Young Writers Society

I have no idea how to delete it so...I just erased all the text

Hi Seana,

I don't really think this is working. I'm not going to "nag" as you put it, but I will say a few things. I can see that you didn't run it through a spellchecker and that you're aware of the misspellings, so I'll just confirm that there a quite a few of them there. Other than misspellings, there were a few grammatical errors. For example:

"Priestess, you came." Light suprise was in his silky, sexy voice.

Here, you need a comma after "came," and "suprise" is "surprise."

As for your storyline, it kind of fell flat for me. There was so much telling, and not enough showing. There wasn't even a conflict with it. I mean, I can see an attempt with the Erik thing, but it's just skimmed over. In any literary piece, including fan-fiction, you want to have at least something happen. Nothing really happened here, except for the sex scene. Speaking of which, I saw the asterisk denoting this piece for older readers, but it might be more useful to use the rating system that is shown when you post a topic.

Overall, this could be improved by leaps and bounds, and then it could be good. But now, it just falls flat.

~SporkPunk

Is this supposed to be a comedy? I can't really tell. The 'silky, sexy voice' and 'sculptured chest' made me laugh though. Some parts reminded me of those old James Bond movies.

I would highly, highly recommend you rate this, and put something in the title that makes it clear this has a sex scene in it. It's not the nicest of surprises. Especially in a piece this short, it's too easy to skim through it and not know how far this is going to go.

Also, you're fourteen?! This... disturbs me a little. This seems like some stereotypical fanservice, and it worries me that you're writing this kind of stuff at your age. I think it's something you shouldn't pursue, it's a simple rule not to write stuff that you're not legally old enough to read.

Hi seana!

I know you didn't want us to comment on this, but... well... the spelling can be corrected easily. So do it!

First of all, this is a romance! So slow down a bit! Even for the sex scene... if it happens that fast, it's not that pleasure. Wonderful sex should be something lingering. A quickie is good, I guess, sometimes, but you're definitely going to want to slow it down and tease it a bit so that it is more arousing.

Good luck!

Hey, Seana.

I can see how this was quickly written, but you already mentioned not to nag about spelling/grammar. XD So I'll not touch that!

I will point out that there is a severe lack of plot for this to stand by itself. Unless it's one of those flash-fictions! I'll treat it as a flash-fiction, so now I'm going to suggest getting rid of that last sex paragraph. There's no use for that and it'll suddenly be loads better with it gone. It detracts from the rest of the story before it which is much more interesting.

Getting rid of the sex scene, you can focus on talking about the characters. If we described who the Professor and the chick were, and not just random people hooking up, then the reader will become more interested in their background. Right now it seems like a pathetic high school drama. xD But I think this has potential if you built on their backgrounds and created an actual story out of it, even if you only hinted at the plot and kept this as short as it is. ;D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

ok ok right i know im only 14 but i was reallllyyy bored aha, i dunno why i wrote it but i swear i rated it as an 16? aha, suck it up if you dont like it, comments are ment to give advise and not offend or make the writer feel like utter shizle. kthanksbye.

@Tenyo. yes its ment to be among the funny side. :p

Hello there.

First off, like you said, there's a lot of mistakes. Either you pass through it and correct them, or you can PM me if you want me to correct them, so your job gets easier. Though I would recommend you do something, because it kind of ruins the story itself. Anyways, if you're too busy or something, the offer is there. (By that, I mean I can correct them.)

Next, well the sex scene is a little bit too much. Normally if you say a little about what they do, like getting undressed and kissing the neck and things like that, and then say "they have sex", we know how it is. Maybe you could change or simply erase all this part below? I don't know, some people here seem a little bit uncomfortable reading that. Well at least I know I am.

I felt his penis get hard and he stoped drinking so he could push me down onto his silk-YES REAL SILK AND VELVET- bed, I felt the hotness as he frusted into me and out and in again as my own moans got louder it got harder and faster untill... I couldnt contain it and when I felt I was about to cum loren bit me right on the nipple as I screamed out in joy!

I have to say it was well written, and nicely detailed, which is really good for a writer to be.

Keep writing!

-Other One

You went through it really fast. Its a romance not a boom bam thank ya mam. hes seduceing her and same to him. put more emph in it. give a real reason to be romance.
Another thing, your very descriptive in the wrong places. you should give us more details on feelings. not on "his sensual mouth" sure thats an okay detail but its not important. how does the way he kiss her make HER feel.. ya know?