Young Writers Society

*grins* How wonderful! You've captured the tone and atmosphere of Redwall very well. Almost a little too well. It's very much Brian Jacques's style of writing and I can imagine it coming from any of the real Redwall books--but I'd also like to see a bit more of your own voice. Also, as others have said, it wouldn't hurt to throw in some action and dialog, something to tug us along into the story. I enjoyed Deidan's descriptions of the season and feast, but maybe he could also narrate something interesting that happened during the day? The first inklings of a conflict that you'll expand later on? Just an idea!

Also, I generally dislike making "for your age" remarks, but I am very impressed that you've written this at just 11. Good work.

'Kay Climber, sorry for the extremely slow review. I'll be a lot faster next time! To make up for it, this review is going to be extremely long & hopefully helpful! So, nitpicks first.

From the diary of Deidan, historian and recorder of Redwall Abbey.

I would italicize this since technically it isn't part of the story.

All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear the Dibbuns "helping" in the orchard.

I would delete the first sentence. You're showing us the peace very well by setting the scene. The first sentence just makes it all telling.

It is the end of The Summer of the Copper Rose. We never did have such beautiful roses as this summer!

Delete the second sentence. If you name it The Summer of the Copper Rose, then it's quite obvious that there are beautiful roses?

All these delicious drinks brewed by the Stickleback family are to be used at this coming feast.

For some reason, I don't like the phrasing this coming feast. Did you mean this upcoming feast?

My mind is overrun with thoughts about it. It is our good Abbess Latter Rose’s tenth jubilee.

The first sentence doesn't fit in the diction used in the other sentences. It doesn't seem like something that an Abbeydweller would say. But, that might just be me...

They will soon traverse Mossflower and invite all the woodlanders to come to our feast when they are done.

Again, "traverse Mossflower" doesn't sound like a Redwaller to me. I commend you for using big words, but they just don't seem to fit here.

Deidan, (Recorder of Redwall Abbey.)

I would italicize this...just like I would italicize the first sentence.
Alright, I'm done with the nitpicks! Concept-ish stuff time!
~The good thing is that most of the story sounded like something written by Brian Jacques. Yet, you managed to add your own personal flair to it. Great job on that.
~You seemed to want to use better vocabulary and you used it correctly. Yet, it didn't really fit in the context of the story. I would sacrifice the vocabulary for the characteristics that you want to show in Redwallers (simple, generous etc.)
~You kept this at a good pace and kept the reader interested. So, good job with that.
~I would like you to elaborate a little more on the Abbey. I know it's just the prologue and stuff, but maybe you could describe it a little more. For instance, you talk about Dibbuns, but if the reader didn't read Redwall, they would have no idea what's going on. So, elaborate!
~And last, I would describe the weather a bit more. It seems like one of the most important concurring theme in Redwall are the seasons. Although you mention what season it is, elaborate on the beauty of nature a bit more.
Other than that great job on this! I really can't wait for the next part!
fluteluvr77<3

I think this is great! I was thinking of writing a Redwall story myself, but it looks like you could do it about three times better! I am a fan of Redwall books as well, and like others have said, it sounds like it came right out a Redwall book.

If it looks like I'm... copying, that's because i thought a fan-fic was where we wrote using the authors style to create another one. Sorry about that. Forgive?

I will try to fix what you pointed out, fluteluvr. Welcome to YWS, ANate145!

Oh, Climber, it doesn't sound like you're copying! I didn't mean it that way...It just sounds like a professional writer wrote it and all that! It was supposed to be a compliment xD.

Yes, I said that as a compliment. Please don't take it the wrong way! I really liked it. I liked it very very very very very very very very much. Also, If you have any ideas for anaother Redwall fanfic, please PM me.

I liked it, very descriptive, and well written.

There wasn't really that much content and I'm wondering if that is the whole of chapter one, or just the introduction? Anyway it is nice and sets the scene well. I don't really know much about Redwall feasts etc. but from what I have read it has the right aspects.

You should continue. I can't wait to see how the story unravels itself

In reply to one of your replies, sorry about your grandpa. My regards.
In reply to your story, good job! I hope you didn't write this piece to dwell forever in forums all alone! If you did, I would have to berate you, because that would make it a pointless tale. It would sound like you are only writing to list the main things Redwall characters have at their wonderful feasts; like some sort of list, but in a more decorative manner. You probably said you were planning to write a sequel in one of your many replies to posts (forgive me for not reading all of them) however, so if that is so, disregard my last remark.
You are exceptional at grammer for being only eleven! I read lots of stories, and most of them are riddled with countless grammatical errors and such, but I could hardly find any in yours! Don't get me wrong, they're there, just not blatantly obvious, like some people's...
From your writing style and accurate descriptions, I would say you're a great Redwall fan. So am I. I love the stuff. Of course you've heard it before, but your writing style is similar to Brian Jacques. That's not a bad thing, though! Not to brag or anything, but I've been told my writing is similar to J.R.R Tolkien, which is awesome, because I love fantasy.
Holy flying cows look at that. I've accidentally given you a big review (by my standards, anyway)! Sorry about that. Bye, and keep up the good work!