Young Writers Society

I will make various exclamatory incoherent noises and wild hand gestures because this is so much freaking better than Wraith. I'm not going to critique this, or fishr's story (just review).

Let's recap some of the things I loved:

- the dialogue. Oh so very very amazing. It's clear, concise, and twenty shades of beautiful. I could read it again and again and frame it on my wall and probably even marry it. Twice. Dialogue is a pretty tricky aspect of writing to master, but you've captured these characters amazingly well through their speech. Their emotions, their personalities and thoughts — they shine through with incredible clarity. That's usually a Very Excellent Thing and this is no exception.

- the characters so far. Hee hee. They are so very cool. They're very distinct, and you've managed to show that by blending together their dialogue and their actions to create two pretty distinct people.

-

The demon said nothing, his hand tracing along a girl's nipple on a poster on his main door. Then he said, "She looks pretty."

Roman looked up and suddenly realized what the demon was talking about. "I share a room with –"

*sprays Coke*

Hahaha.

Did I mention I love the characters? And the dialogue? Because I really really do.

Oh, Roman. You really need to get laid.

- The exposition in the dialogue. This is so frequently done poorly, but you've made all the background exposition importanty stuff sound really really interesting to the reader. You've made it readable. I don't think I realized I was reading exposition until partway through when my brain thingy finally kicked in. This was lovely and interesting and lots of fun to read besides.

-

"She is bound to you now."

Lovely little tie-in to Wraith.

- the way the story's going so far. Because I can't wait to read more.

... okay, wait, I sorta lied. Remember how I said I wouldn't critique? Well, I won't, but I was re-reading, and being obnoxious and nitpicky I couldn't help point these two teensy little things out:

This made Roman even crankier, but he swaggered up the stairs, clutching the railing fiercely, until he tripped inside.

Swaggered or staggered? Swaggered implies pronounced arrogance. Or, as the gods of the universe would say, boastfulness or insolence. Basically, it means he's walking with attitude — which, looking at his current situation, I don't think he's doing.

He was beginning to sweat; his eyes were bloodshot. He was beginning to pant and gasp again, and his hand was over his heart.

I'm pretty sure it's self-evident, but the sentence structure for these two sentences are exactly the same — you may (probably) want to change this.

... there. Two things. I'll bully my inner critic into shutting the hell up. This is Sooper Dooper Awesome with a cape riding a unicycle. And so very very very much cooler than Wraith.

Chapter 3

At first he wasn’t quite sure what to do. With the demon gone, it grew dark again, the only light coming from the angel. But it was a different sort of light, one that didn’t glow outward. Instead, it seemed to glow from within. Instead of seeing the dirt and sewage that was leaking, all he saw was her. She was beautiful.

But he couldn’t touch her.

He wasn’t quite sure how long he stayed down with her, but by the time he finally moved, his joints felt stiff. But he didn’t feel tired; not now. He leaned over the angel, careful not to touch her.

“Can you hear me?”

Her eyes fluttered open, and for second he could swear that she was awake, that she was looking at him. But a moment later, her eyes were closed. She whimpered, balling up her fists.

He stepped away from her.

It was then that he realized how early it was and how brightly his watched glowed. 6:45. He had to go to work. His eyes washed over for the angel for a moment before he sighed. She was so beautiful. He considered telling her that he would be back soon, but he decided not to. Besides, she probably wouldn’t even care…

He reached out to stroke out her hair.

Suddenly, a noise startled him. A rat scuffled in the corner. He frowned and drew his hand back, only to knock over the bottle that Kashmiel had given him. He sighed, righting the bottle. “Damn rats,” he murmured. “Always skittering around, trying to scare me.” He snuck a look at the angel. She was beautiful, as always, her light hair cascading over her naked body. Her chest rose up faintly and for a brief moment, he thought he saw her smiling. He smiled back.

“Don’t worry,” he said gently. “I’m not going to hurt you. You can just stay here and be with me forever. I won’t change you into one of us.” He almost touched her, but remembered what the demon said just in time. He rubbed his hands. They were cold.

He had to go.

The angel shifted from her original position so that her back lined the circle she was trapped inside. For a second, he felt a wave of guilt run through him, but then he reminded himself that it didn’t matter. After all, she was an angel.

“I’ll see you later, honest.”

And with that, he crept out from the basement.