Young Writers Society

OK. thanks for the reviews everybody.
@hockeyfan87... I'm english, therefore i spell the english way. We spell favourite 'favourite'. not 'favorite'. That's the american spelling. sorry but i hate it when people point that out to me. same with 'realise' and 'realize'. everything. even 'centre'.

so... you know. :3

i really like it you seem to write exactly like Steph Meyer so i felt really conected i did find a few mistakes and they were corrected in the other postings so no need for me to tell them to you again. I really liked it keep going

Hi iCarlyfan,

In general I like your piece. It is somehow nice and peaceful.
What disturbs me are the references to Bella's strength. As far as I can remember (I admit, it's been a while since I read Breaking Dawn and I only ready it once) Bella is unusually graceful even for a vampire but not unusually strong. But this is your fan fiction so you can add traits as you wish.

I do not know if your audience knew twilight but some probably didn't, right?
So normally I'd say that explaining things like the fact that Edward can read minds would be unnecessary. But since your audience might not know the books it's okay.

Here are a few specific passages I noticed:

1.

Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter. She might be a year old, but she looks like a 5 year old and acts like a ten year old! She’s my half vampire, half human daughter.


Here you say twice that Renesmee is her daughter. It sounds really odd. The first time is very nicely done, the second time sounds kind of strange. I'd leave out the second time entirely. It does not help the reader understand the story if you say that she is half human and half vampire because she is only mentioned in this paragraph. The fans will know what Renesmee is and the others won't really care.

2.

Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend.


Try to cut the double vampire. I am sorry but I can't come up with a solution to this at the moment. I was thinking of "sexy vampire couple" but Bella wouldn't say that of herself...

3.

I could smell mountain lion, Edward and mines favourites.


It has to be "Edward and my favorite". I also might say "favorite food" instead of only "favorite" but both would work because it becomes obvious that they are talking about food. At least that is what I think. I am not sure on this point so you might want to ask somebody who does not know twilight.

Now what I really liked was this:

I watched as it hunched its back, ready to sting me.
‘Go ahead,’ I whispered to the wasp. ‘But you’ll be the one getting hurt not me.’
The wasp seemed to know exactly what I said and he buzzed off.


That was simply funny.

I hope I could help.

Aina


I agree with this post. Great story, none the less.

wow it was really good and i havent got much more to add on because everyone's already said it, keep up the writing

I liked it, it was simple and nice. I was sort of disappointed that there was no Jacob though! I love the energy Jacob adds to scenes with his humor. For example the "vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend" seems like something Jacob would say not Bella. So that was tiny bit OFC. (By the way, Bella and Edward are married at this point) The rest of the story was in character. Good Job.

I know they are married haha. no idea why i put 'boyfriend' and not 'husband'. i know that now. and i didn't put jacob in because at the time i was a team edward fan but now i'm just like 'team nobody you stupid bella'. xD