Young Writers Society

Jeremy crept along the brightly lit forest floor, stalking a skunk. Jeremy was possibly the ugliest vampire to have the misfortune to spend an eternity on Earth. Thus, Jeremy was lonely, and hadn't, not once, been on a date with a girl in his 153 years. However, Jeremy hoped all that was about to change.

Jeremy had recently read Twilight. He figured that if he had a brooding, depressing aura, poofed up his hair to twice its normal size, and stopped killing people for the less exciting diet of animals, he would have girls flocking to him.

The first idea hadn't worked. Jeremy was simply a happy person, even if he was butt-ugly and very lonely. The second idea hadn't worked, due to the fact that Jeremy was bald.

So now he was trying the third idea, but the only prey he'd found was this skunk. He didn't think a skunk would taste very good, but Jeremy was truly desperate for female company, so, gathering his courage, he pounced on it.

Jeremy and the skunk tussled for a second, because Jeremy was an incredibly and pitifully weak vampire. But eventually he restrained the skunk enough that he could bite him.

That's when something very strange happened. The skunk grew very still for a milisecond, not long enough for Jeremy to notice, and then it attacked Jeremy with its teeth and skunk claws. Jeremy opened his mouth to scream one last wimpy scream, but the skunk was faster. After two seconds, there wasn't enough of Jeremy to put in the engagement ring box he'd always carried around with him, just in case.

Thus, the first vampire skunk was born.

I love this!!! There are only a few things to go over, though.

1) You say 'Jeremy' entirely too often. Since there is only one main character that you would be referring to as a male, you can use 'he' in many of those places.

2)

He didn't think a skunk would taste very good, but Jeremy was truly desperate for female company, so, gathering his courage, he pounced on it.

I would say:

So now he was trying the third idea, but the only prey he'd found was this skunk. He didn't think a skunk would taste very good, but Jeremy was truly desperate for female company. sSo, gathering his courage, he pounced on it(Maybe add a simile/metaphoric here, I.E 'as a hungry hyena would jump on spare meat.'.

It's just because that was a run-on.

3)Go more into how the skunk turned into a vampire, maybe. Like 'the skunk cringed in pain before it straightened out, looking merciless and evil. Thus, the first Vampire Skunk was made.'

4)

Twilight

It should be just Twilight.

5) This was witty and funny. I really love the idea more than you can imagine, as much as I criticized it. I'm just a fierce reviewer.. sorry about that! It was really really good. Don't let an mean reviewer like me get you down; this was an amazing piece, my favorite short story here on YWS!!!

~MNC

This was very funny. That fact that it was so short but still had so much to offer was what I feel made it such a delight to read. I am a devoted fan of Twilight, and I also love when people writing vampire work can reference back to it with some humor. It made your work here very funny! I liked this part a lot:

The first idea hadn't worked. Jeremy was simply a happy person, even if he was butt-ugly and very lonely. The second idea hadn't worked, due to the fact that Jeremy was bald.

So simple you see! But still, so easy to read and get through. Sometimes it's good to just skip all that hard thinking. Because sometimes it takes away from your writing altogether. So for this too I appreciate what you did here. That, and for the simple fact that you made your vampire character weak and ugly. It was a novel parody! Great work. I enjoyed it.

Hey, let's skip the introduction and get right to the review, shall we?

Alright, a comedy. Everyone likes a good laugh. However I haven't begun nit-picking yet, my impression may change after nit-picking. It's a pet peeve of mine, bad grammar. I sometimes get frustrated with my own writing when I read back on it and see all my grammatical errors.

So at a first glance it looks nice, quaint and simple. Not necessarily the best FanFic/Parody piece I've read, but not the worst. It was a tad short, but quality over quantity right?

Jeremy crept along the brightly lit forest floor, stalking a skunk. Jeremy was possibly the ugliest vampire to have the misfortune to spend an eternity on Earth.

Alright, this bothers me. These are two completely unrelated thoughts, and in my opinion do not belong in the same paragraph. Sure skunks are ugly, but that isn't enough reason to put them in the same paragraph.

Thus, Jeremy was lonely, and hadn't, not once, been on a date with a girl in his 153 years. However, Jeremy hoped all that was about to change.

This, however does fit in with the second sentence. You should have explained his unattractive appearance and pending loneliness more before bringing in his action and plans to change his life.

Jeremy had recently read Twilight. He figured that if he had a brooding, depressing aura, poofed up his hair to twice its normal size, and stopped killing people for the less exciting diet of animals, he would have girls flocking to him.

Alright, you made me laugh. But only because I dislike Twilight so much.

The first idea hadn't worked. Jeremy was simply a happy person, even if he was butt-ugly and very lonely.

You've contradicted what you said, loneliness does not equal happiness. Lonely people tend to be more depressed and miserable. But don't misinterpret what I'm saying here, lonely people tend to be depressed, not ugly people. Ugly people can be plenty happy.

The second idea hadn't worked, due to the fact that Jeremy was bald.

Just going to say this... but bald people are indeed awesome.

Alright, it's fine. It passes my test. Watch what I've pointed out and expand what you've written. Don't be afraid to throw a little voice in there, from what I've read Jeremy is pretty dry. We know he's lonely and somehow happy at the same time. Very plan emotions and no personality.

So, I suck at conclusions. PM me when he gets a personality.

Hahaha, such a good little story! I liked it a lot.

Thanks for all the reviews so far. The meaner the merrier, so really go at it!

Oh, dude, this made me laugh so hard!! I love this mini story!! Great job!

Haha! This made me laugh. Like, a lot. I am, like SmylinG, a devoted Twitard, and this was seriously fun to read. When someone actually makes a good parody, I am eager to read it.

Now, for the actual review. I agree with SisItaly up above about the personality. He had none. We know close to nothing about him except that he is ugly, he is lonely, and he has read Twilight. For grammar, you seemed alright there and I believe if you weren't other people pointed it out already. As for the skunk... Personally, I would have picked a chipmunk Keep truckin'!

Cheers,
Luxe

haha, it was funny. But poor jeremy... AND VAMP SKUNK ROCKZZ!!!

Hello, I found this short story quite fun. May I suggest you to reduce the amount of times you tend to repeat the name "Jeremy" throughout because it ruins the flow of the story. I really liked this part, it made me lough:

Jeremy had recently read Twilight. He figured that if he had a brooding, depressing aura, poofed up his hair to twice its normal size, and stopped killing people for the less exciting diet of animals, he would have girls flocking to him.

.