Young Writers Society

The Nobody.

{May contain Spoilers. Read at own risk}


"Finally woken up?" I found myself asking.



"Axel!"



For some reason that kid always brought a smile to my face. Even now Roxas was always the best remedy for that cold feeling, slowly creeping back...



"Nope maybe you're going to sleep. Soon I won't even be able to talk to you like this," the words came before I could stop them. With that sharp edge I knew he would take as an accusation.



"I..." Roxas said, and that cold feeling pushed forward as if it knew what was coming, "I'm going back to where I was," he finished. Moving to stare right at me. I turned. I couldn't even look at him. After all the time we had together, even when I knew it would end, I still let myself get attached. To that feeling, that feeling that I had a heart. That way Roxas made me feel... And I couldn't even look at him when I knew what was coming.



"Roxas," I had to know, and I had to ask, even if it made it all worse, "you have a heart, don't you?"



The second I said it Roxas froze, and I could tell he'd been thinking about it too. So many things I hadn't told him, and now that was coming around to bite me. He turned to look at me. With those blue eyes that were so familiar and those memories of eating ice cream and laughing. Those false feelings that felt so good...so real, and then it all dissolved. And I was back in Castle Oblivion on my bed.



That had been one of the last conversations I had with him. And it wasn't even real; we hadn't even been at the clock tower, just a twisted reality in our heads. And we'd never get to go together again.



"How did this happen?"



How?! Was it my fault...again? I got up and found an envelope next to me. I stood and opened it, and inside was a Popsicle stick. With the word WINNER on it.



"Roxas..." The castle was empty now, in my eyes. Xemnas's lapdog was the only one...and he didn't even count.



"ISA! ROXAS!"I yelled. No one yelled back.



The names brought on all those memories, the clock tower, the fighting, my...OTHER life. And if it I could have felt anything, those emotions I so longed for, I sure it would've been sadness and pain. But all I felt were the shadows of emotions I could never truly feel again.



"Why?.." The popsicle stick in my hand cracked in half and fell to the ground. I clenched my jaw. Why were they all so selfish and stupid?! Why did they only think of themselves?! What about everybody else, what about their friends??



"What about me?"



No; I wouldn't let this happen. Not again. I couldn't. I lost Isa, I lost my whole LIFE, and I lost Xion. I wouldn't loose Roxas too. Things would be different this time. I had to try; even if it would kill me.



"I'll get you back Roxas, promise," I said. I stared in the heart in the sky and reached out. If only I could grasp it tight enough, maybe it would grant me all my wishes.



"I'll make it better. Like it was," I whispered. But everyone knows wishing on a star never works.


Hope you like it and this was based on actual scenes in the game you can look up.

"Nope maybe you're going to sleep. Soon I won't even be able to talk to you like this." [/b]T[/b]he words came before I could stop them, with that sharp edge I knew he would take as an accusation.

Replace the comma with a period and start a new sentence at the. Also, put a comma instead of a period and make the last sentence part of the one before it.

That had been one of the last conversations I had with him, and it wasn't even real, We hadn't even been at the clock tower, just a twisted reality in our heads, and we'd never get to go together again.

Just a suggestion, but before the word just put "it was only" or something like that.

How?!

Though you do see a lot of these in stories, it's not really proper grammar. Go with one or the other.

With the word WINNER on it.

Since the word winner is written out on the Popsicle stick, put it in quotation marks.

Xemnas's lapdog was the only one...and he didn't even count.

Don't need the ellipse, just put a comma. Also, ellipses have a space between them.

The names brought on all those memories, the clock tower, the fighting, my...OTHER life.

Again, you don't need the ellipse. Go with a comma. Also, put other in italics instead of capitalizing it. A thing I noticed at this point is your overuse of ellipses. Yes, they are great for dramatic effect, but commas work better.

"Why?..

Ellipse before the question mark. Also, spaces between them, and you still need the three periods in the ellipse.

I clenched my jaw. Why were they all so selfish and stupid?! Why did they only think of themselves?! What about everybody else, what about their friends??

Again, this isn't proper grammar. Just go with the question mark in them. Also, double punctuation marks at the end isn't proper grammar either. Just use one.

No; I wouldn't let this happen.

Comma instead.

I had to try; even if it would kill me.

Again, comma instead.

"I'll make it better. Like it was," I whispered.

I would do this instead, "'I'll make it better,' I whispered. 'Like it was.'"


Overall, better than some of the stuff I've seen, but not great. Just a forewarning, if this is based off the actual script in the story: It can be considered copyrighting. As just an added measure for your next post I would put a note at the end saying, "I acknowledge that this story is used based on the script of the game Kingdom Hearts and do not plan on profiting from publishing this piece of work without the written consent of the creators of the games, ect . . ." Though it's not legally binding, it does help you not to get in trouble with a mod who comes across it and says "That's copyright." I hope I've helped. If you need any more reviews just PM me on YWS and I'll get to it ASAP.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf