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Young Writers Society


The Lost Paperboy



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Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:31 pm
EliteHusky says...



Timothy woke up before the sun emerged over the little town on Tirt. He lived by himself in a one-storey building he had inherited after his father was killed in a car crash. His mother had met the same fate eleven years earlier.

Life was tragic for Timothy. He was twelve, wore a red beret, and made his living by delivering newspapers to his neighbours on Ire Street. With little education from his father and the diagnosis of Typhus when he was ten, Timothy continuously forced himself to learn one new English word every day to make the most of his spare time. As Timothy slowly dressed, ate, and treated his spots, the sound of silence was painful to accept.

Twenty minutes later he arrived to the town office where copies of the Tirt Times were placed after publishing. As he opened the steel door to enter the brick establishment, the lighting, or rather lack of lighting, immediately convinced Timothy that he had arrived before the staff.

“Hmm…” He murmured out loud. “I wonder if I should wait outside?”

As if on cure, the door behind him slammed shut with such velocity that large particles of dust from the high ceiling fell to the ground. He immediately started running towards the side exit. He rushed past the unoccupied cubicles ladened with stacked documents and, much to his relief, approached the side exit. The wooden floor beneath him creaked as he slowly walked towards the exit, looking around him for any signs of movement.

A black cat crawled comfortably into the alleyway besides the brick building. As it approached the pile of garbage, its ears perked at the sound of footsteps. Fleeing into the rubble, the cat looked on as a young spotted boy with short brown hair under a red hat, opened the side door, which often felt cold to its body. His left foot touched the concrete outside but before the other foot could follow suit, a black hand dragged the boy back in. The door closed.

In London, Sherlock Holmes sat across his writing table with enough space between him and the object that he could comfortably rest a tray of food Watson had brought him, on his lap. There was a gentle knock on the door of his room followed by the sound of a light object being dropped, and footsteps departing. Placing the tray on the table, Holmes opened the door to retrieve today’s newspaper. He retreated to his pipe chair, so called after Watson had pointed out his consistent but unintentional habit of always smoking his pipe in that chair.

“Man wins lottery, Man sues child, no. Oh here we go… Watson!”

The sound of hurried footsteps was quickly followed by Dr. Watson entering the room, breathing heavily.

“I was just downstairs when I heard you shout Holmes. I hope I didn’t I come too late, is it your health?”

Much to Holmes’s amusement and pleasure, Watson was once again putting his friend’s health before his own.

“You are in the nick of time!” Holmes replied before adding, “My health has not declined although if you plan to stay downstairs, to ensure my safety after those recent childish death threats, you must be climatized to my actions!”

Watson sat down in the chair Holmes had previously occupied.

“I trust you have found another case?”

“On the contrary, my dear Watson, the case has found me.”

Holmes handed the newspaper to Watson, as Watson read the headlines out loud.

“Man wins lottery. Man sues child… but Holmes these are just daily events, save the lawsuit against the infant!”

“Not so fast Watson, continue reading the headlines out loud if you please.”

Holmes sat back and observed his friend retrieve his reading glasses from the table’s drawer.

“Let’s see…” Watson resumed, “Sherlock Holmes is wanted in murder of paperboy! Sherlock Holmes is wanted after police in Tirt found his initialled pipe at the scene of a murder. The paperboy was found dead in Tirt’s office of the representative from London. A position delegated to Sherlock Holmes as acknowledgment for his service to the community of Tirt. Robert Moriarty, bastard son of the late James Moriarty, commented to local police on scene that Holmes’s lack of a wife has made him go insane. Another man has confessed to police that he was acting on Holmes’s orders after a series of written threats! Robert Moriarty is also accusing Holmes of murdering his father, and plans to raise the issue with the London Court of Law this autumn after this case in Tirt has been closed. A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Mr. Sherlock Holmes effective this the seventh day of July 1913!”

Watson glanced at Holmes. “I think you have some explaining to do.”

Holmes rose from his chair. He solemnly turned around, looked out of the window and in a low voice murmured, “does the world not know friend from foe?”

A gunshot pierced the glass.
Last edited by EliteHusky on Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:37 pm
Junglelover says...



Hi Elite!


His mother had met the same fate thirteen years earlier.

Life was tragic for Timothy. He was twelve,

Okay, If Timothy is twelve, and his mother died thirteen years ago, how dose that work? You know?

He immediately started running towards the side exit.

Why is he running?


young spotted boy

What do you mean bye, 'spotted'?


A black cat crawled comfortably into the alleyway besides the brick building. As it approached the pile of garbage, its ears perked at the sound of footsteps. Fleeing into the rubble, the cat looked on as a young spotted boy with short brown hair under a red hat, opened the side door, which often felt cold to its body. His left foot touched the concrete outside but before the other foot could follow suit, a black hand dragged the boy back in. The door closed.


