Young Writers Society

White-ear reviewed the patrol and flicked his tail with approval. "You lot look ready for anyth- stand still, Daypaw!"

The apprentice in question grinned. "Sorry. Like you said, I'm ready for anything!" Amused purrs ran 'round the clearing.

"Well, try being ready to behave yourself at the Gathering." Chastised, Daypaw set about washing her fur. Every so often a laugh bubbled up from her wiry frame. Her tortoiseshell fur stuck out at odd angles; her mother had given up trying to tame it.

"Where is Rainstar?" This time it was Heavyheart, a brawny black tom, who broke the silence.

"She'll be here," replied White-ear. He was much smaller than Heavyheart, with tan fur that had been groomed flat. His left ear had a white splotch on it it, hence his name.

I love Warriors! I have a couple of fixes that need to be made.

The major thing that links to all other fixes is how short this piece is. There are so many things you can do to make it longer and a more fun read. Such as:

~ Description of setting. Where are the cats at? Is it a nice sunny day or a cool one? Is it Winter, Spring, Fall, or Summer? What does the clearing look like? How many cats are there?

~Better charecter description. What does the main charecter look like? What about her mentor? The only cat you even described was a very minor one.

~Background info. Charecters don't just plop into a scene! You need to give more background info. What got them there? How long has Daypaw been an apprentice? What clan are they in?

~Feelings. How is Daypaw feeling? What about White-ear. Adding charecter feeling involves the reader and expands the things you can do with a piece!

Next time please make it longer!

~Crafty~

Hi there.

I like this. I think this is only the second time I've done a review for fan fiction. I've always had difficulty thinking of them as actual literacy pieces, or at least pieces with their own merit.

This however, is very good. It's very short, but works really well. I do recommend that you try and flesh out the character.

Good Job.

Thats good!

Hi stori, I was into these books for a while and I really liked them. Because this is so short I don’t have a lot to say but here goes:

I noticed that you didn’t do your names all the same. First you said ‘White-ear’ then you started to do them like ‘Daypaw’. If you want to stay true to how Erin Hunter wrote them you need change that first one to ‘Whiteear’ even if it looks a bit odd. You might just want to change the name. You could do something like ‘Snowyear’ or ‘Couldear’ instead.

One nitpick I had was with this sentence:

The apprentice in question grinned.

Because you just said Daypaw it sounds kind of awkward to say that. It would be a lot smoother to say simply ‘the apprentice’, 'the she-cat' or even to repeat the name.

Besides that your biggest problem is your grammar. I suggest reading over it a few times and focus solely on that. You have great characters because I already feel like I know them. You also have pretty good discription. Right now you just need to expand your thoughts and have a bit more plot.

Thanks,

A. S.

Hey, so, like they said, this is really short. Because of this, it's really hard to get a feel for the writing. I'd tell you ways to fill this out, but Iiscraffty covered anything I would have said. So, I guess this portion of the review is just affirming what Iiscrafty said - good stuff there.

Aside from description, emotion, background stuff, etc. probably the biggest problem with this is you can't really see any of the actions. For example, White-ear told Daypaw to stand still, but we don't really get a feel for what he was doing before then. How was he moving, and how was it brought to White-ear's attention?

Another thing - a basic goal for fanfiction is to build off of the original, yes, but also to be readable alone. If say someone came across it without having read Warriors (as I haven't) then they should be able to figure out the main gist, even if they are a little confused. This is a good guideline to follow because a lot of times, the book in question hasn't been read by your audience in a while, or their memory of it isn't that great, so reminders of the world and characters are very helpful for jogging reader's memories.

Good bones here, but until you fill this out it's hard to tell exactly how much potential this has.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey

I have these books and I really love them. I mean not many people care about writing, especially about cats. People just pass through the day, not htinking about English, but then you have us, the young writers society.

Anyways, keep on writing!

White-Ear reviewed the patrol and flicked his tail with approval.

^That's the only problem I found in it

This is really good, but it's way to short. The whole story is: a funny apprentice (who has un-tameable fur) is finally ready to go to the gathering. Try to lengthen it and it will be much better

Keep writing,
Alzora

I absolutly love Warriors, and I'm really likeing this peice, despite it being so short. Everyhting seams to be covered already, so I guess I'll just say agian that I really like it.

Hey, Stori! I'm a big fan of Warriors, just so you know, but that's not important right now
I deffintely think you need to make the story longer, and add more background info. I'm guessing White-ear is the deputy or Daypaw's mentor. You need to make that more clear. Also more desciption would be helpful. Descibe the characters more; eye color, fur color, build, etc. The setting needs more desciption. The only thing I know about the scenery is that they are in camp, (I don't even know what the camp looks like!) and that it must be around sunset since they are preparing to leave for the Gathering. The Clan needs a name too. If the Clan was given a name, that would also help descibe the scenery. (For example, if it was ShadowClan, the scene would either be a swamp or a pine forest, depending on if they are at the lake or the old forest)
I hope this helped! I would love to read the revised version if you do one!

Even though this is a short story, it doesn't have enough plot or background info to create a true story. The characters should be described more. Things such as their fur color, eye color, position within the Clan, and relations to other characters in the story would enhance the writing greatly. Also information about the setting and the Clan itself would help the reader understand and make a better picture in their head.

Even with these flaws, the short story was good. Take up on my suggestions and you'll improve, that's all I have to say. Practice makes perfect and using others' advice will make you better faster.