z

Young Writers Society


Freedom



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 1
Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:27 pm
MiaIsMe says...



My first post here, that it is, this is one of my fanfics, and is also posted on Fanfiction.net under the user name MiaAnimeWriter, so if you read this there, don't think I ripped someone off, 'cause MiaAnimeWriter and MiaIsMe are one and the same. ^_^

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Freedom
She just couldn't take it anymore! Done with the whole business! Finished! The little fur ball of a Pokemon paced around the cage that she had been confined in for past few months. The place was unbearable, all cold metal, all machines and gadgets. The Eevee missed her days of frolic and fun out in the open, the days when she could smell the fresh air, and feel the sunshine on her fur. She had to get out.

Eevee had been planning her escape for a few days, getting friendlier and friendlier with the attendant who fed her, until the foolish human began to take her out of the cage and play with her. These beings were easy to fool, and today was her chance to make her move. She looked around the room in which she was held through the bars of the cage, sensing that soon the human would be there to feed her, and unwittingly free her.

The clever little critter lay on her side on the hard metal floor of the cage and began panting heavily, giving the illusion of illness or injury as she thought of all the tests that these people had performed on her, trying to unlock the secrets of her DNA, as she had heard them say countless times. Special DNA, fascinating DNA. That's why she was here, in this dreadful place, because her species, as reported by the humans in the white coats, had peculiar DNA traits.

As she lay there Eevee's mind drifted back to the time she was captured. It had only been a few months ago, but to her it felt like centuries. The day had been perfect, she had spent the morning scouting the area of her new den for food sources. The sun had been shining, there had been just enough breeze to ruffle her fur and keep her cool, and there were pokemon all about, going about their business. She remembered it perfectly, the sudden shock of seeing the humans, the fear at the sight of the metal box they intended to put her in, the struggle for freedom, and the utter sadness of defeat and containment.

She was brought back to reality by the sound of footsteps in the hall outside of the containment room. The Eevee quickly resumed the illusion of illness, panting heavily and whimpering slightly for added effect. Her attendant opened the door to the room, spotting the pokemon on the floor of the cage. The soft-hearted scientist quickly set aside her tray of food and ran to the cage, leaving the door open, just as Eevee had hoped she would, and ran to the cage. She opened the cage quickly, and looked so concerned as she pulled the Eevee's deliberately limp body out of the contraption that Eevee almost felt bad about using her. Almost.

When the human settled back to check the creatures health Eevee made her move. With the agility and nimble movement that came naturally to her species she bounded from the lap of the scientist, darting quickly from the room. She had cleared the door before the attendant had time to scramble to her feet. Now came the hard part, navigating the building beyond the room. She had only visited a few other rooms in the building, and those excursions were only for more tests.

Eevee darted down the hall with all the speed she could muster, passing four scientists before the warning went out. Soon there were red lights flashing and voices calling over intercoms. Her time was running out. If she could only find a window. Or a door, or something. Her something arrived in the form of a staircase.

As she had seen no windows in the facility Eevee assumed that they were in a basement of sorts, underground. In this case, stairs meant freedom. She heard the footsteps and shouts from behind her. The scientists were catching up. She could also see light at the top of the stairs. Not the artificial light that filled the rooms behind her, but a purer, more happy light. The sun. A window. Freedom.

Eevee bounded up the stairs, quickly running out of breath, but holding out hope for the light at the top of the stairs. If she could only get there... Reaching the platform at the top of the staircase Eevee did a quick turn, spotting her ticket to freedom at the other side of the platform. The scientists were only feet away now, and she had no intention of going back into that cage, or that windowless room. The pokemon jumped for the window, tucking in her head slightly to prevent injury as she crashed through the glass.

It was heaven when her paws hit the grass, even with all of the glass clinging to her fur and scattering the ground. As she took off for the surrounding woods only one thought entered her mind: She was free.
Are there ever times you wonder what on earth you're doing?
You can see yourself doing things that you know are wrong.
You tell yourself to stop, hear yourself screaming within your own mind.
Yet you plow through, leaving destruction in your wake..
  





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Mon Jan 01, 2007 12:57 pm
Esmé says...



Hi! I was browsing the forums and saw that you have no comment, so I though I would wright you a critique. (I can't give you much feedback on pokemon, though. Seriously, I haven't had any contact with it for like four years, lol.)

quote:
She just couldn't take it anymore! Done with the whole business! Finished! The little fur ball of a Pokemon paced around the cage that she had been confined in for past few months.
After 'finished' you should make a new paragraph.

quote:
The Eevee missed her days of frolic and fun out in the open,
The sentence is correct, I'm just wondering about one thing: its THE eevee or just eevee?

quoteL
As she lay there Eevee's mind drifted back to the time she was captured.
After 'there' a comma.

quote:
With the agility and nimble movement that came naturally to her species she bounded from the lap of the scientist
Comma after species.

As she had seen no windows in the facility Eevee assumed that they were in a basement of sorts,
After facility a comma. Of SOME sort. I would delete the basement.

Anyways, I think that the stroy was great! I liekd your style and vocabulary, and cutting out the small mistakes, there was nothing wrong with the text.
  








If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France