Young Writers Society

Two things:

The SPEW Gryphon II activated it's thrusters.

Its, not it's.

The SPEW Commandos moved inside, all ready coordinating with Adelaide as to where to put their equipment.

Already, not all ready. Also, "as to where to put" is reeeally bulky. See if you can make it prettier.

And:

"Sir, permission to come aboard?" Grif recognized her as Areida. A student of West Point, she was a capable leader and most importantly, she was a survivor. Grif was glad she was leading the SPEW squad.

*babbles* HOMG I'm in the story! Whee!

(My more important trait has, unfortunately, sent a certain Destiny's Child song rolling through my head. I used to blast Survivor in my room when I was in sixth grade.)

I'm happy you updated. Give me more!

1100 Hours April 7th, 2008
YWS Station
YWS System

"Incan and the medical detachment have finished boarding," Adelaide said.

"Very well. Ask docking control for permission to embark."

"I've got the recruits coming up to the bridge. They'll be here in a minute."

The recruits began to file in. There was some whispering, but most were quiet. This was a good sign.

"Docking Control has given us an outbound vector and a good luck," Adelaide said.

"Take us out."

"With respect, I think they would learn better if you took it out," Adelaide said. Grif frowned. Having recruits around would be more annoying than he thought.

"Fine. Adelaide, verify all loading is finished."

"All hands are present. Loading is finished."

"Report status of systems."

"All systems are go."

"Seal our airlock. Detach from YWS Station."

"Done."

"Display navigation program and enlarge," Grif said. The holoprojector worked, filling the room with the display. The Gryphon was at the center of the screen. Around it was other ships and YWS Station.

"Our navigation system uses the spherical coordinate system for position data. It is displayed as R, theta, and phi. Theta and phi are in degrees, r is in kilometers. For course changes we just mention theta and phi. Adelaide, sync our position data with that of YWS Station."

"Done."

"Set course to ninety-zero. Verify course clear."

"Ninety-zero aye. Course is clear." On the display, the Gryphon fired her maneuvering thrusters to point the Gryphon perpendicular to the dock. Her nose pointed up.

"Engage main thrusters, ten percent power. Ten percent is the maximum power output we can have near YWS Station. Any faster is considered unsafe. Any questions?"

"What is spherical coordinates again?"

"Is this going to be on a test?"

"I forgot my pencil."

"Enough!" Grif shouted, silencing the recruits. For a moment, the only sound was the soft humming of the electronics.

"Spherical coordinates just talk about where something is in relation to the ship. Extend your arm and point it straight ahead of you." Grif did this and the crew also did so.

"This demonstrates the dimension "r." In this case, r is fixed since your arm is a fixed distance away. Now, instead of pointing straight ahead, point your arm to the left or right. The angle formed by this motion is known as phi. The angle goes from -180 to +180. Or if numbers don't strike you, the angle goes from pointing behind you with your left hand to pointing behind you with your right hand."


"Now, point straight ahead again. Instead of pointing side to side, we're going to point up and down. When you raise your arm, you form a certain angle. This angle is referred to as "theta." In fact, since r is the same, whenever we point side to side or up and down, we're forming phi and theta angles. Now comes the tricky part."


"So far we've been dealing with very specific motions, left to right, up and down. To make diagonal motions, you simply combine the horizontal and vertical motions. So, something that has the coordinates (5,90,0) is ahead of you five units, directly overhead. Whereas the coordinates (5,0,90) is not elevated and to your right. Notice that the coordinate (5,90,90) does not exist. The position of the object you're describing will never simultaneously be at your zenith and right five units. That, in a nut shell, is spherical coordinates."

There was silence.

"Is it just me, or did that actually make sense?" Jabber said.

"No way! I understand it perfectly!" PenguinAttack said.

"All right then, when we're talking about navigation positions, we're using full spherical coordinates. When we're talking about course corrections, we'll just use theta and phi angles. So (9,30,-50) is a position vector, while (-40,15) is just a direction vector. Adelaide?"

"Yes?"

"Set course, to (0,180) then reset bearings. Resetting the bearings just means that we change our point of reference from YWS station to our ship. Distance from YWS Station?"

"We're outside the safe zone; 89 kilometers."

"Good, bring thrusters up to 60%. Plot a course for the coordinates Nate gave us and then match bearings. That's enough for now. If you have questions you can ask them, if not, you can return to your quarters," Grif said.

this story was so weird as i read it seemed

like everything was just he was the only

human on bored and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

oh and did i mention bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm kind of scared. You used actual chat stuff in this! That's awesome and frightening at the same time. Though, it felt like I was in calc again, rather. Not what I was expecting walking into a SPEW story.

