Young Writers Society

Lost at sea

As I woke up one normal morning to the sound of the calming waves and the cries of the morning sea gulls above, I knew today was going to be an adventures one. I went to explore all around my new world looking for others of my kind, but had no luck. There were no sea turtles in sight. I live in the Barrier reef at coral bay with the nautilus and cuttle fish. It seemed to be the place you would find a sea turtle but I guess it wasn't because there was none but me. When a sea turtle egg is layed its an instinct to hatch and follow the moon to the open sea to find others,but I hatched late and my brothers and sisters were already gone. Every day I get up and travel around the wonders of the sea looking for others but never have luck. But today seemed lucky! Today I was going to find them. I left the barrier reef in search of some food so I swam toward the fringing reef where the best kelp and other good foods where and had a satisfying breakfast. The only thing about this reef was you have to be careful. If your not you could get taken by the human kind and never return. When I went out into the ocean to find others I saw something in the distance. It seemed dark and mysterious. I know my instinct told me I shouldn't but I had to see what it was. So I traveled over and it was an oceanic trench. One of the biggest I had ever seen! I must have been 10,000 feet deep! I had to check it out to see what was down there. Who knows it could even be other sea turtles. So I started to travel down and as I got further it got darker and much colder. But I saw a little light it was so bright and pretty I just wanted to see what it was. It started to move and I tried to catch it but it was fast. Finally I grab it and there it was the scariest thing I have ever seen,an angler fish! It swam at lightning speed trying to catch me and I knew this was the end! But then I saw another thing, a brighter light it was an exit! Joy came to my mind and I darted toward it with excitement and noticed it was gone, the angler fish was gone out of sight! So I calmed down and rested on a bed of sea kelp and just dreamed of finding more sea turtles. I didn't know where I was and was scared. Something scary may find me before I get home. I didn't know how long I was asleep,all I knew was I was moving. But I don't remember leaving the kelp bed. I woke up to find what I was laying on was moving I looked closer at it and there it was I was on the back of a mother sea turtle! With joy I look around to see not only her but millions of them! They were all in a current going to warmer waters. Finally I knew I found my true home.

Hi!

So, I see that you just joined YWS! Welcome! How are you enjoying it so far? Anyway, to your story! For one, I'm a little confused as to why this was in fan-fiction. I couldn't really see any relation to other stories-maybe there was a little of Finding Nemo with the sea turtles-but overall, this feels like an original piece. Maybe if the characters were defined a bit more, it would have a place in fan-fiction-as the genre is for clear representations of published stories-but right now I think it could belong fine in the general fiction board.

One thing I want to mention before I get to the plot and characters is that you should probably divide this up into paragraphs. Having it all as one massive block of text can make things rather intimidating for anyone who comes along to read it. Paragraphs are for grouping together related thoughts in any kind of prose. You should break to a new line and indent(press the tab key), and do the same thing once you get to a new paragraph. Some people, especially on literary boards such as these, don't indent and just skip a line. Whatever works for making your work presentable on this board is good.

As it is, the plot is not very exciting. It felt somewhat sluggish, and I think that that is mostly due to the first person narration. A lot of people have dabbled in the animals-as-main characters genre, and have done so successfully, although they usually do so in third person. The way the mind of an animal, especially a wild one that has not had the pleasure of being around humans and seeing how they behave, is much different then the mind of a human.

Although they have clear feelings and behavior, the way that they think can be very different. For instance, they wouldn't necessarily know that their siblings are actually their siblings, but they would more get a sense that they have a close bond. Also, the encounter with the fish-the sea turtle wouldn't know the name of the species. How could he? It would just appear as a scary and menacing creature to him. He wouldn't know what his species is called-he would just know that there were others similar to him.

I think you could definitely pull it off, though. You just have to really consider the minority of information that this turtle would be exposed to. Does he have a true concept of time? Or is it just the time "when brightness comes again"? Once you get past that, I think the plot just needs a lot more layering. His encounter with the angler fish is barely glanced over. That is a moment for some true excitement and action the piece-the rest is just exposition and him searching-so you should really try to really take advantage of that. What does his instinct tell him to do?

I think your ending is pretty good, though. It really makes you feel good that he's finally reached those like him. You've told us enough at the beginning, and although his development isn't that complex-he's a sea turtle.

I don't know how much, if any, research you did on sea turtles prior to starting this story. This is really what this seems to be about-the life of a sea turtle. Read up on everything you can find about the creatures. Learn about what they eat, what their daily patterns, their predators, etc. You may be asking why you would need to research for a creative story. Take a look at this really good article called The Value of Research. To sum up the points of the article, the more authentic and real something seems, the better we'll be able to relate to it and care. This is because we'll know that the things that you write are things that are actually happening, not loose interpretations of what you think is happening.

Good luck with this! I can't wait to see where it can potentially lead. PM me if you post a revised version of this, and/or if you have any questions, okay?

-Elinor xo

Hello. Welcome to YWS! Firstly, I'd like to say, like Elinor, this piece neeeds to be devied up into paragraphs. When I first opened it, I almost clicked out of it because it was just a giant block staring at me. Its really intimidating for a reader if they're wanting to be able to read things smoothly and all they have is this giant block of letters staring them in the face.

Overall, I think you have a nice story, but also like Elinor, I don't see the fanfiction part in this. But good job overall =]