Young Writers Society

We walked in to the school with our fingers twined together. this was the first time i had gone into school with a girlfriend. We walked into the admissions office to get our schedules and we saw a familiar face.
"Nico?"
" Oh! Hey Percy! What are you doing here?"
" I go here.... what are you doing here..?"
" well after all the chaos my dad decided that i should go to school instead of hanging around i the underworld all year." I was surprised. I looked over to Annabeth and to my surprise she was smiling smugly.....
" What?"
" I just think its kind of ........ cute that you get so annoyed over such a little thing." I thought about that and realized i was being dumb. So i just turned around and started toward my first period class ..... what was it again?.... oh yeah Science........

******************************
"today has been so weird so far!?!"
" and why is that?"
" well nothing has tried to eat or kill me yet.... i think that deserves a celebration!" All three of us started laughing but, it didn't feel right without Grover here. i hope is okay!?!





this is my first story critiques are welcome

Hey there! I'm your reviewer for this fine afternoon!

We walked in to the school with our fingers twined together. this was the first time i had gone into school with a girlfriend.

Good start. The first sentence, and following paragraph, are always the hardest. You've got the reader wondering: who? Why? You need to capitalise the "t" in "this" on the second sentence. Perhaps after that you could explain why. Did he usually have no luck with girls? Or did he always arrive separate to them?

"Nico?"
" Oh! Hey Percy! What are you doing here?"

Not quite sure who is talking here. Aside from we know it's Nico and Percy talking, but we're unsure which one is the main character. Also, is it me or is there a space between the speech mark and the speech?

" well after all the chaos my dad decided that i should go to school instead of hanging around i the underworld all year." I was surprised. I looked over to Annabeth and to my surprise she was smiling smugly.....

Capital "w" on "well" and the "i" needs to be capitalised too. Plus, after "hanging around" you have another "i" in there for some reason. Oh, and try using another word rather than going with "surprise" again. Shocked? Also, how many dots needed at the end? Just go with three, even though I'm not sure that you really need them.

" What?"
" I just think its kind of ........ cute that you get so annoyed over such a little thing." I thought about that and realized i was being dumb. So i just turned around and started toward my first period class ..... what was it again?.... oh yeah Science........

You don't need the space between the opening speech mark and the actual speech. You got it right on the Nico one. Plus, too many dots. Stick with three Was he annoyed? What...? "I" instead of "i" Okay! Scrap the endless line of dots! They're not needed here. Plus this is all kinda confusing. So he's left both of them, for what reason? What is he annoyed about??

"today has been so weird so far!?!"
" and why is that?"
" well nothing has tried to eat or kill me yet.... i think that deserves a celebration!" All three of us started laughing but, it didn't feel right without Grover here. i hope is okay!?!

Capital "t" on the "today" and no space between the speech mark and he speech on the next two lines. Capital "a" on the "and" and capital "w" n "well" also the "!?!" is... let's just say chose either a question mark or an exclamation mark. The comma comes before the "but" after "laughing"
Who is Grover???
Turn the "here" into "there" and Capital "i" needed. Do you mean: I hope he is okay! Or is it she...? o_O

Overall: I'm kinda confused. Have I missed some that comes before this? If not, I think you need to explain about: 1) the underworld - huh? 2) Which one is which? Is Nico or Percy the main character? 3) Who is Grover? And what is he/she doing? 4) Why would someone/something want to eat the main character? 5) What is he annoyed about?
You need more description!! What do the characters look like? What are their personalities like? Try to include some more of the main character's thoughts and feelings. Describe the scenery, hell, even the weather if you get desperate!
But this was great to read. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Please do PM me if you continue with this.

~EmmaJane~

Oh man. Just saw it was a fanfic so OBVIOUSLY something came before... I'm feeling so smart right now...



~EmmaJane~

I see some errors, but I am going to go from book point of view. Nico isn't talkative. He is dark and mean. Percy and Annabeth wouldn't be holding hands I don't think, but thats all I got.