Young Writers Society

Ding Dong

Russell rose from his chair as his doorbell rung, slowly walking backwards towards the door while keeping his eyes firmly planted on the breaking news report showing on the television.

"Bloody salesperson! It's got to be one of them at this time," he snarled, as spit clung to his grey and scruffy moustache.

Gazing quickly down at his wrist he watched as the hour hand slowly moved to eight. He turned around hastily as he backed into his coat rack. After taking his anger out on the coat rack, which frankly didn’t stand a chance, he finally opened the door.

"I'm the Doctor!" exclaimed the young man whose black suit and pants were unmissed by Russell, who abruptly shut the door and turned around retreating back to his self made haven.

Ding Dong

“Go away!” he shouted as he sat down and picked up the rumpled newspaper lying on the finished wooden floor.

“Does Sarah live here?”

At this Russell rose back up and headed towards the door. Anyone who knew Russell knew that he did not give visitors a second chance to contact him and that he would go to painstakingly great lengths to further distance himself from that particular visitor. As he opened the door he stared with interest towards the man waiting calmly outside.

“How do you know my daughter Sarah?” he asked, almost childlike in the manner in which it was done.

“I have a reason to believe that your daughter may be in greater danger than you assumed.”

“Please come in Doctor,” Russell said as he moved backwards allowing the man to enter.

“Have you seen her?” he asked at once as he closed the door firmly behind him as the Doctor peered over the coat rack, “the officers I’ve asked are still looking for her….”

“No I haven’t but she still may yet be alive,” the Doctor calmly replied looking down at the television, still broadcasting the breaking news alert.

Here in downtown London, panic is spreading ever faster as mysterious men, dressed in some sort of hardened armour, have sized the national treasury! All are being advised to stay away and it is recommended that if you are not in urgent need of going outside, you do not!”

P.S. I reckoned I'll try my hand at Fan-Fiction for once! Happy Holidays!

Yay, I can finally be the first to review!!!

This is good so far, Elite! I myself happen to be a fan of Doctor Who, and I must say I'm intrigued.

The only thing I can really pick up on at the moment is the first sentence of the newscast at the end of the chapter- you say downtown Britain, and Britain is a country. >.> So a reader who is not as well aquainted with the series would be a bit disconcerted by such generality and the contradiction in downtown Britain. I'm thinking you probably wanted London. ^^ Also, 'hardened armor' is a bit redundant.

I'll try to get around to a more thorough edit...But if there's nothing really blaringly wrong with it, I kinda have trouble critiquing. And that's a good thing! Keep going, I can't wait to see who these mysterious armored people are!

Hi, I love this story it has some great potential. I hope you can find the time to do another chapter or elaborate on this piece. Keep writing!

Overall, the piece was good. At first the Doctor isn't allowed in, but once the man hears him say Sarah, he lets him in. He says: "Please come in Doctor." The Doctor never told the man his 'name'. So how does he know the Doctor as the Doctor? Other than that I saw no problems with it.

I love Doctor Who, but I didn't really get it.

Couldn't find any mistakes, just a little confused.

Hello Elite Husky!

I liked this, to be short and sweet.

I thought you captured the character of the doctor well. Am I right in thinking that this is based on David Tennant?

I am interested to see where this is going to go and I am off to read the other parts right now

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

The name says it all, I am a huge Doctor Who fan !
This story has so many possible outcomes, I can't wait to see what happens next!

EliteHusky wrote:Ding Dong


At this Russell rose back up and headed towards the door. Anyone who knew Russell knew that he did not give visitors a second chance to contact him and that he would go to painstakingly great lengths to further distance himself from that particular visitor. As he opened the door he stared with interest towards the man waiting calmly outside.

This seems a little bit long and wordy, in the midst of all the dialogue.

“How do you know my daughter Sarah?” he asked, almost childlike in the manner in which it was done.

I like this. I can just hear him saying it.

“I have a reason to believe that your daughter may be in greater danger than you assumed.”

“Please come in Doctor,” Russell said as he moved backwards allowing the man to enter.

Wait, how is he reacting?

Overall, this is an interesting piece.
I'm hooked. All that you need is to give us another chapter.
Please, I really want to read more.



~Voxina

EliteHusky wrote:Ding Dong

Russell rose from his chair as his doorbell rung, slowly walking backwards towards the door while keeping his eyes firmly planted on the breaking news report showing on the television.

"Bloody salesperson! It's got to be one of them at this time," he snarled, as spit clung to his grey and scruffy moustache. You never let us know if it was morning or night...

Gazing quickly down at his wrist he watched as the hour hand slowly moved to eight.You need to inform us that he has a watch on or its confusing. He turned around hastily as he backed into his coat rack. After taking his anger out on the coat rack, which frankly didn’t stand a chance, he finally opened the door.you need to work on this, rearange it.

"I'm the Doctor!" exclaimed the young man whose black suit and pants were unmissed by Russell, who abruptly shut the door and turned around retreating back to his self made haven. Again, work on it.

Ding Dong

“Go away!” he shouted as he sat down and picked up the rumpled newspaper lying on the finished wooden floor.

“Does Sarah live here?”

At this Russell rose back up and headed towards the door. Anyone who knew Russell knew that he did not give visitors a second chance to contact him and that he would go to painstakingly great lengths to further distance himself from that particular visitor. As he opened the door he stared with interest towards the man waiting calmly outside.

“How do you know my daughter Sarah?” he asked, almost childlike in the manner in which it was done.

“I have a reason to believe that your daughter may be in greater danger than you assumed.”

“Please come in Doctor,” Russell said as he moved backwards allowing the man to enter. How does russel feel?

“Have you seen her?” he asked at once as he closed the door firmly behind him as the Doctor peered over the coat rack, “the officers I’ve asked are still looking for her….”

“No I haven’t but she still may yet be alive,” the Doctor calmly replied looking down at the television, still broadcasting the breaking news alert.

Here in downtown London, panic is spreading ever faster as mysterious men, dressed in some sort of hardened armour, have sized the national treasury! All are being advised to stay away and it is recommended that if you are not in urgent need of going outside, you do not!” reword the last sentance.

P.S. I reckoned I'll try my hand at Fan-Fiction for once! Happy Holidays!

Other than that good job! you captured the doctor very well for the amount of time he was in it...
Next time you could inclube more info about this sarah...maybe at the beginning saying he was issing or worried about her.

Anyway for a first time good job!!

RiS