By the way, MORE COMMANDOS!

/spew

This is developing really well, Griff. The humour is spot on and your inclusion of YWS members and back-stories makes for a fantastic read but I would like to see more description and characterization. Even a fan-fic benefits from a sense of atmosphere and setting.

You had a few typos and the odd grammar mistake but I'm sure a quick proof read will catch those and the only part I didn't really enjoy was the maths lesson but then, I hate maths.

I look forward to future installments.

Jaliayh101 wrote:this story was so weird as i read it seemed

like everything was just he was the only

human on bored and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

oh and did i mention bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wow, this is the most awesome critique I've ever received. It was like blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Don't forget the part where you said

"bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

With input like this I can so totally reach the literary pinnacle of YWS. The detail, the expression, the whole sense of blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Truly inspiring. Great review, keep writing.

P.S. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oooh, SHUT DOWN!!!

Sorry, I had to.

This is just fun, Gryph. Keep it up!

2200 Hours April 7th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
In Transit

PenguinAttack woke up and looked around. The room was barren, except for the bunk. She jumped down from the top, onto a smooth floor. Everything had been packed away into compartments to save space. Unfortunately, she didn't remember how to retrieve them.

"Adelaide?"

"Yes?"

"Could you tell me how to open the closet?"

"Just move your hand over the wall. It will open them." Penguin did this and lights appeared, indicating panels.

"Which panel has my clothes?"

"The one on the lower left." Penguin bent down and pressed a button.

"Your other left."

"Right," Penguin said.

"No, left," Adelaide corrected. Penguin ignored this and dressed quickly. The clothes were issued for space. She looked at herself in the reflector and frowned.

"Adelaide, these jumpsuits look terrible."

"Then Grif did a good job. He wanted them to be unattractive."

"What do you mean?"

"Simple. He learned that tight pants lead to higher sexual tension. So, he designed the clothing to be as ugly as possible, while still being functional," Adelaide said.

"What's wrong with sexual tension?"

"It makes people stupid."

"He must be pretty smart."

"He has his moments. You'll want to hurry up, I'm not sure how long Grif will be off the bridge," Adelaide said. Penguin found the door and slid out. The trip to the bridge was uneventful. Adelaide did a lot to help, by illuminating panels and doors. Soon, Penguin found herself on the bridge. It was empty, full of displays and control panels.

"Okay, so you're going to be in charge of navigation. The navigation controls are over there."

"Why navigation?"

"Your math scores."

"I said that 2+2=5."

"It's true under certain circumstances. Math can work illogically and still come up with a true answer. Your illogical math scores are what qualified you to be navigation. Tap that display three times to activate it."

"Okay."

"The display you see now is the navigation display. Using them, we can move the Gryphon wherever we want.

"That's IT?"

"The controls aren't complicated, but the maneuvers can be quite complicated. Half your job is pre-programming courses and maneuvers. That way, you only have to press a routine called "Crazy Ivan" instead of having to press every button to make it happen."

The bridge door opened suddenly and Grif came in.

"What's going on?" Grif asked.

"Just instructing Penguin on the navigation console," Adelaide answered.

"Great. I want you to work with her to create a flight plan. You have our search grid, I want a path that will cover the most area the fastest, without slamming us into some planet or crashing through a star. Think you can handle that?" Grif asked. Penguin shook her head.

"Well, that's why you have Adelaide. She'll show you how," Grif said. He looked around a few seconds more, before returning to his cabin.

0900 Hours April 9th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
In Transit

There were at least fifty people on the Gryphon, which is fourty-nine more than Grif was used to. Despite the number, Grif only needed to deal with three of them. They were Areida, Incandescence, and Adelaide. Grif wasn't sure if Adelaide was actually a person, but he figured she had personality and that was close enough. Currently, all of them were in the same room.

"I wanted to see how everything is going with your respective sections," Grif said.

"I guess everything is fine. I'm just a mathematician. Why I'm the ship's doctor, I'll never know." Incandescence said.

"I think it has something to do with that period of time where you had the Dr. House avatar. Everyone just assumed you were a cranky doctor."

"If I had a purple dinosaur avatar, would I be singing with small children?"

"Would you like me to calculate the probability of that?" Adelaide asked.

