Young Writers Society

I just wrote this now... it's a bit for Altair after the end of the game...enjoy


ALTAIR

Slowly, and carefully, Altair approached his victim smoothly and with ease. The crowd were cheering. Chanting. Altair was angry. The wooden platform was centred in the village square. Nobody cared who was going to die. Nobody knew why they did what they did. Just that this ruler had to die. His plan was deadly. Venomous. To kill all who stepped in his way. Altair had a defined feeling of hate towards the man who stood smugly on the platform. About to kill a couple of innocents.
Not going to happen, thought Altair and he pushed aside people from the crowd.
The crowd quietened. The had stopped talking.
'Calm people,' the man said as he walked swiftly around the platform. 'I am here to sentence these people for attempted murder of our master.'
Altair, felt a strange thud of realisation. They had attempted to murder their 'master'. Not the man who spoke now on the platform. Still... they were innocents and had to be saved. The 'master' certainly was evil. He tortured the men and women if they disagreed with his plans for his kingdom. Killed them. Burried them. Forgot them.
'I am sure you all feel a hate towards these people for what they attempted,' the man said.
Hate? Towards these people? Surely these men and women are blind to what their 'master' is well and truly doing.
Altair brushed past a few more people until he was in front of the crowd.
'Watch where you're going!' Somebody hissed at Altair. Altair ignored them.
'That man is to die!' The man pointed a long finger at Altair. Confusion swam through Altair's mind. What was this man talking about? 'He will kill me! Guards! Kill him!'
You've blown it, Altair thought. I will kill you one day. How you recognised me...
I know.
I will kill you one day.
With those last thoughts, Altair took of through the crowd, and ran for his life.

Hey, Icarlyfan, just quickly reviewing your excerpt.
Great choice for the name, I like it.

But should it be Assasins' Creed?


Anyway,
now there were alot of redundancy with your adjectives. See "slowly" suggests to the reader that Altair is cautious or wary, so carefully can be ommitted. The same goes for "with ease" and "smoothly".

I feel that another word can be substituted for the word die in the third line.
And "The crowd was cheering"--not were.

"You've blown it, Altair thought. I will kill you one day. How you recognised me...

I know.

I will kill you one day." ( Here I feel that his thoughts could've been in italics as you had before.)

All in all, it carries a note of mystery, and is a good piece.
Keep it up!

Hey!

I don't often read fanfiction, but Assassin's Creed is too awesome.

Grammar

It's not bad, but it feels a little too messy. Read out what you say - in doing so, you will gain a greater understanding of flow and you'll be able to pick up when something's out of place or missing. I'm mostly talking about commas. I felt myself being distracted by the disrupting sentence structures, so pay close attention to that.

Failing the reading-aloud method, there's a great little article here about commas: topic19162.html. Hopefully that should help.

Let me give you some examples:

'Calm, people,' the man said

Without that new comma, it's effectively an imperative - the man is telling someone else to calm the people, which isn't what you were aiming for. This makes it seem more natural, less forced.

Content

Nothing happened. That's my biggest criticism. While I don't write fanfic, what I can tell you is that it's written for a reason. Perhaps you enjoyed the game and want to explore the character of Altair, or develop him in your own mind. Perhaps throw him in a new situation and see what happens. That's fair enough, but right now you're not doing either. You're not developing the character - which is probably most essential when describing an otherwise flat video game character - or, since you're not doing that, you could throw him into a lion's den and describe the outcome, developing his character that way, too, by his actions.

I am, however, failing to understand the direction. You give character development a small shot, but it's not enough. Not at all. You say Altair wants to save a couple of innocents, but why? What's his motive? What's he going to get out of it? No one does something for the sake of it. Is it through resentment of the master? Because he knows they're innocent and wants to help them? If so, why does he so casually realise he needs to leave at the end, with no thought spared to the innocent people?

And that brings me on to flaws. Altair is not perfect. He is an assassin - does he have no guilt? No fear? What are his flaws? Do they get in the way of this assassination? As you can see, we need some serious character development.

General Criticism

Slowly, and carefully, Altair approached his victim smoothly and with ease.

Woah, too much going on. Is there any way that some of these adverbs/descriptions could be taken away? It feels to me like you're just trying to tell us what's going on without showing us why, or how he achieves it. 'Carefully' and 'with ease' almost contradict one another, with 'smoothly' and 'slowly' not really saying much different.

Generally speaking, cut down on the adverbs. There are more interesting ways of describing things without falling in on adverbs, which tend to just bloat the descriptions. Try some smilies, some metaphors. They really give the imagery a kick, and allow the readers to decide how they want to interpret them.

Slowly, and carefully, Altair approached his victim smoothly and with ease. The crowd were cheering. Chanting. Altair was angry. The wooden platform was centred in the village square. Nobody cared who was going to die. Nobody knew why they did what they did. Just that this ruler had to die. His plan was deadly. Venomous. To kill all who stepped in his way. Altair had a defined feeling of hate towards the man who stood smugly on the platform. About to kill a couple of innocents.

I keep rereading this, but I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Nobody cared what the innocent people did (it took me a while to understand that), just that they want the ruler to die, but they're still chanting, and he's killing people unfairly? Not sure if that's right, but the point stands - develop this some more. Maybe try including the viewpoint of another character in here, perhaps someone from the crowd or even the ruler himself.

While I enjoyed the set-up, in short, this feels too rushed. Sit back. Spend some time discussing the individual characters, and I really think you could take this somewhere. I hope this helped somewhat!

Best
Blinky

(Let me know if you have any questions. )

Ok ok... that was just a rough draft i gave you guys. i know i didn't describe it properly because that was just a small extract, everything comes clear when he has escaped the guards... that's when all the descriptive stuff comes in. anyway, thanks for the help you guys and i'll share the proper version with you later!

Hey nice piece of fan fiction. I really liked the Assassin's Creed games and you did a fair job in capturing Altair's character. However the only problem I had with the writing was:

Altair had a defined feeling of hate towards the man who stood smugly on the platform.

Altair was trained to only do what was necessary and never to hate his enemies. But perhaps I'm reading too much into it ^^.

Overall I really liked it. It reminds me a lot of the opening cinematic on the title screen which was brilliant and shining star in video game cinematics.

I look forward to more.

yep, that's what gave me the idea, and oh well... um i haven't written any more because i've been so busy with other stuff! argh... and yeah, but he did hate his victims somtimes, even though he was trained not to, he still hated them. so,

yes it's the intro video
And thank you, this is old and i've kind of abandoned it... how'd you find it?

Ah, Assassin's Creed. One of the best games in the world. As to your fic, the setting and plot are good. However, the flow of words seem to be a little... choppy. In my humble opinion, this fic is too short for a proper read. For me, it felt like just when I was getting into the flow, there was a sudden, abrupt, stop. But other than that, it's good, so keep them coming, would you kindly?

This is old paha xD Thanks, but someone found it and commented, my style has changed a lot since then and this fic is kind of... abandoned. :/
I will try and write more, i just have one last exam to study for, then i can get back to writing.