Young Writers Society

Quick notes before i begin, paragraphing confuses me SO MUCH, and i know its supposed to be at the end of a thought, but it still confuses me. Also I'm pretty sure I used the semi-colon wrongly at the end there, that confuses me too.

The world was black. An all consuming black. I was weightless. The darkness pushed in on my soul, my lungs were struggling to find air, but none was found. After momentary terror, through some type of deity’s will, air found its way into my lungs as if sucked through a straw. My feet seemed as though they were being vacuumed downwards, toward something. There was radiance, like the flame of a candle held high in the air illuminating the edges of my vision.

Abruptly a lush green landscape surged its way through my retinas and registered with my brain. Right in front of me a stoic precipice towered above the verdant surroundings. At the very foundation of the rock jutting out of the earth a bright crimson color caught my interest.

My pulse quickened upon realizing what exactly this crimson blot upon the world was. A body, sprawled upon the gentle grass seemed so out of place.

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” I asked myself.

I crept closer, alert, anticipating the moment I would have to find out what exactly harmed this body. My heart still racing upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me.

Upon closer inspection I found the body to be spread eagled on the ground slightly slumped over, as if this being had just drifted off into the world of dreams. I wanted to see the face of this person who had intruded such a serene area with a sense of unwanted violence. I reached out and gently prodded the shoulder of this, now identifiable, male. His upper body fell back, as if expecting someone to catch him, and alighted on the soil with a gentle thud. I took a step closer intent upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in, and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face.

Hey Grizzy! Welcome to YWS. I loved the premise of this story.

Just quickly, here's a few things to note.

Generally author's put their notes in italics, or in a spoiler. Also, it's really wise to spell check your work before you submit. You've forgot to capitalize your "I"s in your author's note and it passes off as unprofessional. And, yes, the semicolon is wrong - you don't even need any form of punctuation there. Your paragraph structure is fine. I found no faults.

On to the review:

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” I asked myself.

If this is speech, you need a comma or full stop or question mark (any form of punctuation) after "region". ie, "... could have disturbed this peaceful region?" I asked myself.

My heart still racing raced upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me.

The way it was before my edit made no sense.

I took a step closer intent upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in, and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face.

Generally grunts etc wear helmets in Halo, so his face shouldn't be visible.

The only other gripe I have with this is that when someone respawns, generally they know what was occurring beforehand, so they can immediately go back to the area where their gun fell as they died, or snipe their murderer as they're running/jumping away. I liked the idea that when a character in the game respawns they have no idea what is going on, but technically - do any characters besides players ever respawn?

I thoroughly delighted in your descriptions and reading some sci-fi was a nice breath of fresh air.

Awesome story, and again, welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy your stay here.

- Jai

Thanks Jai! Those pointers are really helpful! The story was kind of trying to hint that the character being played was like a puppet and didn't know what was going on. When he looks into the face of the dead person, it's more based on someone playing a multi-player game so it would actually be his body. Anyway, thank you!

The world was black. An all consuming Should be "all-consuming" black. I was weightless. The darkness pushed in on my soul, my lungs were struggling Not a big deal, but "struggled" would sound a bit better to find air, but none was found A bit rough. Maybe "there was none to be found" ?. After momentary terror, through some type of deity’s will, air found its way into my lungs as if sucked through a straw. My feet seemed as though they were being vacuumed downwards, toward something This bit really isn't necessary. There was radiance, like the flame of a candle held high in the air illuminating the edges of my vision You might want to insert a comma between "air" and "illuminating".

Abruptly a lush green landscape surged its way through my retinas and registered with my brain. Right "Right" in this context is informal and not needed in front of me a stoic precipice towered above the verdant surroundings. At the very foundation of the rock jutting out of the earth a bright crimson color caught my interest. Ok, this sentence is a bit tough to follow. Maybe you could re-word it something like "Jutting out of the earth at the foundation of the rock was a spot of bright crimson." You could omit the part about it catching the narrator's interest, or reconfigure the sentence a different way.

My pulse quickened upon realizing what exactly Including both of these words is somewhat redundant. Just use "what" or move "exactly" in front of "what" this crimson blot upon the world was. A body, sprawled upon the gentle grass seemed Insert a comma here so out of place.

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” The dialogue is a bit awkward and stiff. Would a Spartan really say that? Perhaps, but in any case, add a question mark after "region" I asked myself.

