z

Young Writers Society


Rumors of War



User avatar
90 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 90
Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:01 am
rosethorn says...



This has proven to be not my most well written piece. But there is a story to it! :D And I'm enjoying it.

It cuts off very suddenly right now but I will be adding to it gradually. Many of the characters are taken from either Final Fantasy XII or Zelda TP.

Enjoy.


Rumors of War

The man tugged on the reins of the red mare, leading her through the dense forest. Little light was left for them to depend on now.

“Darling, you’re hurt,” the woman seated upon the horse said weakly.


“Fear not. I have seen worse than this.” It was true, he had. But his leg still plagued him with pain.

“Can’t we stop?” The woman asked, her own pain apparent.

“Only a little further,” the man persisted.

“I cannot go any further,” she moaned in agony. “Please--darling, we must stop here.”

It troubled him greatly to put her through this. “No, we can’t stop now.”

The woman’s breathing became labored and she wept, the pain too much for her to bear.

“Darling, please…”

“Hush now. Rest,” he said, his eyes straining in the dark.

Soon the forest was engulfed in darkness and his feet served as a poor guide. The woman’s cries grew heavy. He was forced to stop. They could make it no further.

In very little time, he untied the thin pallet he carried and lay it across a space on the forest floor. His arms wrapped around the woman and lifted her out of the saddle. He gently lay the woman down on top of the matted surface.

Her face was soaked with tears and sweat, her breathing shallow. He caressed her cheek feeling lost.

He cried out into the night for help, begging the Gods to save his lady. For hours he knelt over her, only able to watch her suffer.

When it seemed all hope was lost, a glint of light caught his eye and soon after, a jingling noise accompanied it.

He yelled again, trying to catch attention. “Help!” He waited. “Somebody help!” His voice carried through the trees.

The light soon turned into many, bouncing in their approach until they took the figures of men carrying lanterns. They surrounded him, one of them kneeling over the woman quickly.

He could not contain himself. “Please, you must help my wife! Please, I beg of you!”

The man who had knelt over the woman now stood. “Fado, return to the village with everyone. I will accompany the strangers there. Tell the mayor.”

The other four men departed, their lights disappearing with them.

“Will she be alright?” The man pleaded.

“If we can get her to the village. It is not far from here. She needs a doctor’s help or the child she carries will kill her.”

The two men lifted the woman up into the saddle once more.

“Follow close,” The man with the lantern instructed. “Once we reach the road, it will be easier for footing.”

“I thank you for your kindness, stranger.”

The other man laughed. “It’s you who are the stranger, my friend.”

“Yes, that I am. But you still call me friend.”

“Aye.” The man answered, but he went no further with it.

Their feet soon met the road the man had spoken of earlier and they followed it through a glade, passing a large spring. The road sloped down gently into a small village, dimly lit by oil posts.

A cluster of people stood close to the village entrance, their excitement apparent. One man, a bulk of a man, strained to keep order.

“Now everybody just settle down, please.”

“Mayor,” the guide announced his return. A woman turned from the crowd and ran to meet him, her hand resting on his arm.

“Rusl, what seems to be the problem? Who is this stranger?” The mayor prompted.

“Sera, this woman needs care,” Rusl gestured. Sera, a large blonde woman with big arms, stepped forward to take the woman from the saddle. “As for the stranger, you can ask him yourself. We found him up near the caves.”

“Strangers are not welcome here,” a man growled, a club in hand.

“Now, now. Jaggle, keep quiet,” the mayor ordered.

Jaggle spat on the ground. “Are you a soldier then?” He asked acidly toward the stranger.

“I was,” he spoke, watching a few of the women shrink back. “But I am no longer.”

“This isn’t the place for such talk,” the mayor roared. “I’m calling a meeting back at my place. Rusl, I expect you and your…guest to attend. As will all the rest of you.”

“Yes, mayor.” Rusl answered.