This whole paragraph is confusing. It's like you're talking about the cat, then you're talking about the boy.


In London, Sherlock Holmes sat across his writing table with enough space between him and the object that he could comfortably rest a tray of food Watson had brought him, on his lap.


I would change it to, 'In London, Sherlock Holmes sat across his writing table with enough space between him and the object that he could comfortably rest a tray of food on his lap, Watson had brought him.

Placing the tray on the table, Holmes opened the door to retrieve today’s newspaper.

You have said nothing about Sherlock getting up to open the door. I don't know if that's really necessary, or not.

Watson sat down in the chair Holmes had previously occupied.


Okay, so is there two, or more chairs in the room? You didn't say anything about Sherlock sitting in a different chair, or getting up.

Holmes sat back and observed his friend retrieve his reading glasses from the table’s drawer.

You never said that he got up.

“does the world not no friend from foe?”

I think you mean 'know' not 'no'.

You need to take a little more time on reading your book over, and see if it makes sense to you before posting.
Or you can just leave it like that for people to review. :D
Everybody needs something to review, even if it's something small.

I like it so far! I never really read any mystery before, If you call it that.


Hoped I helped! Sorry if I sound mad, or anything like that, I don't mean too.

Jungle
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:08 pm
Evi says...



Hey EliteHusky, Evi here!

So, this was pretty lukewarm. Firstly, it's hardly ever a good idea to start a story with a character waking up, because it's been done so many times before (and "sun" isn't capitalized, by the way). I like that you've made Timothy an interesting character, but rather than telling us his tragic life history in the first two paragraphs, consider sprinkling that background information throughout the narrative. Otherwise it's an uninteresting and irrelevant info-dump. If you bring up the description when it matters, it'll seem like a smoother transition.

Next, people really don't talk aloud unless they're mumbling to themselves. Him saying "Hmmm, I wonder if I should wait outside?" seems forced and unnatural, and you could just as easily mention that within his thoughts.

the open door behind him slammed shut


You don't have to say "open" door-- the fact that it's slamming shut implies that it was previously open.

Here, I think it was a bit odd that he takes off running full-speed the moment the door shuts. Normally someone would jump, startled, maybe whirl around and breathe heavily for a moment, listening for any noise, wondering if it was just the wind. But Timothy takes off without a moment's consideration or hesitation. And then, after running full-speed, he stops and starts to walk slowly? It's just not a natural reaction. Put yourself in the situation.

The door closed.

In London, Sherlock Holmes sat across his writing table with enough space between him and the object that he could comfortably rest a tray of food Watson had brought him, on his lap.


Hmm. Pretty abrupt scene transition, don't you think? Consider adding asterisks (***) to show that we're going into a new scene and setting.

The sound of hurried footsteps were quickly followed by Dr. Watson entering the room, breathing heavily.


Subject-verb agreement dictates that, since the subject (sound) is singular, the verb (were) needs to be "was".

:arrow: Overall

Interesting! Work on your dialogue, though-- it seems rather stiff right now. When a character is addressing another character directly, remember to put a comma before or after their name. Example:

“I was just downstairs when I heard you shout Holmes. I hope I didn’t I come too late, is it your health?”


Comma before "Holmes"; you do this a couple of times throughout the story. And the red comma needs to be a semi-colon. Here's and article on the use of semi-colons.

Finally, the main thing I'm missing here is any emotion or reaction from the character whose Point of View we're witnessing. Even though this is third person, that doesn't mean you have to entirely disconnect from your character. What is Timothy feeling as he makes his way through the dark room? Was he surprised that the news staff wasn't there yet? You'd think he'd know their opening time and schedule, if he worked there. What is his reaction to the cat? And then, in the second portion, Holmes hardly registers the fact that he's being framed for murder. Yes, sure, Sherlock Holmes is known for keeping his cool, but I'd like to see some amount of surprise or disdain. It's a serious accusation!

Oh, and is this really a short story? I think it belongs in Fanfiction Novels, because surely you don't mean to end it there. Please PM me if this is indeed a first segment/chapter so I can move it to the appropriate forum. ;)

Keep writing, best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:51 pm
SporkPunk says...



Hey Elite! SporkPunk here for a review :)

I read this, and this version seems to be different from the one the others read. So, overall, I liked this piece. The concept is fairly original, and while it's quite the cliche to start a story when a character wakes up, it's cliche because it works. That said, a different angle would make it a bit more refreshing. Timothy is definitely an interesting character. And I've only read a tiny bit of Sherlock, so I can't say much about how well you've preserved their relationship as compared to Doyle's works. The grammar is much better in this version, and I don't really have any negative comments.

Keep Writing!

-Sporks
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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