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Skins



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Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:16 pm
MysticalBlood says...



Ok... i'm a huge skins fan at the moment, just had to write a short fan fic about Tony ;)

*HUGE SPOILER*


Black, nothingness... i could see nothing. I wanted to move but my arms and legs would not budge. My first thought was, am I dead? But when i thought about it, how I could hear my sisters cries, how I could feel her soft touch against my skin as she held me tight; the sensation of slipping away, slipping away into a dark and empty ditch somewhere in my mind... I knew I could not be dead. Things were being etched from my memory, I was terrified. I had been talking on the phone to... to who exactly? Wait what? When was I talking on the phone? Why was I hearing nothing? Why couldn't I do anything? Why couldn't I...


A voice, a male voice; one that sounded eerily familiar, and yet I could not place it.
"You gave us a right scare Tony..." the voice said. "I wish you'd wake up, the doctors told us you won't remember much, how to do things right. But it's OK because I'll be here for you. I'll help you when you need help because I'm your best mate. Please just wake up... not just for me Tony. For all of us, Maxxie, Jal... you know..."
What was this person talking about? Who were these people he was naming? So many questions I wanted to ask and yet my god damn eyes would not open. Neither would my mouth... and I wanted to know where I was! I wanted to ask whoever it was that was sat by me to tell me exactly where I was, what I was doing here and why I couldn't move!


Again I found myself hearing more voices, one sounded feminine and young. It was vaguely familiar, but it was not the same person as before. This was... my sister?
"Effy?" I wanted to say, but no sound escaped my lips. Frustration and anger boiled inside of me, I felt pissed off at the world for trapping me like this. Scared shitless.
"Tony..." Effy said, and then I could hear no more...


Finally, I could feel my eyes begin to open, but no one was nearby. There was no one to talk to. That's what I thought anyway. I felt terrified, I wanted to know everything. There was so much I wanted to know but couldn't ask for the answers. As I felt the heavy weight on my eyelids dissappear, I saw for the first time in what seemed like months. There were strange wires and straps attached to me, and as I looked around, I saw something of a hospital type room. Hospital? What? What the...
"TONY!" Somebody shrieked from nearby, hands stroked my cheeks and a young girl's face appeared in my sight.
"Effy?" I croaked, but it sounded more like "effuffuy".
That didn't seem to matter to her as her long black curls fell from the side of her face.
I felt a strange joy in seeing her, but I could not be sure why... I wanted answers... and now.

**** "Tell me," I croaked, wincing from the agonising pain gnawing in my throat.
"You were... you were hit by a bus! I couldn't do anything... I..."
Effy's cheeks were streaked with tears and her lips pulled down into a sad grimace.
"Effy, who was it that was talking to me before?" That was a good start, a good start to who had been visiting me as well as Effy. The bus could wait, I needed to know about the boy. "He said he was my best friend but I don't even know who it was..."
Effy pulled away from me. She sat down by my side and gripped my hand tighter than I expected. "You don't remember?" She asked, she looked confused.
"I don't know what I should remember... who was it?"
"He's your best friend Tony! He's called Sid!"
Sid? I had a best friend called Sid? I still do? My mind had forgotten bits of me, I'd forgotten alsorts of things and it was so frustrating. Not even knowing my best friend, even trying to picture his face and not seeing anything was driving me crazy!
"I want to see him. I want Sid," I said. If he was my best friend, maybe if I saw him I'd remember. Definitley.
As I looked into Effy's blue eyes, I saw doubt and a little bit of hope. Did that mean Sid wouldn't come? Sid had better come! I needed him! If he was my best friend then I needed him!
"You should wait for a while, wait just a bit..." Effy said as she wiped tears from her eyes.
"No, I want Sid!" I cried, I opened my mouth to shout again, but a painful shock stabbed my chest. Coughing, lots of coughing, painful coughing. Muffled cries and shouts and yells, hands groping at me... slipping away, tuning out of the world. Black clouds covering my vision, senses vanishing, emptiness... sleeping. Gone.
Last edited by MysticalBlood on Tue Apr 27, 2010 10:38 am, edited 2 times in total.
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  





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Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:41 pm
Sins says...