The crowd broke, retreating to their homes, leaving Rusl, the woman who was still at his side, and the stranger standing alone.

“I’m sorry, I never did introduce myself. I’m Rusl and this is my wife Uli.”

Uli nodded, smiling. “You look exhausted. Please, you can come rest in our home until the mayor calls.”

The man sighed heavily. “Thank you. But I am worried about my wife.”

“She’s in the best of hands. Sera will take good care of her. For now you should come and recollect yourself in our hut. It’s just up the road there.” Rusl pointed toward the home that stood at the end of the creek that wound its way through the village.

He couldn’t argue and allowed himself to follow Rusl and Uli back to their home.

Inside, the house was warm and well lit. The house was small, only one room and a wooden staircase along to side that could only lead to the bedroom, but comfortable for a couple. Soup steamed hot over the fireplace. Uli made to the cupboards and started brewing a kettle of tea. Rusl gestured to the sofa.

“Make yourself at home, please.” Rusl offered. “It will be awhile before we’re expected at the mayor’s.”

“Tea will be ready in a few minutes,” Uli said, then caught a glance at the man’s severely injured leg. “Oh my, you’re hurt!”

Rusl too noticed the injury for the first time and made to get up.

“Ah, don’t trouble yourselves. It’s just a scratch.”

“Nonsense! Uli, fetch some warm water and cloth, will you dear?”

“Of course.”

The man made to get up but Rusl stopped him. “No, please sir. You shouldn’t be walking on a leg like that.”

The man was struck by the use of formalities. “Why do you call me sir?”

Rusl smiled. “Well, I have yet to learn your name. And you did say you had been a member of the king’s army.”

“Ah,” the man leaned back with realization. “Yes, was. But I am no longer. You can call me Basch.”

“Basch?” Rusl could not hide his amazement. “The Sir Basch Fen Rosenburg?”

“Aye. Was. But that part of my life has long since past. Please, just call me Basch.”

Uli had momentarily froze in place when she’d heard the name but now recollected herself clumsily. She knelt down in front of Basch’s wounded leg, stripping away the tatters of clothing that remained in that area.

The bleeding was strong, held only by a loose wrap of thick bandage material. Uli carefully unraveled this. The wound was deep, cut close to the bone. She emerged a piece of cloth into a pot of warm water, ringing it out.

“Forgive me. This will sting,” she said softly.

Basch winced slightly as Uli cleaned the wound but did not complain. Rusl had fallen silent, lost for words.

“You need not be afraid of me,” Basch said after a time.

“I just never imagined I’d have such company in my own home,” Rusl answered quietly. “It is an honor.”

“It is an honor to be welcomed,” Basch said sincerely. “You have showed me such kindness. I am in your debt.”

“Oh no, please. I--”

“He would show the same kindness to anybody.” Uli answered quickly.

“Yes, I expect nothing in return.”

Basch eased when Uli finally finished. “Thank you.”

Uli nodded. “Would you like some soup? Tea? You ought to eat something before the mayor calls. I expect you’ll be over there for awhile.”

“Please, thank you.”

Uli set the table for three. Basch stood, his left leg sore and weaker than he’d realized before. He stumbled on it but caught himself.

Rusl offered a hand. “Need some help?” Uli shot a concerned look at her husband.

Basch laughed a bit. “I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was. I was too focused on--” He winced hard at the pain that suddenly shot through his leg.

Rusl jumped forward and caught Basch’s arm, helping him sit back down.

“Darling, you ought to go ask Bo if this meeting can’t happen some other time,” Uli said hesitantly.

“Ah, I’m fine.” Basch insisted, still bracing himself.

“I think she’s probably right,” Rusl said. “You’re in no condition to even be standing.”

“Yes, tonight you should be resting. The mayor can reschedule the meeting for another night, I’m sure.”

Rusl nodded. “I’ll be back shortly. I’ll go tell Bo of the situation.” Rusl headed out the door.

