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Young Writers Society


Claire and Gray - Blue (part 1)



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38 Reviews



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Points: 1888
Reviews: 38
Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:12 am
emmylove says...



Spoiler! :
So, this is part one of the blue heart event, and part two is in the makings right now. It will probably be up either tomorrow or the next day! :D


Blue Heart


If it weren’t for Claire’s lack in the ability to live without food for a few weeks, she wouldn’t have stopped by the blacksmith’s almost every day to say hi. Unfortunately, a hurricane wiped out most of Claire’s summer crops, and her spring crops were less than abundant. Because of that, she was forced to sell the remainder of her farm-grown cucumbers and turnips so she could buy some food from the grocery store – and breakfast at Doug’s Inn some mornings. Sometimes she would go to the Chicken Farm to mooch their eggs, but after a while they told her she wasn’t allowed to eat their eggs anymore unless she bought a chicken herself. Needless to say, she stopped mooching their eggs; she did, however, begin to mooch some dairy products from Yodel Farm. Barley was much nicer to her. He even let her pet the cows.

Whether she was headed for Doug’s Inn or Yodel Farm, the blacksmith was on the way there and on the way back, so Claire ended up visiting Saibara and Gray quite often. During one of these visits, Saibara stroked his white beard while watching the blonde girl sit on the floor and nibble on a block of cheese.

“Is that really what you’re eating for breakfast?” Saibara queried with a disapproving tone. Claire nodded, afraid of what his response might be. She looked to Gray with wild eyes for possible guidance or advice, but only glanced up from his work once. The old man stood up from his own workbench – at which he had not been working – and went into his bedroom.

“What do you think he went to get?” Claire asked, slightly paranoid that it might be some supernova version of an axe he had secretly been working on in the middle of the night, all mad-scientist-y and whatnot.

Gray shrugged. Without straying from the hoe Claire had brought in, he said, “You really should eat more than just a brick of cheese for breakfast, though.”

“It’s not like I have much of a choice right now…” Claire trailed off. Her butt started to fall asleep, so she placed the block of cheese in her lap and adjusted the way she was sitting on the hard floor. The two stayed quiet for a while, and Claire watched her friend continue working. Watching Gray focus so hard on her hoe, which was so old that it broke because it just felt like it, caused her to forget for a moment about the scolding she was likely to receive from Saibara.

The door to Saibara’s bedroom opened, and Claire’s stomach dropped. She kept her eyes glued to the old man as he made his way back to his workbench. He set a box on the table, and Claire could see after craning her neck that it was filled with cereal.

“Here,” Saibara grunted, tossing the box to Claire, who just barely caught it but tried to make it look like she was always good at catching things.

Claire clutched the box with her calloused hands and muttered a “thanks” before tearing it open. A cloud of stale cereal smell puffed out and filled her nose, making it hard to breathe for a second. For a while, the room was absent of human voices – just the sounds of Claire crunching cereal, Saibara’s feet kicking against the table legs, and Gray’s occasional arrhythmic hammer pounding.

Suddenly, Claire remembered something. “Oh – guys, are you going to the Fireworks Festival tomorrow night?”

Before either of them answered, Gray slowed his work and looked to his grandfather to see what he would say.

“Well,” Saibara considered, tapping his foot, “I probably will, but whether or not Gray will is just a question of whether or not he can finish his work on time.”

Gray gawked at the old man, halting his work completely. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Saibara turned around and impatiently explained, “If you don’t fix Claire’s hoe before the festival tomorrow –“

Gah!” Gray interrupted, fed up with his grandfather’s nonsense. He took a few steps away from his workbench and slammed his hands on Saibara’s table – Claire flinched at the sound of skin-meets-steel, and she wished she knew something like this would’ve happened before she asked the simple question. The auburn-haired boy eyed Saibara skeptically. “You know tomorrow’s my day off, right?”

Saibara didn’t say anything for a moment, then calmly answered his grandson, “If you don’t get back to work right now, you won’t finish by tomorrow.”

Gray glared at him, unable to think of something he could say or do to change Saibara’s mind. Claire attempted to solve the situation.

“Guys,” she said, suddenly feeling self-conscious because they both turned to look at her intently, “guys, I don’t need the hoe anytime soon.” The blonde hoped with all her might that what she was saying was true. She focused her attention on Saibara. “Gray can work on it today, and if it’s not finished, I won’t mind at all.”

Claire could see Gray’s blue eyes soften as he gave her a slight grin; she smiled back at him. Saibara cut their moment short by saying, “Claire, you’re a sweet girl, but Gray has to learn how to work hard.”

Gray dropped his gaze to the floor and let out a sigh, still bent over Saibara’s table. Picking up her block of cheese and the box of cereal, Claire stood up and said, “Well, if Gray can’t have his day off until my hoe is done, then I should leave; I’m distracting him when he should be working.”

