Young Writers Society

Hey everyone, this is my version of what happened to Katniss's father Mr. Everdeen in the novel The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins ( i wrote this before i read mockingjay to please don't criticize me because it wasn't the right version, i also wrote this for a compotition for my school, the limet was 600 words so if your disapointed about the end im sorry)

It was a sunny day in district twelve, very unusual since we are the coal district; it’s usually dark and gloomy in winter. I had just come back from school and dad was coming home soon. Today we are going hunting; I know its illegal because anything out side our district is the capitols but if we don’t we will starve. Dad works in the coal mines but doesn’t like it; the only problem is he has to for the capitol and for the money. As it reaches five o’clock I see dad and I rush to him.
“Hi dad, how are you?”
“I’m good Katniss, are you ready to go hunting” Dad said to me in a hush tone.
“Yes I am, I have been practicing making those arrows you taught me”
“Good, now let’s get some food and go”
It was ten past five and we were ready to leave, we walk about one hundred feet and got to a hole in the electric fence, which was never on for some reason. I think the peace makers in district twelve would with that people would go through, we always checked just to make sure. We walked a couple of hundred meters and set up a few snares, I was never really good at them so dad did them, but I would always watch so I could learn from him. We would always have to wait a couple of hours because the animals would sometimes get out of the snares so we found a great place to swim to pass the time, I could never swim but then dad taught me and now we have a blast. The water is a nice warm temperature on days like this and there are sometimes fish so when dad is tired of swimming he would try and catch something, I try swimming after them to but I’m to slow. After the swim we sat in the sun to dry off, dad had a beautiful voice and when he sings the birds stopped to listen, I remember the story of when dad used his voice to attract mum. Its getting its getting dark and we need to be getting back home; we gather our stuff and go back to the snares and find that we have a couple of rabbits and squirrels but that’s about it, not back for today, it might last us about three days.
* * *
It’s the next day and I have to go to school, I don’t mind school, we get to learn interesting things, but I’m supper existed because I’m going to show dad how I can make a bow and arrow and shoot animals, I have been working supper hard on my aim and my hand work and I know he will be impressed. Its 5 o’clock and dad should be home very soon, he said he would try and come early because I told him I really need to show him. As I prepare for our hunt I wonder where dad is, its 5:30 and dad should be home by now. I’m getting worried, dad is never late the only other time he has been late was when there was a problem in the mine. Its six o’clock and I am really worried now, and then all of a sudden I hear BOOM, there’s a load explosion from the mine… DAD! I sprint as fast as I can blocking out everything I can hear; I just want to get to dad. As I get to the mine it’s on fire and there are people screaming and I look around to see if dads in the crowd of miners but he’s not and I can only think of one thing that can be true, my dad is gone forever.

The End

Hi Captain, I really like this short story. I have read the books and I think you have brought an interesting new perspective to how Katniss' father died. You really though about what might happen not just put random ideas on a piece of paper. There are a few little corrections that need to be make but other wise very good.
I think it was a bit dull but the explanations were necessary.
Otherwise a great story!!
Thanx
watchmeburn

Ok. I love the Hunger games and this short fanfiction IS pretty good. My only problem is this honestly doesn't sound like Katniss. Also, the actual death of him in this story is gone in the blink of an eye. I would dissaprove of the babble but Katniss probaly was very young at the time and little ones tend to babble!:) Good work!

Hiya, Cpt. Random! (Awesome name, by the way. You wouldn't happen to be related to Cpt. Obvious, would you?)

As the others said, I thought this was an interesting perspective on the dad's death. I like how you ended it with Katniss seeing the fire and nothing else. It leaves that eerie feeling afterward. Very nice use of dramatic suspense. ;D

The one big thing I suggest is taking your time! This goes very quickly when you can easily take the time for the reader to bond with Katniss' dad. We want the reader to be upset that the dad's dead at the end (or possibly, at this point). So take the time to build character. Maybe we can watch them hunt and get in on the conversations or see some flashback memories (though I'd prefer the conversations idea). No need to race.

And that rushing point leads into the info-dump. Most of this information is thrown at the reader when we really don't have to know half the stuff. We don't need to learn the 12 districts or the Capitol unless they're going to be involved. This is about Katniss' dad, so keep it focused on him. Talk about dad, describe a memory, why Katniss loves him so much--this will help the reader understand how awesome Dad is and why we should be upset he's gone.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I liked it, it was an interesting perspective on his death. I think you shouldn't have put in the stuff about hunting being illegal and those details. Other wise it was a nice short story

Hey, I really like this idea. I love the series, and I have always wished there were more details about Katniss' father. He seems like such a good guy and an interesting character. I like how you made Katniss happier and cheerier in this, as most of her depression does come from her father's death. You also managed to capture a kind of childish innocence in your writing.

There are a few things to check though. First off, read your works aloud. There were some sentences that sounded awkward. Too many of the same words used was a common issue. You don't need to have her say "dad" all the time. If you've said it once you can simply say "he" since we know who you mean. That was the biggest repeat that got a bit tiresome after a while. Also a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but hey we all have those. Grammar mistakes are easily fixed though by reading aloud.

Second, I know you had a word limit, but a bit more description would have been nice. Instead of just telling us what things look like, show us. Explain the colors of things, the way light hits them, and explain more how Katniss feels. I haven't lost my dad, so I don't know what that feels like, and even if you don't, you can imagine it right? I could, but as the reader I rely on you to tell me. That's the relationship between author and reader.

And lastly, again I know you had a word limit, but if that's the case I think you should have expanded upon the conclusion where he actually dies. Rather than have a longer introduction like you did, flesh out the actual scene of his death. Most of the readers probably know about District Twelve and what Katniss did with her father, since most readers probably have read the series. What we don't know, but we are curious about, is how exactly his death happened and how the characters reacted. This is what you should explain rather than summarizing what Suzanne Collins has already told us.

Overall though, I really liked this, and I loved seeing this chipper side of Katniss. Realizing the difference between young Katniss and teen Katniss is something you accomplished. In most fanfiction I see, people often forget to change the characters' personalities based on time. I am impressed. Keep up the good work