Young Writers Society

love hina encore


chapter 1:
scene 1: hinata apartments
shinobu is asleep in her bed

kaolla opens the door
kaolla : shinobu what are you doing , you shouldn't sleep during the day

shinobu slowly opens her eyes and sits up

shinobu : what time is it ?
kaolla : its all most noon
shinobu : is it that late... why did you guys let me sleep in this long?
motoko : you want to be fully rested for the festival tonight don't you?
shinobu : festival? what festival?
kaolla : the star festival silly, you got to be fully rested in case you meet a nice boy
shinobu : don't joke about a thing like that, it's not funny (blush)

keitaro shouts from down stairs
keitaro : shnobu could you come here please

shinobu : OK ill be down in a minute
kaolla : perhaps you'll find someone a cute as ketaro
shinobu blushed a deep red
shinobu : GET OUT!
shinobu throws her pillow at kahola

door closes

down in the main lobby

shinobu : what is it ketaro?
keitaro : me and naru were going out ,we were wondering if there was anything you needed picked up
shinobu : no there nothing i need , you two go and enjoy your time out
naru : OK shinobu , see you later

as naru and ketaro were walking out the door all shinobu could look at was the ring on naru's finger

kitsune :20 years old and shes already engaged
shinobu : hes only 2 years older then her so it's not that bad
kitsune : shinobu, i know you liked him but he to old for you
Motoko: 7 years in the difference IS a little much
kitsune : you fell in love with him as well so don't act like you never
shinobu: maby you should have confessed your love, only being one year younger then him , you two would have made a nice couple
Motoko : can we please stop fighting your giving me a headache




ok so it got me thinking why not make it better ... so i tryed...

mostly paragraph 2 is the one change...completly

may i present love hina 1.2 ... it's a work in progress. but it's started

if you see any probloms let me know and i will try to fix them again

im working on it ...just give me time...

I'm guessing this is fanfiction, right?

First thing I would say is that it'd be a lot easier to read if you had used a spellcheck or something first. It also gets a little confusing for people who don't know the anime. I've seen some episodes before, but not for a while, so I might try and watch one before I come back to this, just to refresh my memory so I know who each character is.

I'll be back...

Kay

I won't repeat Kay--she's said what's best said, you know. ^_^


Same about the scripts/fanfiction. Moved

Yeh, some of the spelling is a bit off, and it would help a bit if you capitalised the first letter of each sentence. Also, is you have to explain to the reader what the storyline is at the end of the piece, the writing needs more detail to show the reader how old the characters are and how they are related to each other, rather than adding a 'P.S' on the end.

Hope it helps!

RR*

yes i know i have no style. deal with it
yes i know i cant spell. deal with it
dont worry by the way things look now im not continuing this searies
unless people give alot of want for the next one i have thought up there will be no more

Er... sorry to inform you of this, but this a writing site. If you expect us to take the time to look at your work, then you better well have put in the effort to make it presentable. That means simple grammar and mechanics should be present.

We simply don't "deal with it".

as i sead before i know its bad but so is complaining about what another person dose if it dosent affect you , if you dont like it dont read it
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you sound like my 7th grade english teacher

kaolin wrote:as i sead before i know its bad but so is complaining about what another person dose if it dosent affect you , if you dont like it dont read it

Oy, slow down, Kaolin. ^_^ No one is attacking you personally.


YWS is a site dedicated it helping young people improve their writing. Someone posts a work in progress to be edited, critiqued, commented on--not just to be "aaaawed".

If the posters above point out things that they thought made it harder to enjoy your piece, they did it to help you. They don't mean it badly. You don't have to respond with 'deal with it'.

as i sead befor * there will be no more of this from me *

however i am planing a totaly difrent searies to be released starting in 2 weeks
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I lied...

Thanks Kaolin.

Writing more fanfiction? or something out of your own head entirely? ^_^ Either way, good luck with it--and if you need any comments, feel free to PM me.



IMP

thanks Imp ,and yes this one is all mine , no other searies prompted me to write this ( i don't think... )

P.S i need some names for the next searies if you have aney good ideas ( english or not ) let me know.

thank you all for taking the time to read my "love hina " continuation.
after i wrote this i found out that there was more *stuff* happining in the manga searies and that i was left in the dark about what happened to the charaters

kaolin--


You'll notice this is a writing website.

Writing incorporates spelling, grammar and structure.

This failed on all three acounts.


Best,
Brad

to all : i ask you to stop tormenting me about how bad my spelling and grammer is

it is starting to get RELLY ANOYING

thank you

just as a question ... who would like to see the first fue lines of my new story