"Not necessary. Incan, you would be singing with small children. Areida?"

"We've prepped our boarding craft and begun some refresher training. We've been coordinating with Adelaide so we're not in the way. We're ready."

"Adelaide?" Grif asked.

"I've been working with the various apprentices. They have been responsive to their training. I've also been giving them subliminal training in their various posts. All systems are reacting well, as well as the crew members."

"The mission?"

"We're on course to travel by several planets in our sector. Not much to say about them until we get there. Threat levels are fairly moderate. If we encounter something, it is likely to be very strong, but the odds of that are fairly remote. If we do encounter something, we have a few options available to us."

"We can attack or we can hide."

"We'll hide. If it's friendly, then we can decloak. If not, we can watch from a distance and follow them back. I'm not looking to put any holes in the hull before the time is right."

"Aye sir," Adelaide disappeared from the console.

"Well, I think that just about concludes this meeting. If anything comes up, just let me know," Grif said, stretching his arms.

"Will you? This ride has been nothing but boring," Incandescence said.

"Grif, we're receiving a transmission, there is a corvette under attack. Apparently it has been heavily damaged and is in need of immediate assistance," Adelaide reported.

"Get us there. How long until we can get there," Grif asked.

"Five hours," Adelaide said.

"If they survive that long it will be a miracle," Areida said.

"How many space battles last five hours?" Incandescence wondered out loud.

"I rather prefer boring," Grif said.

The last two sections are good but I think you need to add just a little bit more description, like show us how the clothes are ugly rather than telling us. I'm sure you can at least describe the colour and also, are they uncomfortable to wear? In what way are they ultimately practical? Are they, rather than being baggy, really bulky so that they're tight against the skin to make movement easier but don't appear to be because of all the padding?

Also, you need to add more dialogue tags (preferably with actions and body movements) so that people who aren't familiar with the characters in your fan-fic know who is speaking. Remember, newer members of YWS might read this and they'll not be able to discern the characters until they're familiar with them. You and I might recognise a sentence as having been said by Brad because of the wit and sarcasm used but others might not.

And then just a few minor suggestions:

"Could you tell me how to open the closet?"

"Just move your hands over the wall. It will open them."

I think you need to change it to read either '...open the closet doors?"' or '...over the wall and it will open."' because otherwise, you have a singular term and then a plural term...

"Get us there. How long until we can get there," Grif asked.

[I'd suggest making the two sentences into one. Something like: 'How long will it take you to get us there?' just for the sake of avoiding Grif sounding a little repetetive.]

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to pm me if any of it doesn't make sense and keep up the good work! xx

1400 Hours April 9th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
In Transit

"We're approaching the source of the transmission," Adelaide said.

"All hands to battle stations," Grif said calmly. At the various displays were the YWS members that had been drilled over the past few days. They didn't seem ill at ease, but then again many of them did not know battle.

That would change.

"Activate forum jump drives," Grif said. PenguinAttack pressed a button and the Gryphon jumped. Time and space blurred for a moment, before coming back into focus on the other side of the jump.

"Sitrep!" Grif ordered, looking at the displays.

"Two ships in system, a Corvette and a SPAM star. Both ships have been heavily damaged, they're drifting. We'll be within range in five minutes."

"Firearris, raise shields. Remove all weapon safeties and charge all weapons systems. Load the hyper-velocity cannons with a light round and all forward torpedo tubes with SPEW-17 torpedoes."

"Aye aye sir!" Firearris said, her hands typing furiously on the computer.

"Penguin, set an intercept course for the SPAM star," Grif said.

"Aye sir."

"Bow view," Grif ordered. Immediately, the display showed the ships before them. Both ships were stationary, the engines of both ships had been disabled.

"Adelaide, that SPAM star is four times the size of that Corvette, how is it still alive?"

"I can't know for sure."

"Hypothesize."

"It is possible that the gunners on the Corvette were able to damage the reactor. They must have disabled each other very quickly. I'm detecting fighter craft," Adelaide said. Grif keyed the intercom.

"Flemzo, prepare to scramble your squadron," Grif said before releasing the button.

"Roger that Grif," Flemzo responded. The door opened and Areida came in.

"Are the SPEW Commando's ready?" Grif asked Adelaide. Instead of answering, Adelaide patched him through to Areida.

"We're ready," Areida replied.

"We're being hailed."

"Unidentified Cruiser, this is the Corvette Tranquility. Please identify yourself."

"Tranquility, this is the SPEW Gryphon II. What is your status?"

