Young Writers Society

Here is a short Civil War story I wrote, in diary entries. I really hope you enjoy, please comment. And, I don't know what's up with the spacing

September 11
1862
Diary-
We have left the camp, finally. It was a dismal, muddy place. We are all glad to be rid. Some of the men say that we are coming up on the Rebels, this excites everyone. It feels sometimes like we are never going to see their grey backs again.
Sorry my entries will be so short. It is just marching as of now. Endless marching.
As always,
Jacob A. Fields
Private


September 12
1862
Diary-
We march. I quickly realize how I detest this. It is just one foot in front of the other, constantly. Nothing else much happens. The band plays a lively march. I feel energized in the morning; the air is so fresh here. One day, after all this is over, perhaps I shall live in here in the Shenandoah.
To the last step,
Jacob A. Fields
Private


September 13
1862
Diary-
Blue Ridges in view. Oh, the sight! I wish I could bring everyone back from home here. Rocky, and the leaves are starting to turn to gold. I shall definitely think of making a home in this gorgeous place.
Across the Mountains and forever,
Jacob A. Fields
Private


September 14
1862
Diary-
The mountains are beautiful as always, especially at sunset and sunrise, when the golden light makes the hills glow. We are all in awe. There is more word of us gaining on old Lee. These thoughts make it difficult for me to keep up my mood.
For the Union,
Jacob A. Fields
Private


September 15
1862
Diary-
There are many towns in this area, Middleburg and such. The town of Harpers Ferry lies near, where the armory is. They say that Lee is bound to attack it soon, and I think it would be wise of him to do so, unfortunately. I read newspapers and I am in awe of their numbers.
A fight is imminent, this is fact. We are grouping together. I hope it does not come soon. I write my letters to Mother and family with shaking hand sometimes. I miss them so, it is like a hole in my chest that will never heal. I wish they could come and see this glory, these lands.
For my dear family,
Jacob A. Fields
Private


September 16
1862
Diary-
We march upon a valley like no other. Cornfields and prairies are abundant. There is a gorgeous creek where I sit and dip my feet. The waters are deep and cool. There is a town nearby, farmhouses dot the hills. The waters are golden from the sunset.
We are with some other brigades now. A battle is on the horizon. We are all a bit restless. I write more letters, but they make me anxious. I don’t know if I am ready. It is in God’s hands now, and we pray he chooses well. I have little to say except that. Everything feels to be surreal, the trees and the waters. It is such a beautiful ground to fight on. The sun is setting now; I am running out of light. The mountains in the distance sit as if they are great powers here to witness the fight.
Night falls soon. I wish well for my family and my comrades, may we live to the next day, the next fight, and the end of this War. I dearly hope we fare well.
To God, glory, America forever,
Jacob A. Fields.
PS: The creek I sit by goes by the name Antietam Creek. It is beautiful.


The day that followed was the single bloodiest day in American history, the battle of Antietam. 23, 000 are dead, wounded or missing by the end of the battle. Jacob A. Fields does not survive the day; he goes down as a hero. His comrades bury him and his things on the banks of Antietam Creek. His diary and letters are sent off to his family.
September 17
1862
Rest in Peace

I don't normally like, let alone read, historical fiction, but it's always good to broaden your horizons so I figured I'd click on your story.

One correction in the first entry, when it says "We are all glad to be rid", I'm pretty sure you meant to follow that up with "of it". Apart from that, I have to say that I like the style that you did it in. It drew me despite the entries being so short, and maybe that was a part of it as well because small snippets of information makes me want to get even more. My favorite line was "It is just marching as of now. Endless marching." The ending was perfect for the story in my opinion. It gave closure and makes my heartache because Jacob seemed so innocent, despite what I know was going on around him.


P.S.- Yay for historical references and accuracy!

Hi there! Lavvi in to review.

So, to start off, I read little historical fiction. I won't be able to correct any historical facts gone wrong, but I doubt that there are any errors in that area. So, without further ado, I'll continue with nitpicks.

First off, this is a "diary". I've found, when I read stories that are written like this that the authors don't really write it as a diary. Personally, I think you've done well, but there are a few things that you should consider.

Sorry my entries will be so short. It is just marching as of now. Endless marching.

I found these sentences/phrases redundant. You might as well just turn these "diary entries" into "letters home". Who is Jacob apologizing to? A diary is not a person. Perhaps you can merely take out the "sorry etc." fragmented sentence. It's not needed.

Another thing that's equally as redundant: You need not have Jacob sign off with his full name. When someone journals, I strongly doubt they write it all.

And lastly, in the italics, take care to have it all in one tense. For the most part, it's present tense, but I suggest you switch it to the past tense. This is historical fic, after all.

Overall

Being such a short story, there was little to review. Your grammar seemed to be flawless, but then I may have missed something. I've read many things like this, and therefore it proved to be nothing special (to me, at least). If you had perhaps gone more into detail with Jacob's entries, perhaps described the landscapes he witnessed a little more, it could be more meaningful. However, I do understand the brevity in which Jacob writes his entries-- he is a busy soldier with little time to spend writing.

All in all, I think it could be better, but it wasn't terrible. A good start.

Lavvi

Hey there,

Okay i don't normally go for the diary entry type stories; just for the simple fact that i like having that development throughout a story. I did however like the way that you made it seem kind of real e.g. stating that the marching was boring, because i'm sure it truly would be.

I didn't however like the shortness of your entries. I realize you had to make it short as they were in a war, but a bit more substance would have been nice.

Overall i thought it was okay, keep it up.

Here I am as you have requested to review!

I liked your story. The Civil War is a great topic, you seem good at it. ( my topic is Early American History) with your story, you honor the men who went down on te dark night. Thank you.
Keep on writing!
-Ruth

Certainly a very realistic and sodden view of the war that tore our country into two. It is emotional, short, and concise. I, personally would have prefered more action, but because of the style this story is written, it is almost impossible to succesfully do that. This shows a wonderful view into the reality of the civil war for the length that it is. If it were to be longer, I would suggest more plot development. Over all, an interesting short story and I would keep up the good work!

It's good, but sad. But very good. Keep up the good work. I have said this on other stories that I have looked at:
When you are editing think about the mistakes that you are looking for (e.g. Grammar, Spelling, etc) and also ask yourself if there is anything you need to add in or take out- maybe because it is relevant/irrelevant to the story.

But good work!

I'd just like to point out something. Even the most person doesn't normally write in their diary every day; maybe spacing out the days a little will make this more believable.