Young Writers Society

Missing Mr. And Mrs. Fargo Mr. And Mrs. Fargo got married about three months ago. They where looking for a house .then they found one. So they moved in and one day they noticed that there neighbor was always starring at them when they went by his house. So they went to bed that night and the next morning they where gone. So the other neighbors went to get Sherlock Sammy. He got there and the police filled him in on what happened. That is when he started looking for clues. First he went to look for the horse that the cop said they had. He went to the back yard and found it lying dead on the ground with a knife in its side. He also noticed that it had wired righting all around it. So he took a picture of it and continued searching for clues. Then he saw a ladder leading up to Mr. And Mrs. Fargo’s room. And the window was broken. And foot prints that went into there room. He went into there room and found a note on there bed and it said “I have taken them and will not return them to you.” then Sherlock Sammy heard a gun shot and he ran out side and saw his partner dead on the ground. He looked around and then saw the culprit running away. He started running after him but the culprit hopped into a buggy and drove off. That’s when Sherlock Sammy stopped to get his breath and he started back to the seen of the crime. He stopped by his partner and made sure he was dead. That’s when he decided to call it a day and went back to his house. He looked at the note the culprit left and he noticed the culprit left a finger print on the note. So he studied the note long and hard and found out that the guy left more than one finger print and that he had two partners. So he hopped into a buggy and went to figure out who did the crime.

P.S. please help me with the title

I understand the first sentence, but it's a bit confusing, see if you can fix that.

They where looking for a house .then they found one

Wrong place for a period, fix that. The sentence is also kind of bland. maybe " The cople had been searching for a suitable house to live in, until, finally, they found one.

there neighbor was always starring

THEIR neighbor was always staring.

had wired righting

had weird writing

Then he saw a ladder leading up to Mr. And Mrs. Fargo’s room. And the window was broken. And foot prints that went into there room

TWO ands in a row!! NO!!! I will not stand for this! I give up on you!

Hi, Sweeney! Welcome to YWS!

First, I want to say something about the formatting of this piece. Right now, it's hard to read since it's all one big chunk of text. It should probably be divided into paragraphs to make things easier on the eyes. You need one for each new idea and each time a new person speaks.

As for the story, it is quite bland. This is due to the structure of the piece; it's tell, tell, tell, with no showing. While telling is good for moving the story along and not letting get things bogged down, too much of it, and the reader gets bored. Right now it's all "he did this, she did that, he went here". I don't really get the opportunity to connect with any of the characters or really feel the setting. For instance, what does the Fargo's new house look like? Is it big, small, in good condition, bad? Who exactly is Sherlock Sammy? What is his reaction to seeing the dead bodies? Show us some of the conversations through dialogue instead of just telling that they took place. For more information on showing and telling, click here to read a really good article.

Do this, and you will have a much better story on your hands. You'll have more opportunity to develop the characters and their personalities, give us the setting and thus add to the suspense and tension of it all.

I'd love to see an edit. PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor x

Hello! First and foremost, the format that your piece was written in is vey hard to read. Everything is so bunched up and close together that is gets confusing and irritating when you are trying to read it. Long, dense paragraphs make the reader not want to read. So it is best to indent when new ideas or events arise and when a person is speaking.
For the story, there was not much there. I mean, the plot was nice and could be intruiging but as for the presentation of it, it was boring. You are not showing us, you are telling us. Add some imagery, detail, descriptions. What do Mr. and Mrs. Fargo look like? How long have they been married for? Where do they live? What time period is this set in? What does the investigator look like? Why do they think that the neighbor always watches them? Things like that draw the reader in and add emotion. It allows the reader to get a sense of the imagery and characters. Dialogue helps make a story as well.
In all, this has potential. I like where this could go. I would love to see a re-write. I hope I helped. Good job. PM if you have any questions.
~Ballerina