"Engines and shields are down, our launch bays are blocked or without power. Our fighters managed to take out their engines and weapon systems, but our fighters are unable to press their attacks."

"Don't worry Tranquility, we'll take care of the SPAM Star."

"Fire, do we have a firing solution for the SPAM Star?"

"Yes, sir."

"Fire the hyper-velocity cannon."

"Aye aye sir!" Firearris said, pressing the button. There was a flash from the bow camera as the gun fired. Then, there was a second flash as the light round impacted into the SPAM Star. The round tore through the unshielded ship. Atmosphere vented and the SPAM Star spun around wildly. It's lights flickered and died.

"Target destroyed," Adelaide reported.

"

1400 Hours April 9th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
Merlin System

The SPEW Gryphon arrived at the scene of the battle. Scrap metal cluttered the entire area around the two wrecks. Grif viewed the destruction from the bridge. He watched in silence, thankful that the new crew members weren't watching. He didn't need a jittery crew.

"Both ships have been heavily damaged. It looks like a SPAM star came across the corvette," Adelaide said.

"The SPAM star outguns that corvette five times over," Grif noted.

"That's true, the crew of that corvette must have been pretty sharp. The SPAM Star has their engines and shields destroyed. They punched a big hole through the ship to do it. Between the hull breach and their reactor going critical, the SPAM Star was destroyed," Adelaide said.

"And the Corvette?"

"She's got hull breaches all over the place. Looks like the corvette was badly battered. She'd need several months in a dry dock."

"Any chance of survivors?"

"All ships are supposed to have enough air to last for a week, but if there was a fire, then we might not have any survivors."

"We'll check anyway. Tell Areida to prep the Commandos, then send all the information you have on the corvette to her," Grif said.

1405 Hours April 9th, 2008
Merlin System

The SPEW Commandos sat in the transport.

"Has everyone seen the data?" Areida asked.

"No, but there was this really terrible story from Snoink," Hunter said.

"Three seconds to launch." The Computer said.

"Is that even possible?" Cade asked. There was a sudden acceleration as the transport left the launch bay of the Gryphon and streaked towards the Corvette.

"Of course it is. What kind of title is FREAK?" Hunter asked.

"You think FREAK is bad?!"

"Twenty seconds until arrival.

"It's depressing!" Hunter said.

"It's not THAT depressing," Kitty15 said.

"Virtually every character gets maimed or killed and you don't think it's depressing?"

"Ten seconds..." the Computer counted down.

"Okay, so it might be a little depressing, but it is still a good story."

"Five seconds..."

"Enough all ready. It's a well written depressing story with a freaky title," Areida said. The SPEW Commandos groaned as the Transport landed in the Corvette's hanger. The SPEW Commandos exited quickly, ready for anything.

The hanger was empty.

"The area is clear. Did you know that Snoink posted the rest of FREAK?" Smaur asked.

"What! Where?"

"It's at http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic24231.html."

********************

1410 Hours April 9th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
Merlin System

"Grif, we've searched the ship, but we didn't find anyone. The crew has vanished," Areida reported.

"Did they abandon ship?" Grif asked.

"Impossible to tell, the Captain's log is missing," Areida said.

"It was the Aliens. Extract your team on the double Areida," Grif said.

"What makes you think it was Aliens?" Adelaide asked.

"It wasn't us and if it were a SPAM star there would be no Corvette. Who else could it have been?"

"I'm pretty sure that there is a fallacy in that line of- hold on a second. I'm detecting an incoming jump signature, unknown classification."

"How much time do we have?"

"Less than a minute."

"Battle Stations," Grif said.

"Aye aye Captain." The com

OMG. FREAK isn't that depressing, geez! Making fun of my baby. *cradles FREAK in arms*

And not everybody gets maimed or killed. I think... um... one character might actually get out, unscathed! Well... he might be sort of emotionally scarred, but he's a politician, so he can live with it, probably... um... yeah.

*flails*

I was afraid you would post that link of the old version of FREAK! But really, you copied it wrong. It should be this:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic24235.html

Notice the "5" at the end.

Anyway, I think there should be an epic battle between Ari and me on whether we should use military time or the am/pm system. And then Adelaide should make up her own time system but, in the process, accidentally create a time machine that teleports all of us back to the time of Dickens.

*nods*

O.......M.............G! This is the best of your works I have seen so far. I love the way Snoink gave you a pink ship even though you said specifically NOT to.