Young Writers Society

“Listen Daniel as long as I am not around, Araina will be safe.”
“Acayla what are you saying?”
“Araina looks nothing like me. So if I’m not around then no one would suspect that I was her mother.”
“Acayla, you’re being irrational”
“No, I’m trying to save our daughter. So forgive me if I am trying to do whatever I can to save her.”
She hands him the baby.
“Sweetheart, you can’t just leave me and the baby. Even if it’s for the safety of our child”
“What else am I supposed to do? Valspar has posters up not just for me, but for Araina as well.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Because he wants to get to me, don’t you understand?”
“Where are you going to go?”
“I do not know, but it has to be a place where no one would think of looking for me”
“What about a cottage in the forest?”
“Daniel, I cannot go back there.”
“Why not”
“I told you, I cannot go back to the place where not only where my father is buried, but where Valspar found me hiding. And beside Valspar burnt it down”
“I was not talking about that cottage”
“What do you mean?”
He gave the girl back to Acayla; she took the child and laid her down in her basket.
“Acayla, listen for a moment”
“Alright, I’m listening”
“What if we built another cottage out where no one would ever be able to find us?”
“For the safety of our daughter, I would do anything. But Daniel I could not do that to you. Everything is here, your job, your family, your friends.”
“Acayla, you and Araina are my one and only priority. If there is something that I can do to protect my family then I will do what it takes to do it? I love you too much to let anything to happen to you.”
“I know you do”
“Remember when I was gone for a week?”
“Yes”
“I went to the old place, and took everything I could, that would be of use to me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I found a patch of land that I have chosen to be our new home.”
“What?”
“Acayla, I need to keep you and Araina safe, and if this is the only way that we can stay together, then so be it”
She started to cry, Daniel pulled her to him. He wrapped his arms around her. He rubbed her head. She said to him
“Thank you.”
She looked at his face.
“I love you so much”
He held her face in his hands. He looked in her eyes and wiped away her tears. He kissed her. The baby started crying. Acayla pulled away
“Sweetheart, the baby”
“Right”
She picked Araina up and walked her to the back room. She held her up to her breast and Araina began to drink. He walked back to where they were. She looked at him
“What?”
“Nothing, you’re just so beautiful.”
Once Araina had, had her fill, Acayla stood
“Here can you hold her for a moment. I have to gather the laundry.”
He nodded his head, and she gave him the baby. She walked to the back. She yelled back to him
“Daniel, Daniel!”
He put down the baby and he ran out to her
“What, what is it?”
“Valspar, he hear! How did he find me?”
“Acayla, hide. Now”
She ran back into the house, she started to grab the baby
“No, leave the girl. If they find the basket empty than they will ask where she is”
She put the baby back in the basket
“Your right, but where will I hide?”
“Hide inside the bench, they will never look there.”
“Ok”
So that’s where she hid. Valspar knocked on the door. When Daniel opened the door, Valspar started asking questions.
“Where are the girl, and her mother? I am told she lives here”
“Indeed I have a child, but my wife died in child birth.”
“Where’s the child?”
“In the basket”
He went over to the crib and checks it.
“Yes, this is the child, but where is the woman?”
“What woman? No woman has ever been with my daughter.”
“Well this is the child that I saw. What’s her name?”
“Her name is... Safara, after her mother”
Valspar pulled out a reward poster from his belt. He asked him
“Have you seen this woman?”
“No I haven’t, but if I had would I not come to you.”
“Good, if you see her than let me know.”
“I will Count. Valspar, thank you”
He walked out the door, but Daniel watch from the door to make sure that he was gone. When he was he told Acayla that she could come out.
“Is he gone?”
Acayla asked
“Yes, he’s gone”
She came out
“Good.”
Daniel handed the child back to her
“Now do you see why I cannot stay?”
“Yes, we must leave. Tonight”
“What about the baby?”
“She can stay with Nathanial’s granddaughter”
“His granddaughter, She already has five children. I cannot burden her by giving her another mouth to feed.”
“We don’t have any other choice, if we stay here, Valspar will find you and Araina, and kill you.”
Acayla let out a big sigh and hugged her baby.
“Your right”

Alright, so, I could see that this is a snippet. But you have no description or detail, and that sightly bothers me.
I have about zero idea whats going on in the scene, and I don't know anything about the characters, about what they are thinking about what they are feeling. Add that description and detail!

~WickedWonder

Hey! I'll review this

As Wicked said above, its just a snippet, but its purely dialogue and does not give us any sense of the story. I really would like to read more, why don't you post chapters instead?

Hi I'm Shadow, and I had the pleasure of reading your story.
I liked how you dived right in to the action, not flopping around like a dead fish trying to get the story started.
that being said there was no description, no matter the piece it needs description. dialog along cannot hold up a story.

Think of a story like a really fancy wedding cake, (yes funny I know.) The dialog is all the frosting and the description the cake. Now the frosting makes a cake look good but the cake, that's what gives the frosting it's shape and ultimately decides if the cake as a whole is good or not. frosting as well as dialog is lovely but after a while it looses it's flavor/meaning and makes us sick. The description gives us stomach to handle the dialog.

I can see at least by this piece you are a dialog writer, don't worry I am as well and I'm still working on it. It's a problem most writers have.
I suggest you practice writing as much description as you can and slowly build it up into your stories. You can have long spells of dialog (it spices things up) but then add some descriptions, that's what I do.

as a whole this piece is an intriguing snippet. I wanted to know more. who she was and why was that man hunting her.
Keep it up!

~Shadow~

Its a good start, but it needs so much more description.

"Listen Daniel as long as I am not around, Araina will be safe.”

“Acayla, what are you saying?”

