Young Writers Society

“Alex? What have you done?” I stared at my sister in complete shock. Blood stained the white dress that she wore. Knife in her hand, she stared back at me.
“What I had to do, Anna. Didn’t I?” Alex’s voice was strong, even though she had just killed someone, she stood strong.
I now heard my father’s car coming towards us, when I saw Alex’s face drop, I raced towards her. My arms cradled her , I could feel Rachel’s blood now making my white night gown damp.
“It’s going to be okay” I whisper in her ear.
Alex lets go and looks down at me, she nods.
Light brightens the front of our pretty white beach house; Dad’s Jeep is right in front of us.
He climbed out of his vehicle and run to us.
“My god, are you alri-” He starts.
“It’s Rachel Dad. Rachel started the fire” I quickly interrupt. “She killed Mom. She drugged me, she drugged Alex.” I grip my sister’s hand.
Confusion spreads all over my father’s face. “What?” He asks.
“Alex had to do it Dad, she saved us” My voice started to crack, what would they do to Alex for this?
He slowly stepped closer to us.
“Alex?” His head tilts to one side.
I shake Alex’s hand. “Tell him Alex!” I plead.
His hand reaches out towards me.
“Anna, what are you saying?”
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, the nervousness rushes through me.
“He can’t see it Anna, he never will” Alex whispers as she shakes her head in disappointment.
“You know what happened to Alex-” He holds out his hands, palms up.
“Tell him Alex!” I plead again.
“He’s making it up Anna, he’s lying!” Alex urges.
“Alex is gone Anna. Remember the fire? Alex is dead!” Father yells.
“No he’s lying!” Alex screams.
“What have you done to my Fiancé!” Dad screams.
I can’t speak. I lose my breath as I look down to see me holding a knife covered in blood. My father tries to grab me but I scream-
“Get away from me!”
Alex’s figure is in the distance, the shadows. I run to her but all I see is my reflection. All I see is the monster that I have become since the fire that killed my Mother and Sister, the fire that killed my life.

Pretty good! I noticied some punctuation issues (ex: "'It’s going to be okay' I whisper in her ear." You're missing a period or whatever you want/need at the end of her spoken sentence. Make sure to include that, as there is a huge difference between a sentence ending with ? and !)

It probably was just my lack of sleep, but I had trouble following along with what was happening in the story until the end. Try clearing some things up, or give hints that what I'm reading isn't really what's happening right now in the story.

Overall, nicely done.

Hey Smexay! Well, this piece was a tad confusing, but I still liked it -- especially the twist at the end! Frankly, I usually can't stand reading present-time stories, but this one was pretty good. There was one place where you oops'd and put:

Light brightens the front of our pretty white beach house; Dad’s Jeep is right in front of us.
He climbed out of his vehicle and run to us.

Climbed should be climbs, and run should be runs. Also, you don't need to put every sentence as a new line; it breaks up the flow.

I didn't really understand the part right here:

“He can’t see it Anna, he never will” Alex whispers as she shakes her head in disappointment.
“You know what happened to Alex-” He holds out his hands, palms up.
“Tell him Alex!” I plead again.
“He’s making it up Anna, he’s lying!” Alex urges.
“Alex is gone Anna. Remember the fire? Alex is dead!” Father yells.
“No he’s lying!” Alex screams.

What's he lying about? Was this all some sort of dream where Anna is convinced Alex is still alive (because you made it quite clear at the end that she was dead)? That whole part just confused me a little, the wording was less than perfectly clear.

But overall it was an enjoyable read! I can't really picture Anna, Alex, or the dad, and certainly to Rachel, but I like the image you painted in the very beginning about Alex's white dress being covered in blood. Very... I dunno; it's used a lot, but it's still a very vivid image! Loved it!

PM when the next part comes out
~Addict

I'm interested in learning the summary for this in order to see what you're trying to do with the fic. Usually I like to add in something I liked about the story in the beginning of the review, but so far this just looks like a prose transcript of the second to last scene of The Uninvited, which is why I think that having the summary at the start of the story would be beneficial. To make this clear, there's nothing wrong with the story, but I can't quite separate what is yours from what is the show.

I think it's a decent start to something, but without really knowing where you're going with it, it's harder to a give a review. I think that if this is a stand alone story, one getting into Anna's head during that pivotal scene, you need some more details. Flesh out the scene, adding in more of Anna's emotions and convictions. I mean, Anna truly believed that her sister was alive and that Rachel was a serial killer. During the start of that scene, Anna was completely disoriented and I think that would affect how she acted in your story. That being said, I do like how short the sentences were in that first line as it kind of lends to that disorientation.

