Young Writers Society

“I’m off to work.” My husband, Jake, said, kissing me on the forehead.

I groaned, “We barely see each other anymore, Jake.” He worked days as a mechanic at his dad's Since "dad" isn't being used as a proper noun, you wouldn't capitalize. It's the same idea as "his brother's" in that you wouldn't capitalize "brother." shop and nights on the reservation. He didn’t even know I had been sick ever since the honeymoon. I was always tired and most foods made me nauseated. But I think that was Tenses need to be the same. partly due to Jake’s horrible cooking, and when I say horrible, I mean horrible. His macaroni and cheese tasted like overcooked noodles with string cheese sprayed over them.
When new speakers speak, you must start a new paragraph.

“I know Nessie; I promise I’ll be home early tonight.” I looked at him; we both knew he had no control over his plans. You need a semi-colon or some other way to not have this be a run-on. He kissed me quickly Since you're modifying "kissed" you would use the adverb form of "quick." and left. I got dressed and went to Carlisle’s mansion.

“Hey Ness, are you feeling any better?” my dad asked.

“Not really,” I sighed. Typically, and in this situation, dialogue is ended with a comma rather than a period. I looked over at Alice. Her You had "he" which was a typo. face was blank…she must be having a vision. My dad gasped, he must have heard Alice’s vision through her mind.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking between my dad and Alice.

“Renesmee…you’re-- You need a way to separate the two "you're" words. Hyphens work well to simulate stopping of speech. you’re pregnant.” Alice said breathlessly.

My eyes went wide, this couldn’t be happening. “No…I can’t be. That’s impossible.” I looked at my dad and mom; again, the same thing I said about preventing run-ons. xD they didn’t seem too happy.

“Well, I just saw you holding a baby who had your eyes,” Alice snapped; she didn’t like it when people questioned her abilities. Oh. My. Gosh.

“Congratulations,” Emmett said, with a huge grin on his face. I didn’t know if I wanted to be congratulated, I couldn’t be a mother yet. Jake wouldn’t even have time to help take care of a baby with his schedule. A tear escaped from my eye, mostly out of shock.

My mom came up and hugged me. “Do you want to go talk?” she asked, trying to make sense out of my expression. I nodded before walking out of the house. We went to the meadow where my father and she went mostly before they were married. I sat down in what seemed like the dead center. Okay, so I don't like this part much. The dialogue is completely buried in the paragraph, which makes things weird.

“What’s wrong? I figured you’d be happy about having a baby.” She said sitting down next to me. I'm married, and now I’m pregnant. Jake’s never home either and I miss him so much.” Another tear fell from my eye.

“Your life is going to slow down now,” She wiped the tears off my face.

“Yeah, but Jake’s still never home, he’s always working. Will he have time to help take care of a baby?”

“Renesmee,” she sighed. “I’m sure Jake will slow down his schedule once he gets the news, and don’t forget you’ve got a whole house of family members willing to help out.” My momsaid, once again wiping the tears. I deleted the other "again" because it was redundant. I hated crying; it showed my weaknesses. Watch out for verb tense agreement.I wished Jake was the one here with me right now telling me everything’s going to be okay.

"It’s just a lot to process. I’m going to have to keep the baby in mind with everything I do now, and I miss Jake a lot. I’ve barely seen him in the past two weeks,” I sobbed.

“I know why you don’t go to repair shop and give him the news?” my mom asked.

"He's supposed to be coming home early tonight. I'll just tell him then," I sighed. I guess I should've gone to the repair shop and told him. I looked at the clock; it was 11 PM and Jake still wasn't home. I called his cell phone. It rang a couple of times but went to voicemail. I knew he was with the pack, so if he was hurt I would've been called by now. I was staying the night at my parent’s house because I didn't want to be home alone tonight. My mom and dad left me alone for the most part, probably because Dad read my thoughts and knew right now wasn't the time to talk. I felt lonely. I knew it was ridiculous, but I did. I was a married woman who hadn't had a conversation lasting more than five minutes with her husband in two weeks. I let out a couple of tears before falling asleep.

I woke up the next morning with a headache instead of the usual morning sickness. I said good morning to my parents before leaving for my house. I realized while runningthat It didn't make sense otherwise. staying the night there might not have been the best idea since Jake left Tenses. for work early. I opened the door to see Jake standing right behind it.

"What's wrong? Your dad refused to tell me why you stayed at his house last night," he said in a low voice, hugging me.

"The fact that I have a husband who I haven't talked to in two weeks, and doesn't pick up the phone when he's out at 11 pm," I said, intending to make him feel guilty.

"I'm sorry," he said, hugging me tighter. "Sam kept me late last night and I was in wolf form so I left my cell in the car. Billy called and told me not to come in to work today, and I'm glad he did." Without the and it was a run-on.

I sighed. "Jake, something has to change soon; you’re going to have to be home more."

He looked at me. "I know, I told Billy to go ahead and hire another mechanic so I could spend more time with you." I forgot I hadn't told him about the pregnancy issue for a minute.
"Jake, I don't mean for me, yesterday Alice had a vision." I waited.

