begin with 'And'. The main reason for this is because words like 'And' and 'But' are words that connect two parts of a sentence together. You don't necessarily have to change this sentence, I just think that it would look better.

One conversation, one dance did not make you lovers!

Change of tense here?

Or did it?

And here!

Was love so fickle these days that a brush of the fingers, a glance across the room meant that you were engaged to be married? Or was there no such thing as love anymore? Had love been destroyed, taken over by political gain, power corrupting the minds of men?

You changed your tenses throughout here, as well. I think I understand why you did it, but technically, you shouldn't have changed the tense. I have changed it for you though.

I inched closer to the window, my heart pounding as I stole a glance through the window.

I don't really like the repetition of window here. You could simply say 'it' instead of the second time you say window.

In one conversation, I discovered what it meant to be loved, and to love in return.

Overall

I rather liked this! It was short, but definitely sweet. Although not much happened, it was a very nice read and I'm glad that you requested for me to review it. My favourite thing about it, I think, is the way you used a simple situation but made it interesting. It was also rather cliché, but that didn't really bother me. I like the way that you wrote it, therefore, the whole cliché thing didn't bug me. As for your characters, I liked the voice of your MC. She seemed pretty quirky and reading about her didn't bother me. I was slightly confused to who she was exactly; she seemed a tad bit immature, but not overly immature. We didn't really find out much about the other characters so I can't really comment on them. When it comes to your grammar, it was very good. I only found one or two grammar errors in this piece. All of those were comma errors as well, I think. Commas are hard to deal with, trust me! As well as your grammar, your spelling was also very good. I didn't find any misspelled words in this story at all.

My main critique would have to be that I wasn't too sure about what was going on and who was who. Basically, I'm not entirely sure what happened. I understand that your MC was looking out of the window at a guy she likes and thinking about him. That's what I think happened anyway. The one thing that confused me was the fact that you mentioned him using a sword or something? Whether that was supposed to be a metaphor, I'm not too sure. If it wasn't a metaphor, that is partly the reason why I thought the ages of your characters were rather young. Most teenage guys don't play with swords. I don't know many that do, anyway. I'm also kind of confused as of to where the setting actually is. At first, I kind of assumed that your MC was sitting in a classroom, looking out of the window and into the school yard, where the guy she likes was. I'm not entirely sure about that though. When writing a story, it is always a very good idea to let your readers know what the setting is. Otherwise, it's harder for them to imagine the situation because they don't know where to imagine it is. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? Basically, I would like you to make some things a bit more vivid and a bit less vague.

Other than this, I don't really have anything to say. As a whole, this piece was very nice and I'm glad that I read it. I can't say much more because not much happened in this and it was rather short anyway. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what I've said and edit this up a bit. If you do this, you will have a seriously nice piece of writing here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that the MC was a princess, and that those two boys--one she liked, one she didn't--had both been pursuing her, yet the one she liked was winning her favor, while the other, the king's. And the king chose that one. And I assumed she was looking out the window to a palace courtyard.

Thanks for the reviews guys!! Much appreciated. It wasn't supposed to be a tell-all story that turns into something full blown, just something that popped into my head to write for the competition. Reading through it again though, I know there's a few things I can re-clarify to make the piece a bit more interesting and captivating, which I think I may do.

As for the setting, the only two names (and the fact that it's in the historical shorts section) that are mentioned kind of give it away - Henry Courtenay and Charles Brandon. Not saying you have to be history buff to understand, but it's set in the Tudor time of Henry VIII. These two characters are real people Henry Courtenay is my historical love affair.

Hi. I think I've seen you around, but we haven't spoken. I suppose this is a bit late seeing when you posted it, but a review's a review, right? Nitpicks first, and then general impressions.

I was reading a book when I looked up, the sound of voices pulling me out of the fantastical world I was reading about.

This is overly clumsy for an opening line, particularly in the last phrase. I would reword it so that you don't have to end with "I was reading about". I suggest using the indefinite article instead of "the" and ending on "a fantastical world", followed by a clause describing this world, e.g. "built on runaway thoughts and lost memories", or something descriptive that you can come up with which will probably be a hundred times better than that.

Yet it was Charles Brandon who had won the King’s bet.

I don't think this is, again, the best way of wording the sentence. Starting with "yet" is always tricky and I'd avoid it here, as it doesn't fit. Experiment with "instead" as the first word in its place.

In two weeks weeks' time, Charles Brandon was set to become Viscount Lisle and I a bride of political power.

I'm unsure about the way you've described your MC's position here. It gives the impression that she is the one with political power, which is not what you intended. Try to include a passive verb, e.g. to be toyed with, to be puppeted, to be paraded... any word that implies that the bride would have no choice in the matter. If that is too clumsy, which it often is in practice, try rewording the sentence as it is just to tweak the meaning. I agree with the first reviewer about the commas that should be inserted here, although perhaps I'd only suggest the one after "I".

I glanced back out the window once more, watching as Henry Courtenay knocked his cousin to his feet.

You can't really knock someone to their feet. You knock him to the floor, or you pull him to his feet. They're two very different phrases.

His brow furrowed, whether in anger I did not know – I refused to know.

Whether in anger or in what? You need to finish the construction that you've started here.

From here, all the tense shifts Skins pointed out and corrected apply. I'll ignore them, because they've already been pointed out.

I could feel the heat building up, spreading like wildfire over my face that would be redder than the rouge I was expected to wear each day.

