z

Young Writers Society


Claire and Gray - Blue (part 2)



User avatar
38 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1888
Reviews: 38
Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:50 am
emmylove says...



Spoiler! :
Honestly, this part would still make complete sense if you didn't read the first part of the Blue Heart. But you'd be missing a little bit of the story, so I encourage you to read both! :D


Blue Heart (part 2)


* * * * *


Kai’s face was so close to Claire’s that she could smell the alcohol on his breath as he confessed with slurred words, “You know, if I wasn’t so madly in love with Popuri, I would totally date you.”

Normally, Claire would have no trouble coming up with either a flirty or a facetious comment to respond with, but the tan boy’s breath was so rancid that just the smell of it made her feel intoxicated. Suddenly, a shout from the distance saved her from saying something stupid.

“Hey, Kai!” Claire and Kai turned to see who it was. Though the sky was pitch black and the stars were out, bonfires were placed sporadically throughout the beach and created enough light for her to legitimately see Gray’s face; she felt a wave of relief wash through her body as he approached the two. “Are you harassing Claire?”

“Yes he is,” Claire answered before Kai had a chance to respond. She nudged Gray with her shoulder and requested in a whisper that they ditch Kai; Gray nodded, and the blonde girl glanced at Kai before deciding she didn’t need to come up with a lie as to where they were going – he was too drunk to comprehend anyway.

Hands cupped around his mouth, Kai yelled, “Have fun, you crazy kids!” – not even noticing the befuddled glances from some of the other Fireworks Festival celebrators.

Once Claire and Gray were out of Kai’s earshot, Gray asked, “How much did he have to drink?”

Claire shrugged. “I saw him take a few shots, but Goddess knows what else he took tonight.” She giggled at her own joke, and Gray shortly caught on. A small sting on the top of her foot caused her to wonder if the mosquitoes would bother showing up when the bonfires were numerous; she ignored it and dug it into the cool sand. When it didn’t go away, she took her foot out of the sand to ascertain her original thought – sure enough, a red spot was welting up.

“Ooh,” Gray murmured, “that’s a nasty mosquito bite.”

“Yeah,” Claire agreed, “almost as nasty as Kai’s breath.” Once again, she was amused by her own joke. She looked up at Gray’s normally pale face, but was then glowing orange due to the fires. “So, you got your day off?”

The aspiring blacksmith kicked the sand, smiling but avoiding Claire’s gaze. “Yeah, barely,” was all he said.

Claire watched the sand fly away, then realized something different about Gray’s legs. “You’re wearing shorts!” Gray’s facial expression changed from sheepish to bewildered instantly. Before he could manage to say anything, Claire continued, “Wow, I bet your legs are super pale. I can’t tell right now, though; it’s too dark outside.” He laughed nervously before the girl got back on track. “So, what do you mean, barely?

“Oh,” Gray answered, back to being sheepish. “I, uh, didn’t finish your hoe until around five o’clock.”

“Five o’clock?” Claire’s eyes bugged out. “You mean, less than four hours ago, five o’clock?”

Nodding, Gray confirmed, “Yes, less than four hours ago; five o’clock.”

She looked up at him with both eyebrows raised. Claire couldn’t help feeling guilty, even though she was aware that she hadn’t actually done anything. “Oh, Gray, I’m so sorry! I should have fought harder for your freedom.”

Gray patted Claire’s head, trying to console her. “No, you don’t have to fight for my freedom. Hell, I don’t have to fight for my freedom – at least not on my day off!” After considering what he said, Gray revised his statement. “Well, I shouldn’t have to.” He grinned, silently chuckling at his own joke.

Claire was unable to understand why Gray was able to laugh at things like his own grandfather imprisoning him inside a small, dark room that lacked an air conditioner – and during the warmest and most outdoorsy of the seasons! Then again, she considered, he’s probably been exposed to so much of this treatment for so long that he now finds amusement from it.

“No,” Claire agreed, jerking her head out from under his constant patting. She gazed into his eyes, which were colorless in the dim lighting, and couldn't help smiling. “You shouldn’t have to.” A breeze flew by, causing a puff of hot smoke to brush past Claire’s bare legs. She sighed, looked down, then back at his face. For some reason, she felt that nothing she said would make herself feel better, and he didn’t seem to need some words of encouragement. She gave sort of a half smile. “I want to go to the dock; do you want to come with me?”

“Uh,” Gray started, glancing over to the dock. He took a moment to consider. “No, thanks,” he finally decided.

“Okay,” Claire said, “I’ll see you later then.” She turned away from the boy and strode across the beach, over to the dock. A cool, salty breeze enticed her to come closer; she sat on the dock and allowed her feet to dangle in the surprisingly lukewarm water.

Sitting there alone, breathing in fresh ocean air, was as uplifting and as refreshing as a forty-minute nap - it was even soothing her mosquito bite. As fireworks danced across the sky, it reminded her of a song she knew. Softly to herself, she sang, “And the colors looked like fireworks in skies she knew before…” Claire hummed the rest of the tune, staring at the moon; she was amazed at how bright and full it was that night. You’d never see this in the city, she mused.

Glancing over her shoulder, she found an unsettling sight: Gray and Mary, the plain-Jane librarian, sitting on a log by a bonfire. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw Mary doubled over laughing, lightly putting a hand on Gray’s toned arm. The auburn-haired blacksmith was facing away from Claire, but the look on Mary’s face told her more than she needed to know.

Suddenly, sitting there alone felt like the loneliest place in the world.
We've stayed until the very end.
This is real for us.
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1614
Reviews: 25
Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:44 pm
purplepen says...



YES! I'm the first! :)

I liked that you're adding in some drama. It should get really interesting now! As far as I can tell, you don't have any grammatical or spelling errors, so good job on that.

“No,” Claire agreed, jerking her head out from under his constant patting. She gazed into his eyes, which were colorless in the dim lighting, and couldn't help smiling. “You shouldn’t have to.” A breeze flew by, causing a puff of hot smoke to brush past Claire’s bare legs. Aw! What a romantic moment! Verry sweet!


As much as I loved this, there is one thing that I didn't like...

“Oh, Gray, I’m so sorry! I should have fought harder for your freedom.” This seemed a little...too dramatic to me. Though, that is just my opinion.


Overall, it was great! Keep it up!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
~Joshua 24:15

@(^_^)@<--- This is review monkey. He says hi!
  





User avatar
131 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3558
Reviews: 131
Sat May 14, 2011 1:16 am
Sunshine says...



Team CSI: YWS here to investigate! I'm here to help, so purplepen has a second to her first! I also love the drama you've added onto this. It gives the story a nice touch, a little flair. Still, I do wish you'd make these longer! I really like reading them, but all you're giving me is a lick of a delicious lollipop and then taking it away. For future reference, even if it isn't this particular story, try making your pieces longer! Haha, why is it that the charecter's in these always seem to be drunk? Maybe it's just me... Lastly, is it just me or are people doing to much laughing at their own jokes in this story? If I were you, I'd revise it, maybe turn it into a 'chuckled to himself' or something like that... Thanks for writing!
I have loved the words and I have hated them. I only hope I have made them right.

---The Book Thief---

Hi, I'm Sunshine! It's lovely to meet you!
  








Go in fear of abstractions.
— Ezra Pound