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Avatar FanFiction



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Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:41 pm
ASingleDarkRose says...



I love this movie, and i thought I'd make a sort of addition to it, just cause i feel like it. i don't know if i should continue it or not, but this is what i have so far.

Name: Makensi Siblee.
Age: 14 years old.
Reason for Traveling: Punishment.
Occupation: 8th grade
Address: Earth.
Place of interest: Pandora.

Pandora. The place where the great war was fought. Where untold riches were hidden. Where scientists were baffled and needed to know more. Where you could get killed with a single miss step. The place that was considered the most dangerous ever recorded.
The place I was being sent to instead of prison.
The place I was going to for life.

I was not a very good girl.
My family all said it, my friends all said it, and the government had said it a month before I was to be shipped off.
I hadn’t meant to be bad, but I guess that’s what everyone says when something horrible happens.
My parents were scientists. They were working on the avatar project, the one that had been discontinued a few years before.
It was starting up again.
Excitement was everywhere in the station that me and my family lived at. They were hired by the government, so we lived on the military base.
My two brothers had played war, pretending they were the soldiers fighting the natives. My sister wrote poetry about what she thought it would be like to see Pandora.
My parents were proud of them for staying out of the way, and doing what they were supposed to do.
The boys were to grow up and be fighters, and me and my sister were supposed to be scholars.
But I wasn’t too fond of sitting around and playing make believe, or writing some stupid poetry that no one wants to read.
I wanted to see what was going on.
I needed to be in on the action.
So I would wander around the station, following my parents or some other top scientist, asking questions until they got sick of me and sent me off to someone else.
One of the women I was talking to that day was supposed to go on the trip. She was going to deliver her DNA, so that the avatar scientists could begin creating the body she would transfer to on Pandora.
I had bumped into her, apologized, and upon realizing who she was, launced into a volley of questions.
“Are you delivering your DNA?”
“Yes Makensi.”
“So your going to be an avatar driver?”
“Yes Makensi.”
“What do you think it's like on Pandora?”
“I don’t know Makensi. But I do know I have work to do, so please talk to someone else.”
I frowned, put out by her unwelcoming attitude.
Information was all I had wanted, and I was going to get it.
So I came up with a plan. I would say I was carrying some important person’s DNA, so that they would let me into the avatar room. Except it would be my DNA instead of the avatar drivers. I could take the bottle of cells out with me, and no harm done. They would still eventually get the DNA they needed, and I would be able to check things out.
But it didn’t go exactly like that.
Instead, I ended up leaving the bottle of my DNA in the room, and they had began creating an avatar with it.
Imagine their dismay when they finally realized it wasn’t the right one.
But instead of them getting in trouble for not making sure they had the right stuff, I was getting punished.
I was being sent to Pandora to be an avatar driver.
All I wanted was info. Not to actually go there!
The trip there alone would waste 6 years of my life! I would be twenty by the time we got there. I couldn’t even fathom twenty.
My family wasn’t allowed to come, but I wouldn’t miss them much. My siblings were a bunch of dung heads, and my parents weren’t around much.
So they picked me up, along with my stuff and sent me on a bus to the space station, since they couldn’t waste a valuable avatar like that.
Other wise I would have been in federal prison.
Some people would say, “Cheer up! I’ve heard Pandora’s beautiful! Has to be better than some gray dreary cell!”
Being locked up is a whole lot better than being dead.
  





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Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:28 am
Torigirl15 says...



i really liked your last line, it left somewhat of a cliff hanger, but not enough to make the reader annoyed. A lot of cliff hangers can be overrated, but i think yours was just right. I would say definitely continue this, and i can't wait to read more!
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

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Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:23 pm
LadyPurple says...



ASingleDarkRose wrote: I had bumped into her, apologized, and upon realizing who she was, launched into a volley of questions.
“Yes comma Makensi.”
“So you're going to be an avatar driver?”
“Yes commaMakensi.”

Hey ASingleDarkRose. I loved Avatar. I got to skip school to see it! I liked this piece a lot. I hope you write more to it!
~Ladypurple.
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You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
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Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:38 pm
Lethero says...



First thing, I notice about this story is that the paragraphs are very short. While that is not altogether bad, but indicates no description. Description is the meat of a story, it tells you all the important details you need to form a mental image in your mind. I know this is a movie that almost every has seen, but it's still important.

They were working on the avatar project,

Avatar Project is the name of an idea and the description of a proper noun is a person, place, thing, or idea.

And in my opinion, I don't think the government would start up the Avatar Project again. After what just happened I doubt the government would rather just send in very big ships and lots of people with really big guns to take control of Pandora.

Another is to make one Avatar is a million dollar project, I doubt scientists are going to make a mistake in using the wrong DNA. And I doubt that they would be allowed to send a minor to a dangerous planet like Pandora.

Another thing is that though, in years, the MC will be twenty, she will be in cryo so she will still be in body 14.

Other wise I would have been in federal prison.

Otherwise is one word. And also they won't send a child to federal prison.

I would like to see you go on with this, but right now it's on shaky ground. It needs more description and more realistic facts. Instead of having having a fourteen year old character who is the daughter of scientists, try making the character in her twenties who is a scientist herself in the project, and have her swap the DNA just before they create the embryo with it. I would like to see more of this, so if you put more up, PM me and I'll give you a review.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
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Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





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Sun Aug 15, 2010 4:37 pm
Stori says...



Hi there, Dark. Something I'd like to point out: a lot of the narration here sounds like Jake.
For instance,

I hadn’t meant to be bad, but I guess that’s what everyone says when something horrible happens.


Sounds very much like him, no? Prob'ly the best thing to do would be to watch the film and look over this
section. I hope this helps.
  





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Tue Sep 07, 2010 1:51 pm
ASingleDarkRose says...



I will make sure i edit this a lot! it obviously needs it. And thanks for the ideas guys! i'm not going to really do anything with this, but i just wanted to see what people thought of it.
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:20 pm
armstronge says...



I love this movie too! It's really good.
[quote="ASingleDarkRose"

I had bumped into her, apologized, and upon realizing who she was, launched into a volley of questions.
“Are you delivering your DNA?”
“Yes Makensi.”
“So you're going to be an avatar driver?” [/quote]

Great! Barely any mistakes. I like this piece a lot.
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:34 pm
MysticalBlood says...



OK, i like this, but there's not much i can say seen as other people have said it. And you don't want to misuse short sentences too much, it can seem a bit repetitive and annoying... other than that, well done! I love avatar and i think you wrote a good fic!
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  





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Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:57 am
SuicideCrusader says...



Interesting concept. I would like to see how ths story would continue. In away I would like to see how she grows on the trip and on the planet. Her curiousity on Pandora would be something that could get her in trouble but it could also bring her closer to the people. I am interested in seeing where this will go.
  





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Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:42 pm
DelanieHeart says...



Interesting. I like how the character kept emphasizing she didn't mean to go to Pandora; it was all a big mistake. Her curiosity is a very helpful tool you can use when writing and you can either use it to get her in trouble or let her fix problems or both.

I'm excited to see how this story turns out!

Writing is a haven. Writing is a solitude. Writing is a passion.

-- Delanie Heart
  





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Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:59 am
rainsallthetime says...



Nice! A bit short i think and the dialogue could be a little irrating sometimes. Why? Don't know. Just that i felt like it
When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you -Friedrich Nietzsche
  








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