Young Writers Society

The incredible ice cube I remember it was year 88 B.C. and I was running from the other kids in the tribe. I was running and tripped and fell on some rocks. I rolled over on the ground and the other kids stopped three feet away from me, and bent down and picked up handfuls of rocks and started to throw them at me. Then I screamed and yelled “stop.” Then they finally did. Then they pointed at my arms, and ran screaming.
Then I looked at my arms and screamed “what is wrong with me?”
My arms had turned into ice. Then that’s the last thing I remember before everything went black.
Now its year 3000...
I opened up my eyes and the light was blinding. I didn’t recognize anything.
I walked up to the first man I could find. I stopped him and asked him where I was and he said “you’re in Miami Florida!”
Then I said “what’s Miami Florida?”
Then he said “its part of the united states of America.”
Then I asked “what year is it?”
Then he said “it’s year 3000!”
He also said “you look like a foreigner. Here have a couple thousand dollars.”
I said “ok.”
He said “go buy some new clothes you look funny.”
He pointed out the nearest wall mart I walked in and said “I need new clothes.”
Then some body said “ok I’ll help you.”
The next thing I know they where putting weird clothes on me. I walked out of the store in all knew clothes. Then I went to a hair dresser, and they cut my hair, and I was all set.
Now it’s time to go find the person who froze me fore several thousand years.
I started my search by going to the closest church I could get to. I went inside and prayed to the gods if I could know every thing that I needed to know. Then something amazing happened. I saw a flash of white light then I knew every thing I needed to know.
Then I decided to go to Egypt for my search. I asked the tour guide where the pyramids where?
Then he said “the pyramids are next to the Nile River.”
So I went to the Nile and I searched for months. Then I found my first pyramid. I went inside and I knew all there was about pyramids and so I was just expecting my first trap. I took a step forward and the stone step sunk down and the door slammed shut. I said “great.”
Then I consent rated real hard and I made my arms glow. Then I herd the most horrible sound ever.

ahahhaha i cant believe that.....ha but u didnt finish it. i really think u shud finish wat u were goign to write

asweeney1919 wrote:The Incredible Ice Cube
I remember it was year 88 B.C. and I was running from the other kids in the tribe. I was running and tripped and fell on some rocks. I rolled over on the ground and the other kids stopped three feet away from me, and bent down and picked up handfuls of rocks and started to throw them at me. Then I screamed and yelled “Stop.” Then they finally did. Then they pointed at my arms, and ran screaming.
Then I looked at my arms and screamed “What is wrong with me?”
My arms had turned into ice. Then that’s the last thing I remember before everything went black. This has very little explanation. Try and explain what's happening and how he's feeling a bit more.
Now it's the year 3000... Um... Okay...
I opened up my eyes and the light was blinding. I didn’t recognize anything.
I walked up to the first man I could find. I stopped him and asked him where I was and he said “You’re in Miami Florida!”
Then I said “What’s Miami Florida?”
Then he said “It's part of the united states of America.”
Then I asked “what year is it?”
Then he said “It’s the year 3000!”
He also said “You look like a foreigner. Here, have a couple thousand dollars.”
I said “Ok.”
He said “Go buy some new clothes you look funny.”
He pointed out the nearest wall mart I walked in and said “I need new clothes.”
Then some body said “Ok I’ll help you.” This part is very repetitive. Try using different verbs to describe how they are talking, for example "You're in Miami, Florida!" The man cried. Also, why'd he give him loads of money?
The next thing I know they where putting weird clothes on me. I walked out of the store in all knew clothes. Then I went to a hair dresser, and they cut my hair, and I was all set. You should probably describe this part a bit more.
Now it’s time to go find the person who froze me fore several thousand years. How does he know it's a person? Also, try not to switch tenses.
I started my search by going to the closest church I could get to. I went inside and prayed to the gods if I could know every thing that I needed to know. Then something amazing happened. I saw a flash of white light then I knew every thing I needed to know. Why?
Then I decided to go to Egypt for my search. I asked the tour guide where the pyramids where? His question should be speech. What tour guide?
Then he said “The pyramids are next to the Nile River.”
So I went to the Nile and I searched for months. Then I found my first pyramid. I went inside and I knew all there was about pyramids and so I was just expecting my first trap. I took a step forward and the stone step sunk down and the door slammed shut. I said “great.” There aren't usually traps in pyramids, but I digress.
Then I consent rated concentrated really hard and I made my arms glow. Then I heard the most horrible sound ever. How did he make his arms glow? Why is he able to make his arms glow?

