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Assassins creed: Another day at work



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Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:24 pm
nenc123 says...



This story is about a main character in Assassins creed 2 video game, called Ezio. I hope you enjoy it. :D

I walked down a long corridor decorated with lush paintings and carpets. Little lamps on the walls gave the place a nice warm atmosphere and I thought it would be nice to live in a palace like this. My steps echoed along with metal noise of my weapons. The corridor turned left and I came to another corridor with doors on each side. Right in front of me there were two guards in heavy armor. They were standing before a richly decorated door. There was my target. I noticed I was making them very nervous. I approached them with a grin on my face and stopped in front of them. I could see their arms shaking around their weapons.
"What is you purpose here?" one of the guards asked.
"Signore Barbarigo is already preparing for rest. You should visit him tomorrow." the other guard said.
"I understand." I said with fake disappointment.
"Well tell him then, when he will be rested perhaps, that Ezio Auditore da Firenze was looking for him will you."
"Yes signore. We will let him know."
"Wonderful." I almost whispered and turned my back to them. I did my standard practice. It always worked. I just needed that half a meter do dispose of them. I opened my fist and a golden coin fell on the tiles with loud rattling. I smiled again when I heard excited whispering behind me, followed by quick steps. Everything was going as planned. Then instinct took over. I turned with immense speed, stretching my arms towards two terrified faces. I heard the metal sliding of my two hidden blades and before as any of us could realize it, I was standing there with my two wrist blades buried deep in the two guards foreheads. I pulled my favorite weapons out, back to my hips and the guards fell back on the floor with no life.
"Pity." I said. I was always sorry for the innocent. Even though they were connected with Borgia, they didn't actually know what was happening behind big smiles and heavy bags of coins. But it had to be done.
I stepped over their dead bodies to the door. I opened them so they made absolutely no sound. I stepped into a weakly illuminated bedroom. To my right was a big bed with a scarlet canopy made of silk. There was a seal of the Barbarigos on it. To the left was a writing desk made of oak wood. Some letters and a cup of ink was standing on it. I must read those later. And in front of me was a balcony. I have known it well. I passed next to it many times in weeks of observation and information gathering. And there was my target. Still dressed in silk and expensive cotton form the New World, as suited for a noble. He was leaning on the balcony fence, observing the fireworks of the Venetian carnevale.
"Your guards might be a problem for thieves that want to steal your silk and gold Alphonso. But they are nothing but statues for an Assassin," I sensed how Alphonso Barbarigo started breathing beyond normal. I felt when his heart, that would soon stop from my blade, started beating faster and faster. He turned and I could only see fear and the reflection of my snow white cloth in his eyes.
"Why are you here?"
"Because you are a Templar. And Templars do not deserve a life like yours. It would take too long to put you on a wheat field. To work with peasants that you enslave to gain power, so to save time, I'm just going to kill you."
"And what do you gain Assassin. Another Templar gone. More will come and soon you won't be able to keep up anymore."
"Perhaps. But I still have my father's and brother's death to avenge and the conspirators list is still long."
"Let us be done with it then."
"I like you. You don't flee. You simply give in."
"You like to play with food before you eat it, don't you?"
"Not exactly. I just like things to be done properly ..."
I again raised my arm . But a blade didn't appear from my wrist like a ghost. Instead I took a small lead ball from my pouch, inserted it in my wrist arsenal, aimed at the man in silk and expensive cotton and pressed. The mechanism went off. A millisecond later a blast of sound inhabited the room, so one would think that entire Venezia could hear it. I saw Alphonso Barbarigo with a big bloody hole punched through his chest. He looked down with his eyes wide open. He collapsed on his knees and a little dagger fell on the ground beside him. Obviously he wasn't going to give up so easily after all. He looked at me for the last time with hatred in his eyes and then finally hit the ground with his head. I lowered my hand and calmly walked to him. I made sure the lead ball found it's target. It wasn't my blade that stopped Alphonso's hart after all.
"Avrai pace e di armonia con il tuo Creatore." I whispered over his dead body and closed his eyes.
Suddenly I heard voices on the corridor.
"Time to go." I thought.
"Nice to have met you." I said to Alphonso. I quickly took the letters from the desk and then ran on the balcony, stepped on the fence and jumped into the Grand Canal. I was never trialled for the assassination of Alphonso Barbarigo.

As I am an Assassin and I follow the creed: "Nothing is true, everything is permitted!"
Last edited by nenc123 on Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:18 am, edited 6 times in total.
Neven... wonder how you pronounce it
  





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Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:41 pm
MysticalBlood says...



hehe, but the beginning sounds very like the linage of assassins creed 2. But anyway, this is very good, nice detail and story telling. I really liked t. :)
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:01 pm
SporkPunk says...



Hey nenc! I'm Sporks. :D Or Leslie. Haha. I'm here to review this!