I don't understand the use of "would be" here. I would cut the "that", place a comma after face and cut "would be" entirely. Regardless of whether the MC can see her face turning red, she knows it is, so no need for any uncertainty with your tenses.

One dance changed my life. In one conversation I discovered what it meant to be loved, and to love in return.

I'm not fond of the abrupt philosophical turn this seems to take at the end here. I'd expand on this and make it into a meatier story, because it's got some potential.

I had no difficulties adjusting to setting, but then, I'm familiar with the name Henry Courtenay and associate it with Philippa Gregory, so from there it wasn't hard to work out this was set in Tudor times. I would have been a bit richer in description, especially as you seem to have an interest in this time period. Even if you don't, perhaps you could allow your MC to languish in Henry Courtenay's attention for a moment longer before simply continuing. And if you want to write a bit more around this, I'd love for you to write the scene in which they dance. I'd work at the romance here and try and get the character's emotions nailed, because it'll help bring some individuality to them all in the process. I wanted to know a bit more about her relationship with her father, too. It doesn't seem all that great.

Basically, you left me wanting to know more, which is always good. I would correct the grammatical errors here and perhaps expand off this piece, rather than edit, using the same characters - not as a novel, but simply as another short story, this time with a plot. The tale of how Courtenay and Brandon vie for the MC's love could be really exciting if you write it well enough. I think you're very capable of doing so. That's just a suggestion though!

- Jet.

Thanks very much Jet!!! (And hi, by the way ) First question is first - which Phillipa Gregory book is Courtenay in???? I've been trying to find something with him in for ages, but I never thought to look in Phillipa Gregory! I've only read the Queen's Fool one...

Thanks for all the feedback, it is greatly appreciated. I've often felt that this piece could be greater, but sometimes you just need another person's reassurance, and I think you've done that for me. I'll keep you posted if anything happens with it!

Hi, austenite! I'm Harper, and I will be reviewing this today.

Firstly, I was really impressed by the story. It was very simple, and the language was perfect for the time setting. The narrator's observations were nicely worded, and of course I was hooked when you introduced the nameless "he".

Just a few things:

austenite wrote:
I was reading a book when I looked up, the sound of voices pulling me out of the fantastical world I was reading about. (Allow me to rewrite this?)
I was reading a book when the sound of raucous voices pulled me out of the fantastical world I had discovered between the pages. I looked up. There, from the open window, I saw him. He did not see me – he wastoo engrossed in the mock sword fight to notice my small figure peering out at him.

What did I care if he saw me? What was I to him? A bet– a prize. Nothing more, nothing less. A pawn in a game of chess, helping him in this dangerous game of power that consumes our world.

His laughter danced into the room, light and cheerful as his sword clashed with the King’s.

I felt the scowl fall from my face. I was a prize he had lost.

My stomach curled. Although at that moment I hated him right now, I wished that he had won. Yet it was Charles Brandon who had won the King’s bet. While Henry tried to win my heart, Brandon tried to win my father’s, and it had worked. In two weeks time, Charles Brandon was set to become Viscount Lisle and I a bride of political power.

I glanced back out the window once more, watching as Henry Courtenay knocked his cousin to his feet. (Perhaps it should be ". . . knocked his royal cousin off his feet.") Still laughing, he extended a hand out to his cousin and friend, the muscles bulging in his arms. The pair hugged. The King said something to Henry, just a small movement to my human eyes.

Henry’s head turned, and he looked up. His stare penetrated through open window, into my heart, our eyes connecting as he caught me watching them. His brow furrowed, whether in anger or confusion I did not know – I refused to know. (When you used the word "whether" it meant you were going to put in more than one option to the problem. I added "confusion" because it seemed likely that Henry would be confused, about his feelings or the narrator's engagement.)

I moved away from the window, my heart racing. Was it normal to feel this way? I moved pressed my cool hand against my flustered cheek. I could feel the heat building up, spreading like wildfire over my face, that would be which was probably redder than the rouge I was expected to wear each day.

Wasn’t this the sole reason that Father had kept me away from court, hiding me in Cornwall all these years?

And to think that he lived so close by…

Why was I behaving like this? I flung the book onto the window seat, moving away in frustrated anger. I was not a girl in love – how can could it be love? One conversation, one dance does not make you change two acquaintances into lovers! (Just a little suggestion. )

Or does it?

Is love so fickle these days that a brush of the fingers, a glance across the room means that you are engaged to be married? Or is there no such thing as love anymore? Has love been destroyed, taken over by political gain, power corrupting the minds of men? (I'm sure someone's already told you about changing the tense back to past tense in this paragraph.)

Yet a life without love…

I inched closer to the window, my heart pounding as I stole a glance through the window. It was in vain, as the court had already moved on, back inside the castle perhaps.

One dance changed my life. In one conversation I discovered what it meant to be loved, and to love in return.

I hope this turns into more than just a short story. Can't wait to read more. I hope this review was helpful somehow.

~Harper

Thanks very much Harper!!! I may turn it into something more, I'm not 100% sure. Mainly because of historical accuracy, which I would need to have for my piece of mind, and I think a few things don't add up right. But artistic licence....lol!

Hi! I really enjoyed the piece. I like your writing style... well I like it . About the title I would've say it "The Dance That Changed My Life" as you said, but that's not really original... is it? But if I come up with something better I'll PM and you tell me if you like it, okay? Keep writing!