Woah, woah, slow down!
Ok, firstly, this has a lot of potential, but you need to be a bit slower. It'snogoodrushingthroughthestorylikethis, nobody has any time to figure out what's actually going on, and you aren't building up your character.
Secondly, if he is from (presumably) America in the year 88 BC, how does he know English? I understand you might need to make people understand him for the story, but at least explain this a bit, or maybe even have the entire dialogue part after he goes to the Church, as it would make sense for him to be able to communicate after that as he would 'know all there is to know'.
Thirdly, how is it he has been frozen for 3088 years in the middle of Miami and nobody has noticed him? I mean, there are lots of people in Miami.
Finally, use spell check, you can find it under 'Tools'. It really helps you look for typos.
I've annotated it in Bold and corrected some spelling in red text.
Like I said, this piece could be really great, you just need to slow down and proof-read it.

asweeney1919 wrote:The incredible ice cube I remember it was year 88 B.C. and I was running from the other kids in the tribe. I was running and tripped and fell on some rocks. I rolled over on the ground and the other kids stopped three feet away from me, and bent down and picked up handfuls of rocks and started to throw them at me. Then I screamed and yelled “stop.” Then they finally did. Then they pointed at my arms, and ran screaming.
Then I looked at my arms and screamed “what is wrong with me?”
My arms had turned into ice. Then that’s the last thing I remember before everything went black.
Now its year 3000...
I opened up my eyes and the light was blinding. I didn’t recognize anything.
I walked up to the first man I could find. I stopped him and asked him where I was and he said “you’re in Miami Florida!”
Then I said “what’s Miami Florida?”
Then he said “its part of the united states of America.”
Then I asked “what year is it?”
Then he said “it’s year 3000!”
He also said “you look like a foreigner. Here have a couple thousand dollars.”
I said “OK.”
He said “go buy some new clothes you look funny.”
He pointed out the nearest wall mart I walked in and said “I need new clothes.”
Then some body said “OK I’ll help you.”
The next thing I know they where putting weird clothes on me. I walked out of the store in all knew clothes. Then I went to a hair dresser, and they cut my hair, and I was all set.
Now it’s time to go find the person who froze me fore several thousand years.
I started my search by going to the closest church I could get to. I went inside and prayed to the gods if I could know every thing that I needed to know. Then something amazing happened. I saw a flash of white light then I knew every thing I needed to know.
Then I decided to go to Egypt for my search. I asked the tour guide where the pyramids where?
Then he said “the pyramids are next to the Nile River.”
So I went to the Nile and I searched for months. Then I found my first pyramid. I went inside and I knew all there was about pyramids and so I was just expecting my first trap. I took a step forward and the stone step sunk down and the door slammed shut. I said “great.”
Then I consent rated real hard and I made my arms glow. Then I herd the most horrible sound ever.

I Didn't see to much wrong

Sandvich wrote:

asweeney1919 wrote:The Incredible Ice Cube
I remember it was year 88 B.C. and I was running from the other kids in the tribe. I was running and tripped and fell on some rocks. I rolled over on the ground and the other kids stopped three feet away from me, and bent down and picked up handfuls of rocks and started to throw them at me. Then I screamed and yelled “Stop.” Then they finally did. Then they pointed at my arms, and ran screaming.
Then I looked at my arms and screamed “What is wrong with me?”
My arms had turned into ice. Then that’s the last thing I remember before everything went black. This has very little explanation. Try and explain what's happening and how he's feeling a bit more.
Now it's the year 3000... Um... Okay...
I opened up my eyes and the light was blinding. I didn’t recognize anything.
I walked up to the first man I could find. I stopped him and asked him where I was and he said “You’re in Miami Florida!”
Then I said “What’s Miami Florida?”
Then he said “It's part of the united states of America.”
Then I asked “what year is it?”
Then he said “It’s the year 3000!”
He also said “You look like a foreigner. Here, have a couple thousand dollars.”
I said “Ok.”
He said “Go buy some new clothes you look funny.”
He pointed out the nearest wall mart I walked in and said “I need new clothes.”
Then some body said “Ok I’ll help you.” This part is very repetitive. Try using different verbs to describe how they are talking, for example "You're in Miami, Florida!" The man cried. Also, why'd he give him loads of money?
The next thing I know they where putting weird clothes on me. I walked out of the store in all knew clothes. Then I went to a hair dresser, and they cut my hair, and I was all set. You should probably describe this part a bit more.
Now it’s time to go find the person who froze me fore several thousand years. How does he know it's a person? Also, try not to switch tenses.
I started my search by going to the closest church I could get to. I went inside and prayed to the gods if I could know every thing that I needed to know. Then something amazing happened. I saw a flash of white light then I knew every thing I needed to know. Why?
Then I decided to go to Egypt for my search. I asked the tour guide where the pyramids where? His question should be speech. What tour guide?
Then he said “The pyramids are next to the Nile River.”
So I went to the Nile and I searched for months. Then I found my first pyramid. I went inside and I knew all there was about pyramids and so I was just expecting my first trap. I took a step forward and the stone step sunk down and the door slammed shut. I said “great.” There aren't usually traps in pyramids, but I digress.
Then I consent rated concentrated really hard and I made my arms glow. Then I heard the most horrible sound ever. How did he make his arms glow? Why is he able to make his arms glow?

Woah, woah, slow down!
Ok, firstly, this has a lot of potential, but you need to be a bit slower. It'snogoodrushingthroughthestorylikethis, nobody has any time to figure out what's actually going on, and you aren't building up your character.
Secondly, if he is from (presumably) America in the year 88 BC, how does he know English? I understand you might need to make people understand him for the story, but at least explain this a bit, or maybe even have the entire dialogue part after he goes to the Church, as it would make sense for him to be able to communicate after that as he would 'know all there is to know'.
Thirdly, how is it he has been frozen for 3088 years in the middle of Miami and nobody has noticed him? I mean, there are lots of people in Miami.
Finally, use spell check, you can find it under 'Tools'. It really helps you look for typos.
I've annotated it in Bold and corrected some spelling in red text.
Like I said, this piece could be really great, you just need to slow down and proof-read it.

I can't put it any better than Sandwich did. You have potential, just try to slow the pace of the story.

Well, overall this was an interesting story it has potential. I can't figure out what this is based on though. As far as errors, I didn't see any other than what the others have pointed out. Overall i think it was interesting. You should post more. Also you should make it clear at somepoint what this is based on. Well Maith Adh ~ good luck. PM me if you have any questions, comments, or if you simply want to discuss anything.

Much too fast need details lota details. Thoughts what is going on in his head? He just woke up from a couple millienium sleep I don't think he is going to take that well. Who is the character give us image personality. You move too fast. One minute were at 88 BC Now were at 3000 AD. How does he even speak english? Lack too much information. Great story idea. I wanna see the end also I wanna read the rest!!! But slow down need details!

soulidium wrote:

asweeney1919 wrote:The incredible ice cube I remember it was year 88 B.C. and I was running from the other kids in the tribe. I was running and tripped and fell on some rocks. I rolled over on the ground and the other kids stopped three feet away from me, and bent down and picked up handfuls of rocks and started to throw them at me. Then I screamed and yelled “stop.” Then they finally did. Then they pointed at my arms, and ran screaming.
Then I looked at my arms and screamed “what is wrong with me?”
My arms had turned into ice. Then that’s the last thing I remember before everything went black.
Now its year 3000...
I opened up my eyes and the light was blinding. I didn’t recognize anything.
I walked up to the first man I could find. I stopped him and asked him where I was and he said “you’re in Miami Florida!”
Then I said “what’s Miami Florida?”
Then he said “its part of the united states of America.”
Then I asked “what year is it?”
Then he said “it’s year 3000!”
He also said “you look like a foreigner. Here have a couple thousand dollars.”
I said “OK.”
He said “go buy some new clothes you look funny.”
He pointed out the nearest wall mart I walked in and said “I need new clothes.”
Then some body said “OK I’ll help you.”
The next thing I know they where putting weird clothes on me. I walked out of the store in all knew clothes. Then I went to a hair dresser, and they cut my hair, and I was all set.
Now it’s time to go find the person who froze me fore several thousand years.
I started my search by going to the closest church I could get to. I went inside and prayed to the gods if I could know every thing that I needed to know. Then something amazing happened. I saw a flash of white light then I knew every thing I needed to know.
Then I decided to go to Egypt for my search. I asked the tour guide where the pyramids where?
Then he said “the pyramids are next to the Nile River.”
So I went to the Nile and I searched for months. Then I found my first pyramid. I went inside and I knew all there was about pyramids and so I was just expecting my first trap. I took a step forward and the stone step sunk down and the door slammed shut. I said “great.”
Then I consent rated real hard and I made my arms glow. Then I herd the most horrible sound ever.

I Didn't see to much wrong

Neither do I.
Great job!