What caught my attention is the title. I love Assassin's Creed. And the title made me think this would be a more...humorous take on the franchise. Instead, it's more dramatic. So, for me, the title doesn't fit with the subject matter.

As a general rule, when each line of dialogue ends, it ends in a comma. Like this:
"Shut up, Mark! You weren't supposed to tell anyone," she screeched.


Also, I saw a couple parts where you used a wrong spelling of a word. For example, "weekly" means occurring every week. I think you mean "weakly." :) And "bead." That's probably a typo. So it's okay. Happens to all of us.

As for the story, it was quite entertaining. I enjoyed this, and your story arc was clear. :D Good job!

Keep Writing!

~Sporky :)
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:56 pm
BondGirl007 says...



Right in front of me there were two guard in heavy armor, they were guarding a richly decorated door behind them. There was My target. I saw I was making them very nervous, so I approached them with a grin on my face and stopping in front of them.


I could see their arms shaking around their weapons.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by this.

Then instinct took over. I turned with immense speed, Istretchingmy arms towards two terrified faces. I heard the metal sliding of my two hidden blades and as soon as before any of us could realize it, I was standing there with my two wrist blades buried deep in the two guards foreheads.
Now I have an issue with this, first of all it would take a heck of a lot of strength to be able to cut through the skull, and second those would have to be pretty long, and pretty tough knives to withstand the force that it would take to pierce bone.

"You guards might be a problem for thieves that want to steal your silk and gold Alphonso. But they are nothing but statues for an Assassino." I sensed how Alphonso Barbarigo started breathing beyond normal. I felt when his heart, that would soon stop from my blade, started beating faster and faster. He turned and I could only see fear and the reflection of my snow white cloth in his eyes.
How could he feel his heart beating faster? He's nowhere near the guy.

"Why are you here?"


"Because you are a Templar. And Templars do not deserve a life like yours. It would take too long to put you on wheat field. To work with peasants that you enslave to gain power. So to save time, I'm just going to kill you."


You like to play with food before you eat it, don't you?"
I really liked this metaphor.

The mechanism went off. A millisecond later a blast of sound inhabited the room, so one would think that entire Venezia could hear it.
You might want to put something about the sound of the blast being muffled by the fireworks, or something like that.

Overall I liked it, it was short, but I thought it was pretty good. I would have liked a little more about his past and stuff, but I'll live :P.

Good luck and keep writing!

~Hope

I lowered my hand and calmly walked to him. I made sure the lead ball found it's target. It wasn't my blade that stopped Alphonso's hart after all.
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
  





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Sun Aug 15, 2010 4:37 am
TristessaAbsinthe says...



Over,though I am just experienced at this, I quite enjoyed the read it was very captivating!

I liked your use of describing the character, and areas he went into, you also kept me interested which is hard to do!
I didn't like how, as its been said before, the title doesn't do the story justice. Though u may have a continuation coming along then maybe it will fit but at the moment its unfitting to the story.

Thanks for being you!
Well, I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years,
And watch me spin circles as I disappear,
And hearts, they don't lie, they just quiver in fear,
As you say,
Tonight we forget everything,
And we stay the night.
If I was wrong, then I'm sorry.
I'll stop this fight,
For the night,
  





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Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:21 pm
ElisaDonut says...



I loooooove this. <3 Ezio's personality is so over-the-top and funny; it made me giggle. Even though he wasn't quite as cruel in the game ;) it still added a layer of humour/charm to the story. I especially like his way of killing the guards - telling them to say Ezio Auditore was there and then sticking them with the 'Blades(my favourite weapon as well, haha)!
There were a few spelling mistakes, like the "trialled" in the last sentence, which should be "trialed" or, probably better, "never taken to trial". And after Ezio killed the guards, he said they were innocent - this isn't really crit, but just my pickyness - the guards weren't innocent because they were aligned with the Borgia.
But overall I really loved this :) Keep up the good work!
You just lost the game.
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2011 8:47 am
Rabbit says...



Assassin's Creed is one hell of a game. I'm excited for the new one, Revelations. Anyway, I'm a Reviewing Rabbit, nice to meet you c:

This story is about a main character in Assassins creed 2 video game, called Ezio. I hope you enjoy it. :D
Aw, no Altair? Okay xD

The corridor turned left and I came to another corridor with doors on each side.
The flow of this sentence was weird for me, maybe you should take out one of the corridors and replace it with something else.

"You like to play with food before you eat it, don't you?"
Amazing! I loved that line so much. You're very good with the dialogue in this; the things they say sound like things they would actually say in the game!

"Avrai pace e di armonia con il tuo Creatore."
I understand this is Italian for peace and harmony with his creator or something, but I thought Ezio always said requiestcat in pace. Was this intentional or did you just forget it? It's quite good anyway, I'm not too fond with Ezio always saying that.

P.S. As I joined YWS I hoped to see an AC fanfic. You made my day with this! c:
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."
--Brian Littrell.
  








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