“Araina looks nothing like me. So if I’m not around then no one would suspect that I was her mother.”

“Acayla, you’re being irrational”

“No, I’m trying to save our daughter. So forgive me if I am trying to do whatever I can to save her.”

She hands him the baby. Now you either need to stick with first person or you need to change everything to third. Get what I mean?

“Sweetheart, you can’t just leave me and the baby. Even if it’s for the safety of our childthere should be a fullstop here”

“What else am I supposed to do? Valspar has posters up not just for me, but for Araina as well.” How does she say this? who is Valspar?

“Why would he do that?”

“Because he wants to get to me, don’t you understand?” Maybe you could put 'you understand don't you?' and describe how she is says this.

“Where are you going to go?”

“I do not know, but it has to be a place where no one would think of looking for me”

“What about a cottage in the forest?” What forest? Where is it? What side of the city/village/town is it on?

“Daniel, I cannot go back there.” Maybe add more panic into it so maybe it could be, "Daniel, I can't go back there!"

“Why not” Put a question at the end of it.

“I told you, I cannot go back to the place where not only where my father is buried, but where Valspar found me hiding. And beside Valspar burnt it down” Full stop. Add more panic.

“I was not talking about that cottage” Fullstop.

“What do you mean?”

He gave the girl back to Acayla; she took the child and laid her down in her basket.

“Acayla, listen for a moment” Fullstop.

“Alright, I’m listening” Fullstop.

“What if we built another cottage out where no one would ever be able to find us?”

“For the safety of our daughter, I would do anything. But Daniel I could not do that to you. Everything is here, your job, your family, your friends.”

“Acayla, you and Araina are my one and only priority. If there is something that I can do to protect my family then I will do what it takes to do it? I love you too much to let anything to happen to you.”

“I know you do” Fullstop.

“Remember when I was gone for a week?”

“Yes” Fullstop.[b]

“I went to the old place, and took everything I could, that would be of use to me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I found a patch of land that I have chosen to be our new home.”

“What?”

“Acayla, I need to keep you and Araina safe, and if this is the only way that we can stay together, then so be it”

She started to cry, Daniel pulled her to him. He wrapped his arms around her. He rubbed her head. She said to him [b]Why does she start crying. And the thank you should be part of this sentance.

“Thank you.”

She looked at his face.

“I love you so much” Fullstop and who is saying this?

He held her face in his hands. He looked in her eyes and wiped away her tears. He kissed her. The baby started crying. Acayla pulled away fullstop

“Sweetheart, the baby” We already know this. Maybe she should say something else.

“Right”

She picked Araina up and walked her to the back room. She held her up to her breast and Araina began to drink. He walked back to where they were. She looked at him fullstop or make the what part of this sentence.

“What?”

“Nothing, you’re just so beautiful.”

Once Araina had, had her fill, Acayla stood stood doing what and why? And fullstop.

“Here can you hold her for a moment. I have to gather the laundry.”

He nodded his head, and she gave him the baby. She walked to the back. She yelled back to him Add the dilouge as part of this line.

“Daniel, Daniel!”

He put down the baby and he ran out to her Dialouge is either part of this sentence or there's a fullstop.

“What, what is it?” He possibly doesn't need to say this he just needs to see what she as seen.

“Valspar, he hear! How did he find me?” 2 things about this, one it should be "he's here" and two is this really nessacery? Would someone in real life react in this was or would they burst out into panic?

“Acayla, hide. Now” I don't think he needs to say this I think it would be a instinct to do this.

She ran back into the house, she started to grab the baby

“No, leave the girl. If they find the basket empty than they will ask where she is” 2 things. There should be a fullstop. And maybe it could be, "No, if they find the basket empty, then they'll ask where she is."

She put the baby back in the basket What needs to be here?

“Your right, but where will I hide?” Maybe, "Right, where do I hide?"

“Hide inside the bench, they will never look there.”

“Ok” This isn't needed I don't think.

So that’s where she hid. Valspar knocked on the door. When Daniel opened the door, Valspar started asking questions.

“Where are the girl, and her mother? I am told she lives here” Maybe it could be, "Where's the girl and her mother? I'm told they are located here?"

“Indeed I have a child, but my wife died in child birth.” Possibly. "Indeed I have a child, but my wife-"

“Where’s the child?” He could possibly interrupt.

“In the basket” Fullstop.

He went over to the crib and checks it.

“Yes, this is the child, but where is the woman?”

“What woman? No woman has ever been with my daughter.”

“Well this is the child that I saw. What’s her name?”

“Her name is... Safara, after her mother”

Valspar pulled out a reward poster from his belt. He asked himComma and dialouge should be part of the sentance.

“Have you seen this woman?”

“No I haven’t, but if I had would I not come to you.”

“Good, if you see her than let me know.”

“I will Count. Valspar, thank you”

He walked out the door, but Daniel watchwatched from the door to make sure that he was gone. When he was he told Acayla that she could come out.

“Is he gone?” "Acayla asked" should be part of the sentence with a fullstop.

Acayla asked

“Yes, he’s gone” Fullstop.

She came out Fullstop. Describe how she gets out eg. she could fall out onto the floor in a heap.

“Good.” This I feel is not needed.

Daniel handed the child back to her

“Now do you see why I cannot stay?”

“Yes, we must leave. Tonight” Fullstop.

“What about the baby?”

“She can stay with Nathanial’s granddaughter” Fullstop. And who is Nathanial? And his granddaughter?

“His granddaughterPossible a question mark to show surprise., She already has five children. I cannot burden her by giving her another mouth to feed.”

“We don’t have any other choice, if we stay here, Valspar will find you and Araina, and kill you.”

Acayla let out a big sigh and hugged her baby.

“Your right”fullstop.