She half-expected Saibara to reply with something like, “No, stay, it’s great that you’re distracting my incompetent grandson! I love to watch him fail!” but all he said was, “Okay, goodbye, Claire.” Gray turned his head so he was looking at Claire sideways as she shot him an apologetic look and muttered a goodbye.

* * * * *
We've stayed until the very end.
This is real for us.
  





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Reviews: 13
Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:23 am
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jackolantern says...



I think your peice has a story line that could be really interesting, and poignant. but your peice seems kind of rushed. in the first paragraph,

"it weren’t for Claire’s lack in the ability to live without food for a few weeks, she wouldn’t have stopped by the blacksmith’s almost every day to say hi. Unfortunately, a hurricane wiped out most of Claire’s summer crops, and her spring crops were less than abundant. Because of that, she was forced to sell the remainder of her farm-grown cucumbers and turnips so she could buy some food from the grocery store – and breakfast at Doug’s Inn some mornings. Sometimes she would go to the Chicken Farm to mooch their eggs, but after a while they told her she wasn’t allowed to eat their eggs anymore unless she bought a chicken herself. Needless to say, she stopped mooching their eggs; she did, however, begin to mooch some dairy products from Yodel Farm. Barley was much nicer to her. He even let her pet the cows."

you don't describe very often. especially in the section about the hurricane. thats a big deal, but its own in a few sentences. you could use that to describe her situation, because having no food is pretty severe. maybe talk about how she plans to get through the year, or some of the other damage done around the town. (roofs torn off, people dead ect.)

"Whether she was headed for Doug’s Inn or Yodel Farm, the blacksmith was on the way there and on the way back, so Claire ended up visiting Saibara and Gray quite often. During one of these visits, Saibara stroked his white beard while watching the blonde girl sit on the floor and nibble on a block of cheese." i liked the opening sentence of this paragraph alot. it gives you a mental image of the lay out of claire's town, and is also just an awesomely constructed sentence. however your transition to the cheese visit is a bit awkward. is there any way you could say something about her bringing food occasionally, and then talk about the block of cheese?

“What do you think he went to get?” Claire asked, slightly paranoid that it might be some supernova version of an axe he had secretly been working on in the middle of the night, all mad-scientist-y and whatnot."
awesome sentence, really funny.

“It’s not like I have much of a choice right now…” Claire trailed off. Her butt started to fall asleep, so she placed the block of cheese in her lap and adjusted the way she was sitting on the hard floor. The two stayed quiet for a while, and Claire watched her friend continue working. Watching Gray focus so hard on her hoe, which was so old that it broke because it just felt like it, caused her to forget for a moment about the scolding she was likely to receive from Saibara."
the butt sentence inturupts the flow of your paragraph. you have a really nice interaction going on between gray and clair, and it just kind of comes to a stop there. i think its mainly the ordering of the words. maybe you could say, the hard floor was making her butt fall asleep so she place the block of cheese in her lap and adjusted the way she was sitting. the idea is good, its just that it dosen't match the writing style for the rest of the paragraph.

Any way, other then these things, the story was really interesting! i can't wait to see the next part!
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:14 pm
armstronge says...



The front was rushed alright. It's great though! I think you used the word "mooch" too much. You might want to find a synonym for it. You could use the word "mooch" again in a different paragraph, there's just too many in the 1st paragraph.

The part where you wrote "He even let her pet the cows." is insignificant. Unless cows have something to do with the story. You don't need that in there. But if you want to not rush the 1st part that much, you could describe the places she goes or the people she meets.

It's great! Keep writing!
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

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Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:50 pm
purplepen says...



Armstrong and jackolantern bassically summed up what I wanted to say. Another disadvantage of not being the first to review. *Sigh* It was really great though! I liked it alot, and I can't wait for part two! Keep it up! :)
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Sat May 14, 2011 1:04 am
Sunshine says...



Hey! In honor of review week I decided to try and catch up on my Harvest Moon reading. (Not to mention be inspired by it, but that's besides the point. I can feel a lot of tension between Saibara and Gray, but as of this part there's not a lot of GrayXClaire tension. That bugs me. She hardly even talks to Gray, which seems a little odd, given the subject. Add a little Gray and Claire conversation and maybe it'll feel better. Other than that, loved it! Anyway, on to the next part!
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Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:02 pm
blackstar says...



I think your story might be interesting, I will read the next part later.
But as most others, I think that the 1st part was rushed. You should add some details in the middle to make it a bit bigger. Maybe you should describe her situation more, describe things about the hurricane. Or give some back-story to the characters, if your not planning to say those later in the story.
And yes, '[*]Her BUTT fell asleep' sounds... Weird. Think of a better word for BUTT. If you don't know any, go to thesauras.com or google things like 'Other words for butt', look up a dictionary. Just please change it!! It greatly harms the flow of your speech.
Other than those few notches that I stumbled on, the story seemed good. fix them, and it'll be great!
  








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