Young Writers Society

Ancient, mist-shrouded timbers faded into view. Veil Sixclaw squared his shoulders. The fatal wound faded to a dull ache as he neared Dark Forest's gates.

"No one to meet me- what does that mean?" The young ferret's voice fell flat. He shivered and took a step back.

A small figure separated itself from the mist. In a moment Veil saw it was a female ferret. She halted a few paces from him and spoke one word: "Son?"

If a tear fell from Veil's eye, nobeast living was there to see.

His mother’s name was Bluefen. She’d been little more than an unpaid servant, never receiving love from her mate.
It stung Veil that none had been there to mourn her death.

“That’s of no weight now. I am here, as are you.” Bluefen gathered her son into a hug. It was as real, warm and comforting as his father had been cold and distant.

I can't believe you haven't gotten any review yet! How strange! Well, I for one, love this story start! It reminds me of when I would read the Redwall Series books by Brain Jacques. They were all about warrior animals, battles, and wars, good vs evil! This is defintley a brilliant start to an amazing adventure! Although it's short now, there is just enough sensory detail and emotion in the words that I can picture exactly (or as close as it gets) to what you're trying to portray. It sets us up to wonder how he was wounded and where is this dark land he's in? The reader gets pulled into the story so effectively that it seems almost horrifying that it ends so abruptly! I honestly do love it! Keep writing! You've definetly got a knack for it!

-Butterfinger!

Pretty good, Some sentences could be better if you switch them around. I would write, "Seperating out from the mist, Veil noticed a small figure. Creeping up towards the small creature, he/she gazed down at a female ferrat.

Hi, Stori! Told you I'd review this!

D'aww. This was absolutely sweet! These scenes can be sooo sweet when written in just the right way. I think you pulled it off pretty well with your simplicity! In fact, some sentences could go if this is a stand-alone piece. The effect of such a simple style can be amazingly effective.

If it's not stand-alone, I'd totally recommend adding more meat to this and make it more suspenseful/dramatic. Mom and son are finally reunited! That's a freaking awesome (both meanings) scene with so much potential to bring the reader to tears. Bring out some emotion into your writing! Make the readers feel what you feel about this scene!

I'm not a fan of the break. I think getting rid of it is just fine and needs very little editing of the transition. That kind of break (the ***) is so strong, it's more of a scene transition. Like a movie is switching from a wild battle scene to a quiet royal court. In your piece, it's all the same scene, and I'd just choose one PoV with your simple style. If doesn't have to be in the eyes of one or the other. It can be an omniscient view overlooking both!

And also, even in a fan-fic, there has to be some explanation of what's going on plot-wise. I'm not sure if Veil was waiting for someone specific or a whole group of people. Should the reader be afraid for him? Or anxious? Why is he meeting in the Dark Forest again? Set it up for us!

Otherwise, pretty cool! Very sweet moment.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!