Young Writers Society

When Candice was nine she over heard her parents that dad was moving out. Candice came into the room crying and saying that dad can’t leave because mom hated him and that Miranda and Lighting have been taken away, but Candice knew they were lying to her for five years for when her older friend, Lizzy had known that Candice’s mom and dad had given them away to other family’s, but before Lizzy could tell the rest of why she was an only child Candice stormed off home she was mad she didn'’t know her parents had to give them up.
That night after Candice’s parents went to bed Candice went to her room. But her parents came in to tuck her in. Then Candice said” Mom, why did Dad leave.”

“Candice, it’s hard to explain to you”
“Oh, ok good night mom”
“Night Candice sees you in the morning”
After her mom left the room, Candice got out of bed and got her favorite stuffed animal and said “Ana, I can’t live here any more I am going to run away from here and be famous one day.” Then Candice climbed out the window.
After Candice climbed out her window, she ran down the road but she stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When she went in her dad saw her and said “Candice?” But when Candice heard her dad she ran out of the store. As she was running she ran into a truck. But shadow was walking by and he saw Candice lying on the ground unconscious so he went to take her to his house. When she woke up she saw a sliver looking hedgehog and he said “hi there little girl”. Then he said “my name is silver the hedgehog, what’s yours?”
Then Candice said ”My name is Candice the wolf.”
Then Shadow walked in with me and the doctor. The doctor said she was fine and that she will be able to walk again in three days at the least. Then shadow said “So do you have a family, Candice.” Candice said “I used to.”

I'll review this tomorrow, right now I must sleep. Or maybe I'll ask an expert to review. I may do the opposite of giving good advice.

Hello, fellow YWS member I will be your reviewer today. The guy above me asked me to. But, I would have done it anyway.

When Candice was nine she over heard her parents say that dad was moving out. Candice came into the room crying and saying that dad can’t leave because mom hated him, and that Miranda and Lighting have been taken away, but Candice knew they were lying to her for five years for when her older friend, Lizzy had known that Candice’s mom and dad had given them away to other family’s, but before Lizzy could tell the rest of why she was an only child Candice stormed off home she was mad she didn'’t know her parents had to give them up.

The the things in red I added, and the words and apostrophe in blue should be omitted. And about the green, I think you meant "families" not "family's" The second sentence is so large that it definitely needs to be broken up into pieces.

That night after Candice’s parents went to bed, Candice went to her room. But her parents came in to tuck her in. Then Candice said” Mom, why did Dad leave.”

Again the things in red I added. And, the first sentence is confusing. Her parents went to bed and they tucked her in? Plus you have the words "went to" in the same sentence. The blue are obvious typos. And use "?" not "." like you did at the end of this paragraph.

“Candice, it’s hard to explain to you.”

You forgot to add a period.

“Oh, ok good night mom.”

"ok" is supposed to be in all caps "OK"

“Night Candice, sees you in the morning.”

Get rid of the "s"

After her mom left the room, Candice got out of bed and got her favorite stuffed animal and said, “Ana, I can’t live here any more I am going to run away from here and be famous one day.” Then Candice climbed out the window.

Always put a comma before someone speaks.

After Candice climbed out her window, she ran down the road, but she stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When she went in her dad saw her and said, “Candice?” But when Candice heard her dad she ran out of the store. As she was running she ran into a truck. But shadow was walking by and he saw Candice lying on the ground unconscious so he went to take her to his house. When she woke up she saw a sliver looking hedgehog and he said, “Hi there little girl”. Then he said “my name is silver the hedgehog, what’s yours?”

Perhaps instead of "but she stopped" you could use, "stopping" And always put ending punctuation marks inside the quotation marks. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS.

Then Candice said, ”My name is Candice the wolf.”

Then Shadow walked in with me and the doctor. The doctor said she was fine and that she will be able to walk again in three days at the least. Then shadow said “So do you have a family, Candice.” Candice said, “I used to.”

When did you change to first person?

-Have a wonderful day, Adrian.

hello candice. i would just want to make some comments.

first and foremost:

Candice came into the room crying and saying that dad can’t leave because mom hated him and that Miranda and Lighting have been taken away, but Candice knew they were lying to her for five years for when her older friend, Lizzy had known that Candice’s mom and dad had given them away to other family’s, but before Lizzy could tell the rest of why she was an only child Candice stormed off home she was mad she didn'’t know her parents had to give them up.

i think this sentence is a bit long. LARGE too. i can see that you describe a part of your story in just a sentence. try dividing it into parts, next time.

now for this part:

That night after Candice’s parents went to bed Candice went to her room. But her parents came in to tuck her in. Then Candice said” Mom, why did Dad leave?”

i think you forgot a question mark (?) on what candice said.


no periods. haha. and the "night candice" lacks a comma too, i guess. you should omit the "s" on the word "sees." keep an eye on that.

“Candice, it’s hard to explain to you.”
“Oh, OK good night Mom”
“Night Candice, see you in the morning.”

you should add a period or an exclamation point after she said she can't live in here anymore.

After her mom left the room, Candice got out of bed and got her favorite stuffed animal and said, “Ana, I can’t live here any more! I am going to run away from here and be famous one day.” Then Candice climbed out the window.

sliver should be silver. it's okay.

After Candice climbed out her window, she ran down the road but she stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When she went in her dad saw her and said “Candice?” But when Candice heard her dad she ran out of the store. As she was running she ran into a truck. But Shadow was walking by and he saw Candice lying on the ground unconscious so he went to take her to his house. When she woke up she saw a silver looking hedgehog and he said “Hi there little girl”. Then he said “My name is Silver the Hedgehog, what’s yours?”

wait... i thought his name is SILVER? then, who's SHADOW? or is SILVER the Hedgehog SHADOW'S pet? and why did she become a WOLF in a snap?

Then Candice said ”My name is Candice the Wolf.”
Then Shadow walked in with me and the doctor. The doctor said she was fine and that she will be able to walk again in three days at the least. Then Shadow said “So do you have a family, Candice?” Candice said “I used to.”

that's all.
enjoy your stay here.

`claron

Candice has all ways been a wolf, Shadow and Silver are hedgehogs and the person who is talking is Sonic