Young Writers Society

May I just say here and not i'm not crazy about the series. There's only a handful of characters I like (Jasper and Alice, Emmett, a couple shapeshifters, that's about it) so I shall write this story with them in mind ^^. Hope you enjoy. I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters/plot. This fanfic has it's own plot and new characters/organizations which I DO own. I shall try to keep Meyer's chars in check but I will not use her writing style, mainly for the perservation of my sanity since every writer is different. Thank you for being kind and understanding.
*********

Two weeks ago at the Brotherhood of Life headquarters
The Hokkiado Mountains, Japan
~~
“Isabella Swan is an idiot.”

Beside her, Takeshi Watari, her sensei of three years, nodded in agreement. “Hai but it is our duty to protect such idiots like her Amaya-chan.” He clicked the pause button on the remote; the tape slowed to a stop, freezing on the frame of Swan with her monster in the school parking lot.

Amaya looked at her sensei, calmly awaiting commands, chin raised, hands folded neatly while she kneeled on the velvet cushion. Her sensei was one of the best senseis within the Brotherhood of Life; the many shimmering scars all over his heavily muscular body could attest to how many vampires he had killed. Even now, the Western business suit he wore did little to hide the hideous scars that trailed over his neck and face; train tracks with no appear destination. It gave her sensei the appearance of a dangerous vagrant; all the more reason the council members within the Brotherhood used him as a diplomat. Would an average sized person who probably only visits the gym for a once a month date argue with a bald, muscular, scarred man past 6’4’?

Watari-sensei cleared his throat, turning his dark brown eyes to her. “The Council has agreed to send some of our finest warriors,” he rumbled in his naturally booming voice, “warriors who will not hesitate to slay the blood sucking monsters, such as you. You shall have command over a five person unit to free the town of Forks, Washington, U.S. Japan here has been freed from such a horrid disgrace since the 400s. It is time we expand our power to the Western Hemisphere.”

Amaya nodded. “May I ask who shall accompany me Watari-sensei?” she asked, bowing her head ever so slightly. Strands of hair flirted into her eyes and inwardly she cursed for not making her bun tighter. But Amaya refused to brush them away; she could worry about her looks when she wasn’t on business.

“Daichi shall be your second in charge. You may pick the other three now and they shall be ready for travel within the hour.”

Amaya nodded, her mind whirling with choices. Everyone here at in this temple would love to kill the kyuuketsuki-the vampire as foreigners would call it- but many of the people within Amaya’s mind were still in training. Not even a full fledge graduate like herself. The only two warriors she could think have on her skill level of combat was the Tokyo orphan Urameshi Katashi and the pickpocket Shinamori Haru.

“I think Urameshi Katashi and Shinamori Haru will be excellent cellmates,” Amaya said slowly, still thinking over her final choice. The three men she’d chosen were all excellent fighters; confident, willing and capable to take over should something happen. But she’d need someone demure, someone who their target {since obviously Swan had been stupid enough to tangle herself into a whole nest of those vipers} might feel inclined to help because of the “helpless” aura she was trained to give off. “What do you think of Yuzuki Watari-sensei?”

Watari-sensei gave a silent shrug. “Yuzuki would be an excellent choice if one of the targets is a ‘gentleman’ so to speak. But she is still in training is she not? And her status…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Is there anyone else?”

“None with Yuzuki’s gift.”

Watari-sensei sighed. “Then if you must Amaya-chan... you must,” he replied softly. “Remember though, you do not want to place such terrible pressure on her. She has too much compassion for this.”

Amaya nodded. “I understand sir. The first kill is usually the hardest. But have no fear. We shall anilate the Cullens off the face of the Earth. Just like we were born to do.”

I was a 'lil thrown off from the "twilight fanfic" at first but I am really glad I came in to read this! IT IS REALLY THE BEST THING I HAVE READ SO FAR, ON THIS SITE.

Hi, I'm puffycherry but you can call my Chrissie! I must commend you one this; not only is it a good length but it is a very good story with spread through information. It isn't clumped and thrown at us to read. I truly like this in stories!

Hey there!

I'm not a fan of the Twilight series, but I really liked this. It took the vampire vibe to an entirely new, entirely not-lame level. I think the concept for this is brilliant. I would suggest not making this a fan-fic, but that's just me. I think you could do a lot with this by making it all your own.

I honestly have nothing bad to say. I can usually pick out something, but everything here was excellent. Your pacing, characters, descriptions were all written very well, and your writing style (thank goodness) is so much better than Stephanie Meyer (is that how you spell her name?).

Keep writing!

Classy

hey,

I am not a die hard fan of twilight series like mostly people are, but your fanfic was obviously a very nice one. Everything was perfect, the explanation, the length, the character description. I would like to read more.

keep writing!

I hate Twilight.

And I love you.

Okay, moving on to the official review! Ahem...

You do wonderfully here, overall. But your descriptions on the characters are bordering on info-dump. It doesn't help that they're solid paragraphs either. Break things up a bit.

Also, your voice seems kind of passive. That's not a good style to go with. You need to make your word choice kind of exciting. Plus, vary your sentences so that every sentence is not LONG, or SHORT.

Variety is good. And so is action and suspense. I just told you the three necessary things to be a good writer. Remember this.

GRADE: B

Ross,
I actually love the Twilight series a lot. And when I read the first few lines I was disturbed at what I was reading. But as I continued (i never leave anything unfinished) I realized what a phenomenal job you did. I have a few nit picks, but who doesn't?

Would an average sized person who probably only visits the gym for a once a month date argue with a bald, muscular, scarred man past 6’4’?

This sentence really confused me. It reads funny if you don't know how it's supposed to read. Reword it maybe.

But Amaya refused to brush them away; she could worry about her looks when she wasn’t on business.

The whole story is her sensei plotting out the destruction of the Cullens and ordering her what to do. That sounds like she's on business to me. But maybe it's just me.

You did a great job with this piece.

Ok so this sounds so much better than my twilight saga story only in a different way. Where mine was for the Cullens yours was agianst them. This is pretty awesome I must admit it. I could find many mistakes other than here and there you missed commas and stuff. Overall though, I thought this was pretty interesting. I can't really think of anything else to say. Other than continue please.
Maith adh,
Celtic