“Here,” Uli offered, clearing the sofa of pillows, leaving two for Basch to rest his leg on. She set up another at the other end for him to lie against. “You just take it easy, okay?”

“But Charlotte--”

“Is that your wife’s name? She’ll be alright. If anything changes, Sera will send word right away. Just relax for now, please.”

Basch did as he was requested to do and allowed himself to lie back on the pillow, lifting his leg to rest on the sofa. He was still noticeably tense though.

Uli set up a makeshift table and brought the meal to where Basch could reach it. She could tell he wasn’t familiar with being cared for.

She took a seat in the rocker by the fireplace and picked up her casual knitting, hoping to make him feel less awkward and more comfortable.

“I had no idea that you were married,” she commented subtly. “I hadn’t heard you were, at least.”

“Our wedding was recent,” Basch said. “After I was dismissed from the knighthood. Only our closest friends and family attended the ceremony.”

“I see.”
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 690
Reviews: 1
Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:06 am
ArtemisClair-Lune says...



I really like the graphic description, but don't you think it's a bit... flowery? Like, you could try adding description of the land around them in between dialogue to keep the reader from going mad with all the 'darlings'. Personally, I can only cope with characters who are in love if they joke with each other or argue, because this at least gives the reader a feeling of sexual tension. But other than that, I think that the ideas are really good. Please finish it! :D
  





User avatar
571 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
Sat Dec 30, 2006 1:45 pm
Esmé says...



quote
Little light was left for them to depend on now.
I have a feeling that there is something wrong with this sentence, but I’m not entirely sure…

quote
In very little time, he untied the thin pallet he carried
I don’t like the phrase: ‘In very little time’. -And did he carry that pallet around with him all the time?

Quote
The light soon turned into many, bouncing in their approach until they took the figures of men carrying lanterns. They surrounded him, one of them kneeling over the woman quickly.
He could not contain himself. “Please, you must help my wife! Please, I beg of you!”
The man who had knelt over the woman now stood. “Fado, return to the village with everyone. I will accompany the strangers there. Tell the mayor.”
The other four men departed, their lights disappearing with them.
Here, and at some other parts, at first I had no idea who is who. At first I though that the guy speaking speeking about his wife was one the one who was kneeling. Eventually I though of the husband, but… -Giving the main character a name instead of ‘he’ would be a good idea.


-You focused on the dialogues, and I’m okay with that, but I think that you should add more descriptions. Especially of the character.

-From what I’ve observed, the story is set in a medieval period (I mean, there are knights and no cell phones, lol). If I am correct, than the shortcuts like ‘you’re’ are out of place.

-Do not start your sentences with ‘but’.

-At the start, you used ‘woman’ twice - I know I’m picky here, but find a synonym to put there.

-As I said, you have not enough descriptions. At some points our action is just too fast,. Nothing will happen if you slow down a bit. (Descriptions also give the reader an idea of what is happening and where the character are. I feel a considerable lack of the last.)

-I think that the whole piece was a bit… melodramatic (at least at some parts) e.g.
He cried out into the night for help, begging the Gods to save his lady. For hours he knelt over her, only able to watch her suffer.
When it seemed all hope was lost, a glint of light caught his eye and soon after, a jingling noise accompanied it.

-Your paragraphs are a tad to short (descriptions would make them longer). I mean, you have so many of them - merge some of them into one (this is only a suggestion).

-You ended off too abruptly. Maybe you should close one episode or chapter before posting it?

I have mixed feeling towards the story. At times I had to make myself read more, which never is a good sign, but some parts where passable. I think that you need to work on it a bit more.
  





User avatar
571 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
Sat Dec 30, 2006 1:54 pm
Esmé says...



Oh, and an update: I noticed that at some parts you use language in the kind of 'it troubled him greatly'. That okay, I am totally for that, but if you start doing that, do it till the end.
  








“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly