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Fluffy the Vampire Slayer Part 2



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Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:24 pm
BubbleGirl says...



The blond girl glanced at me, and I suddenly had the urge to pounce and fang her. Focusing hard, I shoved it away. Ripping a classmate’s throat open was not a good way to start the day. Knowing my luck, I’d probably get stuck in detention for the rest of my undeath.
But her blood smelled so good! I had to block out that scent somehow. Maybe if I covered my nose? I put my hand over the lower half of my face. Darn it! I could still smell it, even now. The impulse to attack her thumped at my temples. What could I do?
Someone tapped me on the arm, and I nearly jumped out of my chair. I turned to see the blond girl leaning towards me.
“Hi there,” She whispered. “So you’re from New England, huh?” She frowned slightly, as though something had just occurred to her. “Shouldn’t you have an accent?”
God, she was so close right now. Too close. Maybe if I answered her she’d go away.
“I’m from Massachusetts.” I hissed.
The girl only nodded. “See, that’s what I mean. You should be all like, ‘Pawk the caw in Hawvad yawd’, you know?”
She poked my arm, as if that added weight to her point. Aahhh! That was just too much! I looked down to see that my knuckles were white where they were gripping the sides of my desk. I had to get out of here!
The girl was staring at me, expecting an answer. Sighing, I said.
“I was born there. I just haven’t lived there for a while.”
That still wasn’t enough to shut her up. The girl raised her eyebrows in interest. “So where’d you live before you moved here?”
I squashed down a moan. Why wouldn’t she leave me alone? I was starting to think that maybe eternal detention would be worth biting her. At least she’d be quiet then.
The girl poked me in the arm again. “Hellooo? Talking here. Where’re you from?”
I snapped the first state that came into my head. “Alaska! Now leave me alone!”
The girl pulled away, looking hurt. But her pout quickly shifted into a sneer. “Whatever. I was just trying to be friendly.” She turned and glared at the teacher instead.
I let out a sigh of relief, but as I breathed in again I realized that the scent of her blood had only gotten stronger now that she was angry. Grabbing onto my desk, I dragged it away from hers. As I sat again I pulled the collar of my shirt up over my nose, and then put both of my hands over that. There. Now I couldn’t smell anything.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the girl give me a weird look. When the bell rang, she was the first one out of class.

At lunch, I bought the first thing I was offered. I couldn’t even digest this stuff anymore. Once you’re turned, stomach acid is the first thing to go. Vamps will eat to blend in with humans, but we need to regurgitate it later, or we get sluggish and sick. I made a mental note to find the nearest bathroom as soon as I was done.
A couple of guys invited me to sit at their table, so I did. One of them, a guy who said he was a reporter on the school paper, introduced everybody. I forgot their names as soon as he said them. I guess I was too busy being the new kid or something.
The reporter guy had taken it upon himself to roll out the welcome wagon, asking lots of questions like: “So, how’re you liking Sunnysporks so far?” or, “Hey, what was it like in Alaska?”
I only shrugged and shoved forkful after forkful of food into my mouth. Ever since the incident in homeroom I’d been in a bit of a sulk. I couldn’t believe I’d blown it with the tastiest girl in school in less than ten minutes. Was I that out of practice talking to kids my age? But then again, the only kids who were actually my age were in their mid-thirties now. That thought only made me even more depressed.
Now I was doing my best to distract myself, and to find another victim. There were so many kids in here, but none of their blood smelled half as good as the blond girl’s. Out of sheer boredom I watched one couple, a pale girl with a widow’s peak and a muscular, slightly sparkly guy. They were staring adoringly into each other’s eyes, oblivious to everything else around them-even the freshmen tossing tater tots at their heads.
“Who the heck are they?” I asked Reporter Guy. He looked happy that I was paying attention to something other than my food.
“Oh, that’s Edmund and Stella.”
“Mmm.” I turned away as the couple began to kiss. That was when I saw them, a group of kids sitting in the corner of the lunchroom. There were three, a boy and two girls. I recognized one of them immediately as the blond girl from homeroom. I could smell her blood from here, and I had to take a huge bite of food to distract me from the scent. But even then I couldn’t stop staring.
They weren’t talking or eating, or even paying attention to each other. Each of them was focusing on something that I couldn’t see. The only noise coming from their table was a bunch of ominous clicky noises.
“I see you’ve noticed the Snoopies,” Reporter Guy’s voice snapped me out of my staring session.
“Snoopies? You mean like that dancing beagle?”
“Yeah, close enough.” Reporter Guy cocked a thumb in the group’s direction. “They’re Sunnyspork High’s resident geek squad. That one girl right there? That’s Pillow Rosewood. Stay away from her. She has two different evil alter egos.”
I glanced at the girl he’d pointed out. She looked entirely un-evil.
“You’re kidding.”
Reporter Guy grinned and shook his head.
“Nope. And see the guy? That’s Xavier Sharris.”
“Cool! You mean like that guy from X-men?”
“No. Xavier’s incredibly normal. He’s just here for comedic relief.”
“Oh.” I tried my best not to look disappointed. Reporter Guy saw anyway, and seemed to want to make it up to me. Swigging his soda, he pointed at the blond girl.
“All right, see her?”
I glanced over at the girl and realized in horror that the smell of her blood had somehow gotten even stronger. It took all my willpower to stay in my seat.
“What about her?”
“That’s Fluffy Bummers. Hot, isn’t she?”
I looked away from Fluffy and bit my lip. Stay where you are. I told myself. Stay.
Reporter Guy cleared his throat. He was waiting for an answer.
I shrugged. “I guess so-’’
“-Well if you’ve got any brains you’ll forget about her.”
The smell of Fluffy’s blood was overpowering everything. I struggled to reply to Reporter Guy, and hardly heard his answer.
“Why?”
“She doesn’t date. Just hangs out in the library with those losers.” Reporter Guy rolled his eyes. “Can you believe it? They’re in the Knitting Club. Lame, huh?”
A quick glance over at Fluffy revealed why her blood smelled so strongly-it was fresh. She’d stabbed herself on one of her needles. That was it. All of my self-control went out the window. Turning to Reporter Guy, I said,
“Yeah. Lame.”
And then I picked up my tray and started walking over to the other table.
"I didn't lie! I was writing fiction with my mouth!" -Homer Simpson
  





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Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:41 pm
LadyPurple says...



BubbleGirl wrote: Out of sheer boredom I watched one couple, a pale girl with a widow’s peak and a muscular, slightly sparkly guy. They were staring adoringly into each other’s eyes, oblivious to everything else around them-even the freshmen tossing tater tots at their heads.

Hey, Ladypurple again! I Gotta say: I love this. I really am looking forward to reading more of it! Anyway, what I quoted was my favorite part. Lol. I couldn't really find any errors anywhere....
~Ladypurple.
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You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
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Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:47 pm
Celticmusicgirl says...



ok first off I love how this is coming along. It's similiar to Twilight but more from Edward's point of view. However, there are one or two errors I noticed.

BubbleGirl wrote: I looked away from Fluffy and bit my lip. Stay where you are. I told myself. Stay.
Okay so to help the readers tell exactly what your character is thinking you should put the thoughts in italics.It would make it easier.
I looked away from Fluffy and bit my lip. Stay where you are, I told myself. Stay.
Like this or put the thoughts in quotations. However, sometimes quotations can be a bit confusing.
The girl only nodded. “See, that’s what I mean. You should be all like, ‘Pawk the caw in Hawvad yawd’, you know?”
I loved this. It was so funny.
I let out a sigh of relief, but as I breathed in again I realized that the scent of her blood had only gotten stronger now that she was angry.

Alright, in this particular sentence, the mistake is very common and simple. You simple should place a comma after again.
And then I picked up my tray and started walking over to the other table.

Alright, unless one of the characters is speaking, you should never start a sentence with "and."

Well I think that about sums it up. Overall good job keep working with what your planning with this and if you have any questions, comments, or if you want to disscuss anything at all just PM me. Keep Writing.
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance
  





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Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:20 am
Baywolf says...



Hey Bubble!

I'm here to give you my thoughts, as I promised. :)
Okay, so I thought you did a great job of keeping up with the Buffy parody part. I can see you did some research, yay!
Those were probably my favorite parts where you were describing the "Snoopies". Haha, it cracked me up.
Anyway, I'm not in a grammar nitpicky mood, so I'm just gonna let you get a free pass on it this time! :) I can't wait to find out what Mike does next! Will he eat Fluffy? OR get staked trying? Dumdumdum. Haha!

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Sat Nov 06, 2010 4:01 pm
Sunshine says...



Hey Bubble. I'm not one of those grammer-nitpickers I pick on plot. There is nothing wroong with your plot! I guess I'm just here to tell you that I love it! Oh yeah and notify me for part three please!
~Crafty~
I have loved the words and I have hated them. I only hope I have made them right.

---The Book Thief---

Hi, I'm Sunshine! It's lovely to meet you!
  








There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green