"Of?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant." I whispered. His whole body went still and he tensed up. I thought my reaction was bad.

"No," he whispered so lightly I could barely hear it. I stayed silent, not expecting this reaction from him. Why was he so tense? Did he not want to be home that often? Did he just not want a baby? A million question and thoughts ran through my head.

Klpidnc12 wrote:I have over 3 versions of this story. I can't read my writing, it drives me crazy. I wouldn't say that this is an edited version of my previous post because I started this from scratch, this is about half of what I wrote. Please review even if you don't like the story I could use all the help I can get Enjoy

“I’m off to work.” My husband Jake said kissing me on the forehead. I groaned “We barely see each other anymore Jake.” He worked days as a mechanic at his Dad's shop and nights on the reservation. He didn’t even know I had been sick ever since the honeymoon. I was always tired and most foods made me nauseated. But I think that is partly due to Jake’s horrible cooking, and when I say horrible I mean horrible. His macaroni and cheese tasted like overcooked noodles with string cheese sprayed over them. “I know Nessie; I promise I’ll be home early tonight.” I looked at him we both knew he had no control over his plans. He kissed me quick and left. I got dress and went to Carlisle’s mansion. “Hey Ness, are you feeling any better?” my Dad asked. “Not really.” I sighed. I looked over at Alice he face was blank… she must be having a vision. My Dad gasped, he must have heard Alice’s vision through her mind. “What’s wrong?” I asked looking between my Dad and Alice. “Renesmee…you’re COMMA you’re pregnant.” Alice said breathlessly. My eyes went wide, this couldn’t be happening. “No…I can’t be. That’s impossible.” I looked at my Dad and Mom they didn’t seem too happy. “Well I just saw you holding a baby who had your eyes.” Alice snapped she didn’t like it when people questioned her abilities. Oh. My. Gosh. “Congratulations.” Emmett said with a huge grin on his face. I didn’t know if I wanted to be congratulated, I couldn’t be a mother yet. Jake wouldn’t even have time to help take care of a baby with his schedule. A tear escaped from my eye mostly out of shock. My mom came up and hugged me “Do you want to go talk?” she asked trying to make sense out of my expression. I nodded before walking out of the house. We went to the meadow where my father and she went mostly before they were married. I sat down in what seemed like the dead center.
“What’s wrong? I figured you’d be happy about having a baby.” She said sitting down next to me. ADD "I married, and now I’m pregnant. Jake’s never home either and I miss him so much.” Another tear fell from my eye. “Your life is going to slow down now.” She wiped the tears off my face. “Yea but Jake’s still never home, he’s always working. Will he have time to help take care of a baby?” “Renesmee.” She sighed. “I’m sure Jake will slow down his schedule once he gets the news, and don’t forget you’ve got a whole house of family members willing to help out.” My said once again wiping the tears again. I hated crying, it shows my weaknesses. I wished Jake was the one here with me right now telling me everything’s going to be okay. "It’s just a lot to process. I’m going to have to keep the baby in mind with everything I do now, and I miss Jake a lot I’ve barely seen him in the past two weeks.” I sobbed. “I know why you don’t go to repair shop and give him the news?” my mom asked. "He's supposed to be coming home early tonight, I'll just tell him then." I sighed.
I guess I should've gone to the repair shop and told him. I looked at the clock it was 11 PM and Jake still wasn't home. I called his cell phone it rang a couple of times but went to voicemail. I knew he was with the pack so if he was hurt I would've been called by now. I was staying the night at my parent’s house because I didn't want to be home alone tonight. My mom and dad left me alone for the most part, probably because Dad read my thoughts and knew right now wasn't the time to talk. I felt lonely I knew it was ridiculous but I did. I was a married woman who hadn't had a conversation lasting more than five minutes with her husband in two weeks. I let out a couple of tears before falling asleep.
I woke up the next morning with a headache instead of the usual morning sickness. I said good morning to my parents before leaving for my house. I realized while running staying the night there might not have been the best idea since Jake leaves for work early. I opened the door to see Jake standing right behind it. "What's wrong? Your Dad refused to tell me why you stayed at his house last night." he said in a low voice hugging me. "The fact that I have a husband who I haven't talked to in two weeks, and doesn't pick up the phone when he's out at 11 pm" I said intending to make him feel guilty. "I'm sorry." he said hugging me tighter. "Sam kept me late last night and I was in wolf form so I Ieft my cell in the car. Billy called and told me not to come in to work today, I'm glad he did. “I sighed "Jake something has to change soon, you’re going to have to be home more." He looked at me "I know I told Billy to go ahead and hire another mechanic so I could spend more time with you." I forgot COMMA I hadn't told him about the pregnancy issue for a minute. "Jake I don't mean for me, yesterday Alice had a vision." I waited. "Of?" he asked. "I'm pregnant." I whispered. His whole body went still and he tensed up. I thought my reaction was bad. "No." he whispered so lightly I could barely hear it. I stayed silent no expecting this reaction from his. Why was he so tense? Did he not want to be home that often? Did he just not want a baby? A million question and thoughts ran through my head.