I just had to review this. As you can see by my username, I am obsessed with Skins :wink:

Black, nothingness... I could see nothing... I wanted to move but my arms and legs would not budge. My first thought was, am I dead? But when I thought about it, how I could hear my sisters cries, how I could feel her soft touch against my skin as she held me tight. As I had the sensation of slipping away... slipping away into a dark and empty ditch somewhere in my mind... I knew I could not be dead. I liked this. Things were being etched from my memory, I was terrified. I had been talking on the phone to... to who exactly? Wait what? When was I talking on the phone? Why was I hearing nothing? Why couldn't I do anything? Why couldn't I...
The grammar and layout of this sentence was kind of 'iffy'. You like to use '...' don't you? :wink: I liked some of the descriptions though. You just need the layout to be a bit simpler.

A voice, a male voice... one that sounded eerily familiar, and yet I could not place it.

"You gave us a right scare Tony..." the voice said. "I wish you'd wake up, the doctors told us you won't remember much, how to do things right... but it's OK because I'll be here for you. I'll help you when you need help because I'm your best mate. Please just wake up... not just for me Tony... but all of us, Maxxie Woop! Maxxie! I have an obsession. :smt001 , Jal... you know..."

What was this person talking about? Who were these people he was naming? So many questions I wanted to ask and yet my god damn eyes would not open. Neither would my mouth... and I wanted to know where I was! I wanted to ask whoever it was that was sat by me to tell me exactly where I was, what I was doing here and why I couldn't move!

Again I found myself hearing more voices, one sounded feminine and young. Familiar... again... but not the same person as before... this was... my sister?

"Effy?" I wanted to say, but no sound escaped my lips. Frustration and anger boiled inside of me, I felt pissed off at the world for trapping me like this. Scared shitless... Classic Tony :lol:
"Tony..." Effy said, and then I could hear no more...

Finally, I could feel my eyes begin to open, but no one was nearby... no one to talk to. That's what I thought anyway. I saw where I was finally for the first time. There were strange wires and straps attached to me, and as I looked around, I saw something of a hospital type room. Hospital? What? What the...

"TONY!" Somebody shrieked from nearby, hands stroked my cheeks and a young girl's face appeared in my sight.

"Effy?" I croaked, but it sounded more like "effuffuy".

That didn't seem to matter to her as her long black curls fell from the side of her face.

I felt a strange joy in seeing her, but I could not be sure what had happened... I wanted answers... and now.


Overall

This was quite good! I know what your describing as well. Massive Spoiler =
Spoiler! :
After the bus accident? :wink:


Anyway, my main nit-pick is the fact that you use '...' a bit too often. It's good for dramatic effect but if you use it all of the time, it just gets annoying. In some places you should replace them with commas, others with semi colons, and others with periods. Also, you sometimes forget to capitalize 'I'

I wanted answers... and now.

For example, this would be better as I wanted answers; now. It's just easier to read and a lot more pleasing on the eyes.

Another slight issue I had was the fact that I didn't really feel connected to Tony. Although, this might just be me being picky. I'm one of these people who find it annoyingly hard to feel connected to characters. I do think that you need to make the readers feel more sympathetic towards Tony though. If you made this longer, that might help? You could be more detailed then.

Except for these nit-picks, I did quite enjoy this. It was rather short but I was still glad I read it. I really liked some of the descriptive sentences; the one I highlighted in blue, for example. With a bit of work, I really do think that this could be a very good piece of writing!

Hm... I might do a Skins fanfic... as long as that's okay with you :lol:

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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109 Reviews



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Mon Apr 26, 2010 8:25 pm
MysticalBlood says...



ha ha yeah i know it wasn't perfect, i was writing it on here because i couldn't really be bothered to open up miscrosoft word. :P and plus i had about 10 mins to write so this is basically just a quick draft, i'm skins mad right now, absolutely cookoo for it. watched all of skins series 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 i think in just under 2 weeks. and even now i'm rewatching some of the episodes... some including *Spoiler* maxxie and tony kissing. ;)

I've written some more, read from the star. ;)
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  





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1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Tue Apr 27, 2010 4:18 pm
Sins says...



Hey again Mystic 8)

I'm happy that you've made this longer, it definitely works a lot better! You've cleared some things up as well. The Sid part, for example. Well done for that. :wink:

My only slight critique now though is that Tony seems to really want Sid. I know that this is because he wants to remember, but it seems a bit extreme. It comes across as though he does remember Sid and wants to see him because he misses him or something. Maybe you could sort that out? For example, don't make him start calling out for Sid.

I'm blabbering on now :lol:

Anyway, I'm still glad I read this again!

Keep writing

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





User avatar
109 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11052
Reviews: 109
Tue Apr 27, 2010 4:28 pm
MysticalBlood says...



okie doke, your review is helpful. ;) i'm trying to brush up on things, and i'm refreshing my memory by watching the first ep of second series. ;)
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  








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