But, I really think that you need to add more emotion to the piece in order to have it stand alone. I mean, this was a twist that I didn't see coming when I watched the movie, so I think that you need to get further into her head to impact your readers. Or else, it is really hard to separate your work from the movie.

Just imagine: you come home from the mental hospital, there's a ghost haunting you, your father is engaged to a woman that you later suspect to be a serial killer. Before this scene, you were drugged and convinced that you and your sister would be killed by the woman. You are terrified when you finally fall unconscious, yet slightly hopeful that your sister could do something (at least, I hope that I have this detail right, it's been a bit of time since I've seen the movie). You wake up later, worried and frantic, and you find a trail of blood. The trail leads you out of the house to where your sister is standing over a dumpster with a bloody knife. This is the start of your scene.

Your sister just killed someone. Your sister just took care of the threat against your family. Your sister just killed your dad's fiance. How do you react? Then your father comes home. How do you feel knowing all of this? Relief and worry flowing in your veins and then the look of horror on your father's face. You have to defend your sister, make your father understand. But, he doesn't seem to understand, he doesn't seem to see your sister at all. He tells you that she's dead and then you remember. You remember how it was your fault that the fire started, you meant to stop your father and Rachel's affair, but you set fire to the guest house instead. You remember that your sister went into the house after your mother. You realize that you sister is dead... and it was you all of the time. You were talking to no one and you even killed the boy you liked because he was about to destroy your reality. You killed Rachel.

With all of that behind this scene, you need emotion. I really do like the last paragraph, especially this last line:

All I see is the monster that I have become since the fire that killed my Mother and Sister, the fire that killed my life.

But, I still think that this could benefit from revealing more emotions, for both the people who have seen the movie and those who have not.

I think this also could be an interesting start of a longer story. Going further into the twistedness of how she created this whole thing in part because of how she hid away from what had happened, but also because of being in the mental hospital. I mean, she got the whole Rachel being a serial killer idea because she had actually met that serial killer in the mental hospital (though, I am now wondering if it was irony that got her put in with Mildren afterwards....). And that hint of how Anna is after the whole movie is interesting, she seems like a totally different person.

All in all, it has potential.

Smexaykk01 wrote:“Alex? What have you done?” I stared at my sister in complete shock. Blood stained the white dress that she wore. Knife in her hand, she stared back at me.
“What I had to do, Anna. Didn’t I?” Alex’s voice was strong, even though she had just killed someone, she stood strong.
I now heard my father’s car coming towards us, when I saw Alex’s face drop, I raced towards her. My arms cradled her , I could feel Rachel’s blood now making my white night gown damp.
“It’s going to be okay” I whisper in her ear.
Alex lets go and looks down at me, she nods.
Light brightens the front of our pretty white beach house; Dad’s Jeep is right in front of us.
He climbed out of his vehicle and run to us.
“My god, are you alri-” He starts.
“It’s Rachel Dad. Rachel started the fire” I quickly interrupt. “She killed Mom. She drugged me, she drugged Alex.” I grip my sister’s hand.
Confusion spreads all over my father’s face. “What?” He asks.
“Alex had to do it Dad, she saved us” My voice started to crack, what would they do to Alex for this?
He slowly stepped closer to us.
“Alex?” His head tilts to one side.
I shake Alex’s hand. “Tell him Alex!” I plead.
His hand reaches out towards me.
“Anna, what are you saying?”
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, the nervousness rushes through me.
“He can’t see it Anna, he never will” Alex whispers as she shakes her head in disappointment.
“You know what happened to Alex-” He holds out his hands, palms up.
“Tell him Alex!” I plead again.
“He’s making it up Anna, he’s lying!” Alex urges.
“Alex is gone Anna. Remember the fire? Alex is dead!” Father yells.
“No he’s lying!” Alex screams.
“What have you done to my Fiancé!” Dad screams.
I can’t speak. I lose my breath as I look down to see me holding a knife covered in blood. My father tries to grab me but I scream-
“Get away from me!”
Alex’s figure is in the distance, the shadows. I run to her but all I see is my reflection. All I see is the monster that I have become since the fire that killed my Mother and Sister, the fire that killed my life.

I enjyed this but i think it is too much like the uninvited i would add a different ending where alex isnt dead or there was no rachel or rachel was with her dad and she just thought sher killed rachel something like that