I crept closer, alert, anticipating the moment I would have to find out I see what you mean by including "have to" here, but it makes the sentence confusing. Consider omitting "have to" what exactly harmed this body. My heart still racing upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me. You need a verb in this sentence. Did you want to put a "was" between "My heart"? Also, why would something have pounced on him? Wasn't he just afraid of seeing the carnage?

Upon closer inspection I found the body to be spread eagled spread-eagled on the ground slightly Either put a comma or the word "and" between these two words slumped over, as if this being had just drifted off into the world of dreams. I wanted to see the face of this person who had intruded such a serene area with a sense of unwanted violence. I reached out and gently prodded the shoulder of this, now identifiable, male The commas here aren't necessary. His upper body fell back, as if expecting someone to catch him, and alighted Consider choosing a different word on the soil with a gentle thud. I took a step closer intent You need a comma between these two words upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in Consider changing to "in slowly", and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face As mentioned before, semicolon unneeded.

Ok, so there's the little stuff. As seeminglymeaningless said, the premise for this little piece was very interesting and original. Few people ever give much thought to what happens in that limbo while you're staring at the screen, watching the respawn clock tick down. I liked it overall very much. Your descriptions are detailed and create a mental image of the Halo world you're describing. Even if the reader had no idea what the premise of the story was, it would still be very interesting. The description of the blackness at the beginning was great, too.

In response to your concerns:
Semicolons aren't used very frequently, so don't worry too much about them.

Your paragraphing was fine. The division of paragraphs is not a huge concern in narrative writing like this, as long as it seems logical and natural. Just start a new paragraph whenever there's a change in topic, time, or place. It seems like you already have a keen grasp of it.

Great job with this. I hope to see more of your writing in the future.

Hey Denj, thanks for the great review!! The tweaks with my wording you made i think will help the flow a lot! thanks for the advice, and for reading!

denj wrote:The world was black. An all consuming Should be "all-consuming" black. I was weightless. The darkness pushed in on my soul, my lungs were struggling Not a big deal, but "struggled" would sound a bit better to find air, but none was found A bit rough. Maybe "there was none to be found" ?. After momentary terror, through some type of deity’s will, air found its way into my lungs as if sucked through a straw. My feet seemed as though they were being vacuumed downwards, toward something This bit really isn't necessary. There was radiance, like the flame of a candle held high in the air illuminating the edges of my vision You might want to insert a comma between "air" and "illuminating".

Abruptly a lush green landscape surged its way through my retinas and registered with my brain. Right "Right" in this context is informal and not needed in front of me a stoic precipice towered above the verdant surroundings. At the very foundation of the rock jutting out of the earth a bright crimson color caught my interest. Ok, this sentence is a bit tough to follow. Maybe you could re-word it something like "Jutting out of the earth at the foundation of the rock was a spot of bright crimson." You could omit the part about it catching the narrator's interest, or reconfigure the sentence a different way.

My pulse quickened upon realizing what exactly Including both of these words is somewhat redundant. Just use "what" or move "exactly" in front of "what" this crimson blot upon the world was. A body, sprawled upon the gentle grass seemed Insert a comma here so out of place.

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” The dialogue is a bit awkward and stiff. Would a Spartan really say that? Perhaps, but in any case, add a question mark after "region" I asked myself.

I crept closer, alert, anticipating the moment I would have to find out I see what you mean by including "have to" here, but it makes the sentence confusing. Consider omitting "have to" what exactly harmed this body. My heart still racing upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me. You need a verb in this sentence. Did you want to put a "was" between "My heart"? Also, why would something have pounced on him? Wasn't he just afraid of seeing the carnage?

Upon closer inspection I found the body to be spread eagled spread-eagled on the ground slightly Either put a comma or the word "and" between these two words slumped over, as if this being had just drifted off into the world of dreams. I wanted to see the face of this person who had intruded such a serene area with a sense of unwanted violence. I reached out and gently prodded the shoulder of this, now identifiable, male The commas here aren't necessary. His upper body fell back, as if expecting someone to catch him, and alighted Consider choosing a different word on the soil with a gentle thud. I took a step closer intent You need a comma between these two words upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in Consider changing to "in slowly", and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face As mentioned before, semicolon unneeded.

The theme and idea of the story is great. Nice to see what a grunt would feel like.

Thanks UncleJimmy!